Fishing, Dogs and Divorce.....OH MY!!!

[Kman]

Hey dude - Ian wasn't kidding...he gave me a heads up on what you're dealing with, and I've read the last few pages although I'll be honest I don't know your entire saga - I'm sure you can fill me in as necessary, IF necessary - I know how unpleasant going over some of this stuff can be, especially at the stage you're at...

Quickie on me - Ian was right, I'm a 2-time DBer and have gotten a lot of help from people around here at various times. First M about 3 years, second just under that. The details aren't terribly important (although if you ask I have no problem answering), except to say that the basics are probably the same as yours, and most others, around here.

So, this is the second time, you're dealing with a lot of anger, feeling like a failure especially because this is the SECOND time, feeling so out of control you don't know which way is up. I remember those days all too well...

First - I recommend the anti-depressants, ASAP - I struggled with the idea before I ever used them, but boy what a difference. I cannot say enough about them and how they helped me. It doesn't make any problems go away, but it does make it easier to deal with and cope with them in a much healthier way.

Second - Do your best to let go of this anger (made much easier by step one, above)...because the sooner you can the sooner you'll be able to move past this horrible situation and on with the rest of your life, which will be great again. I'm proof - I cannot believe that I've gone through this twice, I have questioned myself and what I ever did to deserve this, and the answer is...nothing. All you can do is work on yourself, and make the best decisions and choices you can in your life, and soldier on. Don't dwell too much on the "what-ifs" and "whys" beyond what you can do to improve yourself going forward; because you can't change what's already happened, no matter how much you or I want to.

Third - do your best to disengage from your W in terms of the arguments, bitching about everything, the general nastiness. She can't get under your skin unless you LET her. It is absolutely easier said than done, but forewarned is forearmed, and even though sometimes it just gets overwhelming, I believe you can do it if you just set your mind to it. You know how she is likely to behave when you interact, so you can use that to mentally prepare yourself - and always, always protect your interests and those of your daughter no matter what. Don't let her use your love for your child as leverage or as a weakness against you if it's at all possible.

Life gets better my friend - I really love my life now although I never thought it would have unfolded this way! I got a great new job, have a bachelor pad again which is fun in its own way (renting now looking to own soon - great market for someone like me ), I'm in a relationship now, things are doing well and she's a great girl, but I know I'm more guarded than I've been in the past, so things are going really slowly in terms of getting more serious...but that's ok too. I DON'T have marriage on my mind, we're having fun and that's good enough for now.

Before I get too rambly, I'll break off for now, just wanted to offer some encouragement. I'll be around though, and if I can help just let me know. Make yourself look for the positives in any given situation and you should be able to find at least a few - sounds corny but after all I went through I really do believe it. Hang in there buddy, I know where you've been and I know what's ahead for you - and believe it or not, it's good stuff.

Kev