And the day came ...

[sage]

Just journalling from yesterday..

What went well:
1. h. continues to kick A$$ in the house. He actually managed to move a sofa bed down stairs all by himself. Amazing.

2. h. told me some details of his day -- what he ate for lunch, errands that he ran, etc. It may sound silly but hearing that stuff means a lot to me.

3. h. emailed me an email he had sent to someone else re. his baseball team and suggestions to the manager. Again, see #2, it may sound silly but I love him sharing his thoughts with me.

What didn't go well:
All crap in my own head. Had counseling and we (just me and C.) spent a lot of time on why I'm still so freakin' angry at ow and unable to let go and relax. It makes me so mad at myself that I can't crack this and then I start to feel mad at h. that I'm in this sitch at all (not fair, not fair, I know ). I was just feeling so sad and mad and irritated with myself and wanting her to PAY and feel hurt and misery too. (ok, this is not an attractive side of sage -- just venting folks).

what the hell is it that I WANT? What grand gesture? I have so much every day and then I find myself still wanting something to break me free of this. I know, though, that I can only do that myself.

To be totally honest, I find myself still feeling the pull of trying to control h's fidelity -- not just a cheeseless tunnel but a whole fantasy land built of cheese! I have to release the thoughts that if I'm just a certain way then h will be faithful...or if I say the right things or wear the right clothes or ...you get the point.

h. is a grown man. He is not only capable of managing his own self but he has a right to. He is the owner of his actions -- not me -- and to think otherwise is well, tiresome. I don't have to like his actions, I cannot control them. I can control me.

There's more work to be done here. I'm just not sure where to go...and how to get there.

Sage