As a WAW of nearly 5 months, I am distressed that I still do not have the mental clarity to determine whether or not I want to try to work things out with H or if I want to continue on this road by myself. I flip flop each and every day - sometimes I am certain that I want to reconcile and try to fix things, sometimes I am certain that it's all over and that I should just leave well enough alone and continue building my new life. I have always been such a level-headed, well-organized person, not much of a risk-taker at all (which is probably why my H was so surprised that I actually moved out), and this constant emotional limbo is making me crazy and exhausted!
For all you other WAS's out there, when were you finally able to make a firm choice on what you wanted to do? And how did you get there? I'm looking for anything that can give me some hope here...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
You can read my sitch, it's been 12 very very long exhausting months. I suppose I had a sliver of hope all that time, yet there were days I didn't want it to work, & wished that he would pull the plug.
How did I get here ?
I have been taking very good care of me, finally ! I am in therapy, I go individually one week, then H comes with me next week. When I started therapy I was highly doubtful that I could ever have feelings for H again. Yet...they are developing. As I am more honest with myself, with him, & airing the past, buried anger & resentment.
Is your H willing to change & work on the M ? Is he willing to go to MC ? Is he willing to listen to your anger & frustration ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi Lost I have been WAW for 12 months now and while I can not say I am any closer to making a decision to come back to the M. I'm also ont running away at breakneck speed either. The emotional impact of just making that decision and the grief associated with it are huge. Give yourself sometime to adjust. Some days are easier to stomach than others. It is a rollercoaster, you are not alone feeling that way.
Smartcookie gives some good advice. If your H can not or is not willing to do simple basic things you NEED from him, after you have asked him and he understands what you are asking for, then you may have your answer.
but accepting it is difficult, BTDT (been there done that).
Keep working on you, through counseling, talking things through with friends, or here, find a way to let some of those emotions go as best you can.
[hugs]
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
one thing that gave me clarity was reading story after story on this site. I began to hear my H's voice in some of the men here. I began to see his side of things, & put myself in his shoes. That was something I'd been refusing to do until I came here. It softened my heart.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks for checking on me, smartcookie. Today is a so-so day. I haven't broken down - yet - so I view it as somewhat of a good day I've been reading the posts on this website like crazy and you're right - it does help me get some perspective on what my husband might be feeling. Although truthfully, since the separation first began, we've been able to be completely honest with each other about our feelings in a way we were never able to while living together. Go figure...
Every day is a constant struggle - emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically. I'm just so tired of the turmoil, the confusion, the guilt, the pain...
There's got to be a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere, and that's the thought that gets me through every single day.
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
I am not a WAS, but a LBS. However, I hope you don't mind me adding my voice and support to the those who have replied.
Firstly, I hope that you are doing ok. I understand that the position any WAS finds themselves in is pretty awful and in some ways is harder than what the LBS has to endure. At least we are spared the agony of falling out of love with someone. The unfolding of such emotions must be both painful and disturbing, even if it feels liberating and attractive at the same time. Yours must be a lonely road to travel at times.
I don't know how you can decide what you want. Only you can analyse your own feelings and expectations of love and life to isolate what you feel is missing. We can help ask questions though.
For instance. What feels wrong about your current circumstances (not just the R)? Why are you attracted to a new life? What event(s) may have finally precipitated the break? What are your expectations of life? Are they realistic? Are they significantly constrained by your relationship? Do you still love your partner? Can they help you achieve what you are looking for? Do you even know what that is? Being completely honest, is there someone else who is also a factor in any of these decisions? What role are they playing? What role do you wish them to play?
I'm not here to judge, just help you try to find some answers. I have done a huge amount of thinking about my own sitch, possibly too much, but there you go. I recognise parts of my role in all of this and can join many dots that I wish I had been able to see as they appeared. I may not see the big picture, now or ever, but I see a lot more than I did a year ago and it has taken a long time to get to that point. Rest assured, when (most) LBSs claim ignorance of the messages, they are being honest, not stupid or insensitive. Some people will bring enormous energy, resources and determination to bear when they can finally see the reality of the moment. They are also incredibly scared, hurt and isolated. Few people want to see their spouse in pain and it is particularly awful to realise your own role in causing or not being there to support your partner. I only wish I had been more wise.
Wishing you clarity and a little bit of calm. Look after yourself.
Take care.
Max
Last edited by MaxP; 06/23/0809:38 PM.
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
Thanks for checking on me, smartcookie. Today is a so-so day. I haven't broken down - yet - so I view it as somewhat of a good day I've been reading the posts on this website like crazy and you're right - it does help me get some perspective on what my husband might be feeling. Although truthfully, since the separation first began, we've been able to be completely honest with each other about our feelings in a way we were never able to while living together. Go figure...
Every day is a constant struggle - emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically. I'm just so tired of the turmoil, the confusion, the guilt, the pain...
There's got to be a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere, and that's the thought that gets me through every single day.
I'm glad you're having a slightly better day, but it's okay to break down. Tears are healing. I know what you mean about the exhaustion of day to day struggle. There were a few nights I left the house just to get away from the constant strain of being around him. That has passed for us now. I don't remember one specific day that it was gone. Just all the sudden I realize it is, & it's not exhausting just to discuss one teeny little thing.
Now that you guys are able to be honest with your feelings, does it feel like you're making progress ? or just re-hashing the old junk ? Are you two in MC ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
smartcookie, our conversations are a little of everything. We talk about day to day stuff (you know, how work is going, what we've been doing in our own separate lives) as well as R. Yes, we still bring up the reasons we got to this point but I wouldn't say that we dwell on them - it's more or less to make a point about something that doesn't seem to be sinking in to one or the other. For the most part, it does seem like we're making progress. I'm just crossing my fingers that we are able to stay this open and honest with each other long enough to figure things out once and for all.
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
MaxP, it is always good to hear a perspective from someone on the other side of the fence, especially one who is not judgmental. The questions you posed are great ones, and even though they seem like they should be easily answered, I found myself stumped on more than one. I will really give them a lot of thought and hope that the answers I come up with will provide a little more clarity for me. Thank you for your support!
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
I've been reading the posts on this website like crazy and you're right - it does help me get some perspective on what my husband might be feeling. Although truthfully, since the separation first began, we've been able to be completely honest with each other about our feelings in a way we were never able to while living together. Go figure...