And the day came ...

[sage]

Had an amazing weekend with h. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary in terms of activities, per se, but it just felt really good to be together. I guess I just felt comfortable and loved. Good stuff.

Friday we went to see "Spellbound" -- a documentary following a bunch of kids to the National Spelling Bee. It sounds, well, weird, but it was one of the most enjoyable movies I've seen in a long time. I would highly recommend it.

Saturday we went to the gym, then to breakfast, then some errands. I did some cleaning up around the house (good) -- some decluttering. Gotta, gotta, gotta get better at that. Sat. night we went to see the Sox play -- it was a great game!

Yesterday, h. had baseball -- he played SO AWESOMELY -- definitely overshadowed the rest of the team! Unfortunately, they still lost He relaxed a bit while I did some small errands then we went out to dinner with my dad and his family.

I was watching my dad with his son last night and it was so disconcerting -- dad is so angry all the time and irritable. It struck me that for a long time I used to lump h. into that category, too -- ASSumed that he was just like my father -- last night on the way home from dinner I told h. that and apologized. He was really great.

Have C. tonight. Been thinking a lot about forgiveness -- why I'm still so stuck on ow, etc. I'll post anything that warrants it ...

Sage

[psluke]

Sounds like you had a great weekend!

Ours much more stressful but hoping to get to where you are someday!

I LOVE your horiscopes! Where do you read those? Online somewhere? I am normally not into those too much but yours a lot of times seem right on!!

[janice]

sage,
just wanted you to know the support i recieved from your thread. My H just moved back in this past weekend. To see you dealing with some of the feelings/ emotions i am dealing with is a comfort.

I know it will be a bumpy road for me dealing with H and his feelings for the OW (he still professes he loves and cares for her)-- that hurts. But, i have to be reminded that he did choose to return.Our R is beginning anew.
I have waited for over 3 months to hear him say he loves me.

I pray for patience and understanding for all of us trying to rebuild our M's.
I see good moments turning into good days, weeks, months and finally years.

keep up the good work.

janice
Newcomers "Never thought i'd be in this sit"

[happy1]

Oh Sage, I am so happy for you. I would very much appreciate you playing Dr. Sage on my Tread if you have time.
calls but no message Part 2

[sage]

Just journalling from yesterday..

What went well:
1. h. continues to kick A$$ in the house. He actually managed to move a sofa bed down stairs all by himself. Amazing.

2. h. told me some details of his day -- what he ate for lunch, errands that he ran, etc. It may sound silly but hearing that stuff means a lot to me.

3. h. emailed me an email he had sent to someone else re. his baseball team and suggestions to the manager. Again, see #2, it may sound silly but I love him sharing his thoughts with me.

What didn't go well:
All crap in my own head. Had counseling and we (just me and C.) spent a lot of time on why I'm still so freakin' angry at ow and unable to let go and relax. It makes me so mad at myself that I can't crack this and then I start to feel mad at h. that I'm in this sitch at all (not fair, not fair, I know ). I was just feeling so sad and mad and irritated with myself and wanting her to PAY and feel hurt and misery too. (ok, this is not an attractive side of sage -- just venting folks).

what the hell is it that I WANT? What grand gesture? I have so much every day and then I find myself still wanting something to break me free of this. I know, though, that I can only do that myself.

To be totally honest, I find myself still feeling the pull of trying to control h's fidelity -- not just a cheeseless tunnel but a whole fantasy land built of cheese! I have to release the thoughts that if I'm just a certain way then h will be faithful...or if I say the right things or wear the right clothes or ...you get the point.

h. is a grown man. He is not only capable of managing his own self but he has a right to. He is the owner of his actions -- not me -- and to think otherwise is well, tiresome. I don't have to like his actions, I cannot control them. I can control me.

There's more work to be done here. I'm just not sure where to go...and how to get there.

Sage

[lostlove]

To be totally honest, I find myself still feeling the pull of trying to control h's fidelity -- not just a cheeseless tunnel but a whole fantasy land built of cheese!

LOL!!!!!

There's more work to be done here. I'm just not sure where to go...and how to get there.

each day you are getting closer and closer to where it is you need to be..each day you learn more and more about yourself and about your r with h...you are headed in the right direction..sometimes the best trips are those that we are not quit sure were it is we are going and only have vauge directions..but when we get there we know we are there and proud to have gotten there the way we did. the journey may be longer but in the end you've learned more and appreciate the arival all the more.

oh ya, I totally hear you on the small stuff, the sharing of e-mails, where and what was eaten etc...seems silly but in reality it isn't it's letting you in on his life.
my h does this at times too...I still find that I am reserved...was part of my 180 during seperation to not be such a babbling brook about my day to day and it has stuck...wonder if it bothers him??


LL

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

I have a plus for you at least, no suggestions on dealing with stuff in your head but AT LEAST you keep it in your head. Mine still tends to come out my mouth, at least when stress level is HIGH and I am dead tired it does. Creating emotional havic with H and I. So I know you are well ahead of me in that area!!

Things on your H's side seem to be going well. He seems to really be putting some effort into rebuilding the trust with you with his phone calls and emails. All looking good there!

No work on list yet. Too tired last night. Maybe tonight.

[holdingon]

Sage,
I totally understand about the e-mails and the minutia. How I miss that, the tinyness of life, Life is in the details, isn't it? There is only one person to share that with, and that is H. No one else cares... I find my heart broken that my H has chosen to share his day to day with OW. That bothers me more than the other.

Take solace in the fact that you have come this far with your H. Know that the road is rough and the journey long, but you, at least, HAVE STARTED THE JOURNEY. Not to have a pity party, but I continue to wonder if my H and I will ever BEGIN on the journey toward reconciliation. Have hope. It took the two of you a step at a time to get where you were, and you have to take it a step at a time to get back. So, just do it, a step at a time, quit getting impatient, wanting to skip steps, it won't payoff in the end. Slow is solid, fast is fragile.

[sage]

Oh, well, totally crappy stuff going on here tonight. Actually had a pretty good day -- I took the afternoon off for "marital health" reasons -- we went hiking, then relaxed this afternoon, then, ahem, went to our first tango class.

BUT, tonight the crap hit the fan. I went to bed before h. -- he went to check his email. arrgh. I know I have issues with it and that's MY problem but he sensed that I was irritated and came to bed irritated. He said that I always made him feel guilty about checking his email. I said I could see how that would be true but that I always felt insecure when he checked it. I asked if he and ow were still in contact. He said something like "she's not the only one who emails me". I said something like "emails you?" and he said "I was kidding". Yah, nothing like joking aobut the ow to really get the laughs flowing.

He said "honey, let's just get a divorce" then other stuff that we should just throw in the towel, etc, and that I had said that other day that the a. had ruined everything. I said "did not" and we went around on that for a while.

I said "I don't want to feel crappy for the rest of my life and I don't want you to feel guilty and crappy for the rest of yours -- can't we work together on this?" I said "other people heal from affairs" and he said "how do you know that? 'cause they write books?"

I asked him to honestly tell me if he and ow were still in contact. he asked why I thought this answer would be different? what difference would it make? I said well certainly a man who wants a divorce has nothing left to lose by being totally honest. He didn't answer the question.

I asked him if we could work on this together. I asked if he would be willing to open up his email to me for some finite period of time. He asked how long would it take but was sarcastic or something.

I asked if he could talk to me about this -- he said "now?". I left the room. Then things got really stupid -- I went back in, threw on the light and started packing a suitcase. He asked me to turn off the light and when I didn't he threw a bunch of crap up at the light, breaking all the bulbs, etc. I asked him what the hell he was doing -- he said all he wanted was a little courtesy. I said, oh, sorry, I was expecting you to answer the question about your contact with your lover (ugh). He said "i answered the question" (he hadn't). Then he said "the answer is no, we're not in contact".

So, all that's a pretty picture, huh? Sorry for all the gory details. I'm sitting here feeling pretty sorry for myself and of course, feeling like the biggest A$$ in the world. Well, maybe the second biggest.

Sorry especially to all the recent visitors to my thread who seem to think I have such great advice. ha.

Sage

[sage]

God, I can't believe how badly screwed up this is right now.

Why couldn't I have healed differently? I had so much of h, and yet I still wanted more. Bad db'ing I know but he had so much of ME and wanted it different, too. Why couldn't he have gathered me in his arms and told me everything would be ok? why couldn't I NOT have asked? why couldn't we each have taken a step towards each other -- even a baby one would have worked -- instead of giant steps away.

why is he sleeping like a baby in the other room while I'm bawling my eyes out?

Sage