Let me do my best to translate your wife's note to you, using English Affair 101:
Quote:
I really feel that it is in the best interest of the kids and for our finical stability that you move back into the house during this time.
Translation: "I can't afford to live on my own, and I want your help so I'm not bogged down with the kids and I can go out and conduct my affair, unemcumbered."
Quote:
You know my concerns about our dirty laundry being aired in other people’s houses
Translation: "I do NOT want you to expose my affair!!"
Quote:
I know you like to try to think of all the angles so I was up till 2am last night mulling everything over.
Translation: "Before you even THINK about putting any restrictions on me and my affair, I thought I'd lay down the way it's gonna be for ya, baby."
Quote:
Personal Space: In order to maintain boundaries I believe that we should each have our own personal space within the house. For me this could be the bedroom, for you the office (or visa-versa). We would respect each other’s personal spaces and not intrude on each other’s privacy. If you chose to take the office, I think we should move the big computer and the treadmill into the living room so that I can still use them daily without having to invade your space.
Translation: "You can take the spare room; I -- the adulterer -- am going to stay in the marital bed. Every time I say 'I don't want to invade your personal space,' I REALLY mean you'd damned sure better not invade MINE. This includes if I want to text message, IM or phone my boyfriend from inside of our marital home."
You get the idea, Lynn -- I don't think I need to go on. Your wayward wife, who has made the unilateral decision to break her wedding vows and invite a third person into your marriage, has decided that SHE is going to tell YOU what the new ground rules are, and by god, you're gonna like it!
I would strongly suggest you send something like the following to your wife:
"(Wife),
Thank you for explaining your ideas and concerns in so much detail. It gives me a clear sense of where your head is at these days.
That being said, other than treating each other amicably and doing everything we can to make the children's life as normal and peaceful as possible during what is probably going to be the most horrific time in their lives, I agree with almost nothing that you've outlined here.
I will remain in our marital bed, and continuing to use our bedroom. If you'd like to use the office, be my guest -- I understand.
I cannot stop you from having an affair, but I absolutely do not condone it, nor will I give you your "space" and "privacy" to conduct it from inside of our home, or in front of me and our children. If you'd like to phone or text message your boyfriend, you can go outside and stand in the rain and do it there. This is MY personal boundary, and I would expect you to respect it if you in fact decide to live here.
Again, I can't stop you from going out in the evening, but please be respectful enough to be home at a reasonable hour. If it's going to be past (insert your boundary here, Lynn -- 11pm? midnight?), please don't bother coming home at all.
Financially, I will continue to do more than my fair share to meet the family's needs, as I always have. I expect that you'll do the same. I do NOT want to see any of the family's assets spent enabling your affair -- you can pay for those things (your cell phone, your gas, gifts, etc.) with your own finances. I'm sure you'll agree that this is fair and reasonable.
As for you working, I see no reason why you can't find a job within 3 weeks. I will work with you to do whatever it necessary to make sure the children aren't left unattended or cared for while either one of us is working.
Thank you for communicating your boundaries. These are mine (and I only have a few):
1. No communication with your boyfriend from inside of our home.
2. No communication with him in front of our children, either at home or when you are out with them.
3. I will not in any way finance any part of your affair.
4. I will not lie for you, or in any way cover for your affair.
5. I still love you, do NOT want a divorce, and if you want to end your affair and come back and work on our marriage, I think you'll find that I can forgive you and that I am willing to discuss any and all issues -- including mine -- with you and a good marriage counselor. I will wait as long as I can, but I don't know how much disrespect I can stand.
Finally, I think I need to say that I think you underestimate me. I do love you, but I think you will find that I will do whatever it takes to protect myself, my family, and our finances.
