Watching the kids while W goes to OM

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OK.

I know it hurts to read stuff like what you wrote you, buddy, but if it makes you feel any better, IT'S ALL "SCRIPT."

THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU! That's the hardest thing to understand, but it truly isn't.

I'm sorry for your pain. At this exact same time last year, I was going thru it. I DO know how you feel.

Puppy

[LL44]

I also think that’s it important not to put time limits or curfews on each other

Although if one of us is not going to be returning home at all that evening

as long as it doesn’t interfere with anyone’s plans or personal time)

give up on my own personal growth

Just on first glance....the above popped out at me. It screams "Let me have my affair and don't give me any trouble for it".

How do you feel about this possible arrangement?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lynn,

Let me do my best to translate your wife's note to you, using English Affair 101:

I really feel that it is in the best interest of the kids and for our finical stability that you move back into the house during this time.

Translation: "I can't afford to live on my own, and I want your help so I'm not bogged down with the kids and I can go out and conduct my affair, unemcumbered."

You know my concerns about our dirty laundry being aired in other people’s houses

Translation: "I do NOT want you to expose my affair!!"

I know you like to try to think of all the angles so I was up till 2am last night mulling everything over.

Translation: "Before you even THINK about putting any restrictions on me and my affair, I thought I'd lay down the way it's gonna be for ya, baby."

Personal Space: In order to maintain boundaries I believe that we should each have our own personal space within the house. For me this could be the bedroom, for you the office (or visa-versa). We would respect each other’s personal spaces and not intrude on each other’s privacy. If you chose to take the office, I think we should move the big computer and the treadmill into the living room so that I can still use them daily without having to invade your space.

Translation: "You can take the spare room; I -- the adulterer -- am going to stay in the marital bed. Every time I say 'I don't want to invade your personal space,' I REALLY mean you'd damned sure better not invade MINE. This includes if I want to text message, IM or phone my boyfriend from inside of our marital home."

You get the idea, Lynn -- I don't think I need to go on. Your wayward wife, who has made the unilateral decision to break her wedding vows and invite a third person into your marriage, has decided that SHE is going to tell YOU what the new ground rules are, and by god, you're gonna like it!

I would strongly suggest you send something like the following to your wife:

"(Wife),

Thank you for explaining your ideas and concerns in so much detail. It gives me a clear sense of where your head is at these days.

That being said, other than treating each other amicably and doing everything we can to make the children's life as normal and peaceful as possible during what is probably going to be the most horrific time in their lives, I agree with almost nothing that you've outlined here.

I will remain in our marital bed, and continuing to use our bedroom. If you'd like to use the office, be my guest -- I understand.

I cannot stop you from having an affair, but I absolutely do not condone it, nor will I give you your "space" and "privacy" to conduct it from inside of our home, or in front of me and our children. If you'd like to phone or text message your boyfriend, you can go outside and stand in the rain and do it there. This is MY personal boundary, and I would expect you to respect it if you in fact decide to live here.

Again, I can't stop you from going out in the evening, but please be respectful enough to be home at a reasonable hour. If it's going to be past (insert your boundary here, Lynn -- 11pm? midnight?), please don't bother coming home at all.

Financially, I will continue to do more than my fair share to meet the family's needs, as I always have. I expect that you'll do the same. I do NOT want to see any of the family's assets spent enabling your affair -- you can pay for those things (your cell phone, your gas, gifts, etc.) with your own finances. I'm sure you'll agree that this is fair and reasonable.

As for you working, I see no reason why you can't find a job within 3 weeks. I will work with you to do whatever it necessary to make sure the children aren't left unattended or cared for while either one of us is working.

Thank you for communicating your boundaries. These are mine (and I only have a few):

1. No communication with your boyfriend from inside of our home.

2. No communication with him in front of our children, either at home or when you are out with them.

3. I will not in any way finance any part of your affair.

4. I will not lie for you, or in any way cover for your affair.

5. I still love you, do NOT want a divorce, and if you want to end your affair and come back and work on our marriage, I think you'll find that I can forgive you and that I am willing to discuss any and all issues -- including mine -- with you and a good marriage counselor. I will wait as long as I can, but I don't know how much disrespect I can stand.

Finally, I think I need to say that I think you underestimate me. I do love you, but I think you will find that I will do whatever it takes to protect myself, my family, and our finances.

Love,

Lynn"

[lynn97]

Puppy, I like that, makes me feel empowered just reading it. However the big problem that I have is that I'm currently NOT living at home. I'm on a friends couch. So this could be a way back in but I like the bed idea, hehe. I'm gonna think it over some more and also go over it with my counselor too before I write my version (probably using yours as a template). Thanks as always.

Lynn

[lodo]

Hey Lynn,

I've been debating about whether to post to you. I'll be honest, I didn't listen to puppy's advice in my own sitch because I had a hard time balancing my "nice guy"-ness with being firm. I'm now strongly on the way to D.

That said, you have to find what's comfortable for you - only you know your own sitch. But you know your wife. Why would she ask for the things she's asking for? What is her rationale? Deep down you know, whether you want to admit it or not - you've been together 12 years. You know how she reacts and how she determines and how she decides. And she's reading you the same way. And she wrote that letter with your reactions in mind.

It's a game. A dance. Almost a grab for power.

It's up to you to determine how you'll react. You may not be as blunt as puppy suggests - I certainly wasn't. But how do you determine whose best interests are at stake here?

No answers, a lot of questions. I wish you the best in this difficult sitch.

lodo

[lynn97]

So here's a question for the board. I've been secretly watching her number of text messages and they have been going up, albeit slower then they were. Now it's possible that she is texting someone else I don't know about but it's most likely the OM. She has said that she is done with him and it's over. Another third party that has talked to him has said the same. My question is should I confront her with this information. Basically tell her that I suspect you're still talking to him. As long as your talking to him I don't want to be your friend. Goodbye.

Lynn

[Hope4us]

Don't confront her until you KNOW. If she isn't talking to OM then it'll just seem controlling.

Is the third party a friend of W or OM? If so, I wouldn't believe it for a second. OM could have planted that knowing it would get back to you and you'd quit paying attention.

I know Puppy has said this to you before, but CHEATERS LIE. Always remember that.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lynn,

You need ironclad PROOF, or it will backfire. Wait until you actually SEE an inappropriate text message, or otherwise know for sure that she's still talking to OM, and THEN confront her with it.

I'm sure you won't have to wait long, if you're looking for it.

Puppy

[lynn97]

I'm not sure how I'm going to get to "see" a text message. She keeps her phone with her at all times. She even takes it to the bathroom. It's like her lifeline.

So I know I just start detaching, LRT, and GAL. Is there anything else I should do? We had what seemed like a nice conversation on IM yesterday. Was that really nice or was she just trying to butter me up so I would accept her demands? I'm going to see her toninght when I go see the kids. Should I be upbeat and "no worries" or a little aloof? Should I listen if she wants to talk or do a 180 and say I have to get back? Is it time to do a after LRT and ask for a divorce?

Lynn

[lynn97]

Well I just found a way to look at phone numbers online. She's been constantly texting him as I feared. No I have 'iron clad' proof now what?

Lynn