And the day came ...

[sage]

well, guys, I guess my list has provided food for thought! who knew that there would be all of us "controlling, non-listening, fearful, invalidaters" out there!! or should I say FORMER..... Wait 'til next week when I actually put some actions to each of the "main" categories of issues!

Dagny -- I like your idea about being more concrete about what I'm looking for from h. I know that he would like it, too. Part of the problem is that what I'm actually looking for is kind of vague in nature.

What I want is for him to want to solve these problems with me. Or, in this specific case, I want him to help me solve the issue of my healing from the affair, OUR healing our m, and getting rid of residual thoughts of ow.

So...what I'm asking for isn't a particular "solution" but for him to be part of finding the solution.

Sometimes I have an issue at work and I come home and tell h. about it. He gives suggestions on how to handle it. He might even call me the next day to see how well my implementation is going. That's what I want.

I want him to hear me say: look, I'm still really struggling with feeling that you and ow might still be in contact. Can you help me figure out how to stop struggling with that?

(Note to Brian -- Yes, you're likely more direct 'cause you're a man! Gotta learn that myself! But, to be clear, I wasn't asking h. if he was still involved with ow and wanting an answer for that. I was asking h. to help me figure out how to stop feeling worried).

A few weeks ago h and I had a fight over keeping our new kittens from scratching the furniture. He said "I consider it your responsibility to solve this problem". I was pissed because I felt like he was saying that he wasn't going to work on it at all. Turned out that what he was saying was this:

"I think I care more about this issue than you do. I KNOW that I will put effort and energy into solving this problem. I don't know that you will of your own accord. Therefore, if I make this YOUR problem to solve, I know that BOTH of us will be working to solve the problem."

When I'm in a grumpy mood I think: maybe I should make healing this m. and preserving our fidelity h's problem to solve following that model.

When I'm in a slightly less grumpy mood I think: we had a 2 day conversation about how to keep the cats from scratching the furniture. we actually came up with a solution, worked together on it and it's working. why can't we do that with out marriage?

When I'm in a variety of moods I think: I love my h. I want my m. to work. I want him to feel good about our m. and I want to feel good about it too. I don't want our m. to be hurtful for either of us. I want to work together to get there. I love and appreciate all the wonderful stuff that h is doing on his own to heal our m. I feel good about all the stuff that I'm doing too. I think it's time for us to do some stuff together.

H has called 3x today. Last call he asked if I was mad at him. I'm not and I told him that. I asked if he were made at mad. No. Then he asked if he could go on a date with his favorite girl. Well, yup, you can.

I don't think asking for help was a bad thing. I'm not sure how were gonna get there. And I'm thinking it might be a bit painful! But, I think we will do ok.

Sage