For me, the fear of the unknown with regard to my future is what gets me stuck into believing what I have now is worth saving. I feel like throwing in the towel, but, as someone who honors her commitments, I believe I will see this through to the end. Maybe. I am feeling highly fickle these days.
I left the house before my husband returned on Saturday. He never asked if I looked at his phone, but I was having a hard timing acting like my charming, sweet, lovingly detached self. ;-)
Yesterday was difficult as well. Emotions churning, questions of why, how, WHY??? Sadness that I don't trust the man I married or the girl I once considered a very close friend. More sadness that each of them would choose the other over their relationship with me. This morning I was *thisclose* to asking him something that would not have had a positive response. I'm proud that I bit my lip, and thankful that the raw emotion from earlier has passed.
Good things: I'm having a magnificent hair day. My OM seems to be doing very well (I'll post his pic on fb later). I saw a fox in our office parking lot (!!!). I bought a $170 toothbrush and I don't regret it (Sonic Care - I love it!). No matter what, I'll be OK.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Yep, you're my kind of woman. Class 5 whitewater and a Texas Hold Em reference all in the same sentence.
Perhaps my future isn't as bleak as it seems!
I would say your future is brighter than you could imagine. You're a really good person. A good guy is out there somewhere..he will be lucky if your H's fog does not lift.
Hopefully he likes adventure with a little gamblin' thrown in..a little excitement now and then is a good thing. It keeps you on your toes. IMO.
come east. I have a friend with a raft, he guided a Gauley trip for 6 years running..he's always looking for newbies and their first run on the Gauley..
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 06/24/0812:01 AM.
A good hair day, a healthy OM, a fox, and a toothbrush! It dosn't get any better than that!
That's what I was thinking !!!!
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
You're always wishing everyone else good things, so I thought I'd jump on and wish the same to you. Little early still, but sweet dreams and happy tomorrows.
Thanks lodo, gypsy, mike, cookie, jeff et al for sending love my way. It means so much. Sometimes I'm concerned with my dependency on this site and your friendship. I really do care for each of my DBers. But then I wonder, "How real is this?"
If you're not in the mood for a little Debbie Downer, you might want to skip my post.
Remember when I mentioned my tendency towards being fickle? Today I feel like I can not continue with this marriage. I really waffle between my desire to honor my commitments and my need for self preservation.
Why do I want to work so hard for someone to love me? Maybe because I remember how wonderful life with him used to be. We laughed a lot. We had a good time. We protected one another. But that is over now. We dont have children. It's not too late to cut and run. But I gave my word and I promised to stand by him in good and bad. Maybe we'll get through this and things will be better than ever. Imagine being in my head. It's like a pinball machine. Boing boing. Back and forth, back and forth. Exasperating!
I wish I could be like gForce and make a fraggin decision and stick with it. This waffling back and forth hour by hour is ridiculous. Is there no magic bullet that can extinguish the love for my husband and the disgust for the OW? Is there no pill that can make me apathetic? Why do I care? Why am I fearful?
EA OW's STBXBF (whew) keeps calling and asking me to have lunch. I know he needs someone to talk to, but every interaction with him leaves me feeling blecky (borrowing from lwb). I want to send him a text: "Please just leave me alllllllloooooooonnnnnnne." But, I'm the sweet girl, so I'll string him along for awhile until I feel better about my life... and then I'll take him to lunch so he can unload on me and provide details about my husband and 'her' that I'd rather not know... and I'll feel worse about my life.
I just feel extremely hostile and volatile today. I (lightly) slammed a door (yes, it's possible to lightly slam a door!) this morning at home, pretending it was an accident. I know, I'm emotionally immature, but it made me feel a tiny bit better and allowed me to hold my tongue.
When EA OW's STBXBF spoke to me several weeks ago, he mentioned she was buying the house across the street from their current home. She told him if she needed help with money, she had "a very good friend" who was happy to help her. Could this "friend" be my husband? When we married, he took over the finances and I took over the domestic side of things. I will not tolerate having my money go toward this woman's new home. Not after her betrayal of my friendship. F her. I'm really, really angry with her. I have to see her every day. I smile. I make small talk. I pretend to care about her. I can't bear the sight or sound of her.
When my husband finishes this project, our office will inevitably have a launch celebration and we'll have to slather them with compliments and put them on a pedestal together. We'll say "girlfromipanema's husband, you are such a genius. You are so incredibly talented." And he'll say, "I could not have accomplished this without the help and mastery of the amazing OW".
In real life, I seem very much my normal self today. I'm so grateful to have this forum to unleash all the ugliness inside of me. I'm determined to take the high road. I'm determined to never allow my emotions to dictate my actions again. That is not the woman I choose to be. I am better than that. Also, I had to write a formal warning for a staff member today. His supervisor wanted him to "feel the pain" so I unleashed.
I feel so much better.
Thanks, friends.
Last edited by girlfromipanema; 06/24/0811:53 PM.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I think the feelings you are having are pretty common around these parts! So, don't beat yourself up over them!
As far as the EX OW's STBXBF, I think asking him to leave you alone is perfectly appropriate. I know you are a very nice person, and it doesn't feel like you to do that, but do you need more bleck in you life? That's just my opinion, of course!
We like you, girl! And we have an alleged raft trip to plan! I can get from here to SAC for about the cost of gas on a plane, I hope those prices hold! Dates, we need dates! But, that should be allegedly talked about elsewhere!
