thanks both for the kind words, the understanding and for NOT making me feel like more of a doofus than I already feel. Beat myself up pretty good last night but also did try to cut myself some slack (hey, I'm a Gemini, I can do both of these seemingly opposite things at once!).
I think my delivery was calm (good) and non-accusatory. I was pretty clear (whether he heard it this way or not) that I wasn't suggesting that he IS in contact with ow but that I'M STILL having trouble with thoughts of it. I'm asking for help.
Obviously, my timing sucked. It's been an issue before for h. that I "ruin" things -- good times with a blowup. I think that's been true a few times since the "bomb" tho' I'm not sure that it was true PRE-a. I think I did it 2-3 times in the last 7 months (not including last night) and I guess it's because I get scared when things feel too good but there's still this "shadow".
Last night was SOME of that but it was also something else, too.
What I want for my birthday is some help navigating fixing this m. More specifically, I want what I asked for last night -- some help dealing with these feelings that I have. I honestly don't know exactly what that means....and that will likely drive h. crazy. I can work on being very specific but what I'd really like is if he worked with me.
What I realized this AM was this -- I asked for help. H can respond positively to my request or not. I will be OK whichever he chooses. And, it's OK for him to say no...it may not be ok from the standpoint of the eventual health of our m but it's certainly OK from the standpoint of his health, my health.
As for his silence...well, to be fair (and I wasn't when I posted last night) I DID tell him that I didn't want him to answer "now". I guess in my fantasy there would be NO STOPPING the words of reassurance and comfort that flowed from his lips....
I don't want to make life or love harder for my h. I want to love him. I want to be loved by him. I'm sorry that my own foibles get in the way. I'm also sorry that his do too.
I don't want him for one second to think that I don't love, appreciate and value all of the wonderful things that he's been doing. Cause I do. And I'm not saying "it's not enough" -- I'm saying "would you give me this, too? ". That seems different to me, but maybe it's not to him.
He just called -- only to let me know that he had given the cats run of the house (we've been slowly broadening their horizons -- from 1 room to the upstairs now to both floors). It was just to alert me for when I came home. Nothing more than that.
I'm gonna give him his space. I need some space, too.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Beat myself up pretty good last night but also did try to cut myself some slack (hey, I'm a Gemini, I can do both of these seemingly opposite things at once!).
