and don't look at past patterns as you may be surprised...
but IF h does retreat let him for a bit...but if it gets to be more than you can take...simply say..."I wasn't asking you about ow to acuse you of doing anything wrong..I am just still having some trouble dealing with things...maybe I'm still a bit insecure about it"
maybe he will respond and maybe he wont...
maybe his silence was becuase the mention of ow and your doubts about him kinda put a damper on the evening??
I know you want to ask about ow...and at some point you should be able to ask..and h should be able to give you an answer of some kind...
I've been looking at your sit with some envy for a while now...and having said that I'll let you know that after my last c session with h...the one where I left thinking oh great now h will retreat for a week or so as a result of the truth of my feelings comming out...sure he was silent for a long while...I stayed silent too..eventually he did speak and what he said spoke volumes.
it's ok to feel insecure in regard to h and ow and the question of "are they still..." with time it will pass...it is also ok for h to feel a bit bad when you question him about it...his silence doesn't mean they are still in contact..could just mean salt has been thrown into that wound that he'd rather forget.
let's put the ow's to rest...they are not part of our lives anymore...be done with them!!
Sage - at 7+ months it seems entirely reasonable to me that you would be able to ask - and entitled to know - if the OW was still lurking in the wings. It's possible that H's lack of response was something my H alluded to once - that he felt like if he was going to be accused of the deed anyway, he might as well be doing it? Crazy, I know - but they struggle with feeling guilty and wanting to be trusted. And when it comes after a GOOD behavior - it feels like you just invalidated all their good behavior.
So - a better approach? Sometime when you're NOT drunk, maybe in writing, just express that you do still have some concerns, don't mean to be paranoid, but would like to hear from him the status of his contact with OW. Tell him you're sure he understands why you feel unsure about this. And remind him how important honest communication is to your growing new R.
thanks both for the kind words, the understanding and for NOT making me feel like more of a doofus than I already feel. Beat myself up pretty good last night but also did try to cut myself some slack (hey, I'm a Gemini, I can do both of these seemingly opposite things at once!).
I think my delivery was calm (good) and non-accusatory. I was pretty clear (whether he heard it this way or not) that I wasn't suggesting that he IS in contact with ow but that I'M STILL having trouble with thoughts of it. I'm asking for help.
Obviously, my timing sucked. It's been an issue before for h. that I "ruin" things -- good times with a blowup. I think that's been true a few times since the "bomb" tho' I'm not sure that it was true PRE-a. I think I did it 2-3 times in the last 7 months (not including last night) and I guess it's because I get scared when things feel too good but there's still this "shadow".
Last night was SOME of that but it was also something else, too.
What I want for my birthday is some help navigating fixing this m. More specifically, I want what I asked for last night -- some help dealing with these feelings that I have. I honestly don't know exactly what that means....and that will likely drive h. crazy. I can work on being very specific but what I'd really like is if he worked with me.
What I realized this AM was this -- I asked for help. H can respond positively to my request or not. I will be OK whichever he chooses. And, it's OK for him to say no...it may not be ok from the standpoint of the eventual health of our m but it's certainly OK from the standpoint of his health, my health.
As for his silence...well, to be fair (and I wasn't when I posted last night) I DID tell him that I didn't want him to answer "now". I guess in my fantasy there would be NO STOPPING the words of reassurance and comfort that flowed from his lips....
I don't want to make life or love harder for my h. I want to love him. I want to be loved by him. I'm sorry that my own foibles get in the way. I'm also sorry that his do too.
I don't want him for one second to think that I don't love, appreciate and value all of the wonderful things that he's been doing. Cause I do. And I'm not saying "it's not enough" -- I'm saying "would you give me this, too? ". That seems different to me, but maybe it's not to him.
He just called -- only to let me know that he had given the cats run of the house (we've been slowly broadening their horizons -- from 1 room to the upstairs now to both floors). It was just to alert me for when I came home. Nothing more than that.
I'm gonna give him his space. I need some space, too.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Your list (especially the most recent additions) could and is my list.
An idea: As roadmap is a buzz word at the moment, could H possibly need a roadmap to be able to say and do to help you through the pain from the ow. Saying you need his help is vague, but could you be specific? Do you know, if H did this and this, then I would be satisfied and feel confident? Once you figure this out (if you haven't already), I would convey that to H, then he would know what you expect/need from him to reach a conclusion.
Okay, I just read all of sage's list. I feel like I was saying all of that about myself. Thank goodness sage can express herself so well. I think I will just copy the list for myself.
Maybe it's just because I'm a guy, but I would have been more direct, and expected an answer straightaway. Yeah, your timing sucked, but given that you asked, what was the point of not asking for an immediate answer? It sounds to me like you may have to ask again, or slowly drive yourself nuts waiting (nah, you wouldn't do that!). From everything you've been writing lately, you already know that it's very unlikely that he's in contact with her. In all probability, you would have gotten the answer that you wanted, and could have quickly changed the subject to a happier one, thereby saving the rest of the evening. Anyway, water under the bridge.
Admittedly, my thinking is being colored by my own situation. I'm currently struggling with whether or not to confront my W about her "secret" cellphone, which I'm sure is being used to continue contact with the OG. (Sage, LL, others, c'mon over to my thread if you have a chance).
Anyway, asking once every 3 months is hardly too often. DBing demands that we be solution-oriented, temporarily setting aside our own needs and desires in order to rebuild our M's; it doesn't demand that we never have our needs satisfied (like the need, yes the NEED, to have the any-contact-with-the-OW question answered).
Quote: DBing demands that we be solution-oriented, temporarily setting aside our own needs and desires in order to rebuild our M's; it doesn't demand that we never have our needs satisfied (like the need, yes the NEED, to have the any-contact-with-the-OW question answered).
Beat myself up pretty good last night but also did try to cut myself some slack (hey, I'm a Gemini, I can do both of these seemingly opposite things at once!).
