Well, screwed up bigtime tonight. The good news is that it's been 3 months since I've actually brought up the ow with h. The bad news is that the clock starts again tonight.

My new mantra is that 4 drinks are bad. OK, they weren't huge drinks but apparently that's enough for me to drop all of my good intentions and screw things up.

we went to dinner for a belated bday celebration. I made some stupid (but pointed) reference about hoping that the next year was better because the last year sucked. This was after h. made a perfectly lovely toast about loving me and all kinds of good stuff (NOT RIGHT after, people! I'm a better DB'er than that! it was like 2 hours after!)

Anyway, on the way back to the car I apologized for the comment. h apologized for his "contribution to the last year sucking".

I said "so, are things sort of straightened out?" . h said "yes" then "well, what do you mean"

I said "well, I left it general enough for you to answer any way you want". He gave a quick laugh then said (not terribly enthusiastically) "yes, I think so".

THEN, I said "well, I hope you'll forgive me given that it's my birthday and all but I'm still really struggling with the thought that you and ow are still in contact. I don't want you to answer now or anything but it just tears me up inside and I guess I was hoping that you could think of someways to help with that" or something.

no comment.

no comment on the way home.

thus endeth the story of my screw-up.

Any guesses? last time I brought this up, he withdrew for about a month.

Honestly? You can all pull out the 2x4s (I expect you too!) but at 7+ months I'd like to think that we could have some sort of conversation about this without totally derailing us.

Either they're still in contact and they don't think it's a problem -- but I do.

or, they're still in contact and they KNOW it's a problem (and I do)

or, they're not in contact and I HAVE a problem and maybe, just maybe, I could use some help with that.

or, I'm just a total idiot who just screwed up everything.

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.