Quoting charcoal: Come on, you know what "that feeling" is. It's that feeling you get when someone loves you, is interested in you, wants to learn about you, appreciates all you do for them, is vunerable to you, and sometimes most important, would NEVER even think of stepping on any of the gifts of your time and presence to them.
H's needs weren't getting met all along. No way. He wouldn't have left if they were. Besides, you were a legless-WAW, how could you possibly have been giving H that loving feeling. I know I'd be kidding myself if I thought I was filling H's needs all along. H doesn't want to help you figure out how to meet his needs, at least that's what I'm getting. My H has the luxury of coming here and reading my rants and responding to them later. You don't get that window into H's mind, so you have to keep trying different things, maybe?
What if you could ask what H liked so much about OW and he could answer you knowing it wouldn't hurt your feelings? Is he safe when he talks? I mean, he's already hurt you so much, any more guilt would be almost unbearable, right? Why would he tell you anything about OW if it's gonna piss you off? Because you want him too? No way. Sorry, it wont happen.
I've reposted this here because it's real food for thought for me...Over the last 7 months, I think I've learned a lot about myself and some of the things that I did to damage our m.
It has not been an easy path -- not because I'm not interested in looking at myself and my foibles (perhaps I spend TOO much time there!) but because there are times when it feels like forensic work...piecing (oops! no pun) together "clues" about what I've done wrong and what I've done right. H's answer to the direct question ... what did I do that led to your a? is "nothing". OK -- so perhaps that's just h. taking full responsibility for the decision to go outside the m....perhaps a better question ... what did I do to make you think our m. was "over"? (as he has stated). His answer? "You were so angry all the time."
So...here are some of the things that I've learned....
Things that likely contributed to the breakdown:
1. my anger (over my needs not being met? over having some picture in my head? over past stuff? over being afraid?)
2. putting m. behind all other things (family, work, volunteer job, etc)
3. not listening attentively when h. talked (reading, being on computer, tv, etc)
4. not appreciating the things that h. did around the house
5. trying to control all decisions (did this out of fear? sense of superiority?)
6. not trusting h. (resulting from early conviction that men cheat then leave + my need for more details re. his life than he was willing to share)
7. not accepting h. for who he is today (partly lack of appreciation, partly not meeting the "picture in my head", partly my drive for control, etc)
8. not letting h. really love me, really "get" to me (fear. fear. fear.)
9. (maybe) not acting as though having a family together was something I wanted to do (for a while it just seemed like the wrong time, then it was putting everything else first, then it was that he didn't seem truly interested in ME)
10. not managing my reactions well to h.'s disclosures about himself (stuff that scared me, need for control)
11. overanalyzing everything (this list doesn't count! )
12. not being "fun", being too "grown-up" (because I thought I was the only adult one in the r.)
13. never dropping the rope and letting h. pick it up
14. not being directly CLEAR about what I want -- and let his reaction NOT bug me
15. setting boundaries in the wrong places -- I tried to control his behaviors instead of just letting him know clearly what my response would be
16. making him feel like a bad husband, not grown up enough, not responsible enough, not anything enough. a bad risk.
17. not making an attempt to be interested in some of the things that interest him
18. being a big giant baby when I didn't get my way.
19. always wanting my way.
20. making is seem like "his way" was almost right...but with this slight "my way" edit.
21. not seeing his romantic side. not seeing his vulnerable side.
22. being a naysayer (either directly or through silence) -- not being a cheerleader for his dreams and goals (fear, fear, fear. need for control)
23. letting this fester than blowing up.
24. making my fears, my insecurities, etc, seem like his problem
25. simply not appreciating everything that he offered every day.
I'm not trying to be doom and gloom here...I'm gonna use this list to come up with some goals/actions.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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