And the day came ...

[sage]

Here's my horoscope (Gemini):

We place a lot of emphasis on language. We believe that words have power and that some, very specific words, are so strong; that they can almost have a physical impact. Think, for example, about swear words. To some, these are so distasteful that they provoke a very real reaction every time they are heard. Yet no matter how we may be using those words - or how many of them we may utter, we cant achieve more than a certain amount with them. We cant satisfactorily use them to describe our deepest feelings. Today, you need to listen with your heart.

and h's (virgo):

Every so often we have naughty thoughts. We entertain ideas that seem slightly shocking or which might, if communicated to others, get us into trouble. But, just as we cant stop ourselves from experiencing the occasional wild desire, we cant keep at bay all the dark thoughts that flit across our mind. They are natural and as long as we dont actually act on them, they are harmless. We do need though, to share them with people we can trust once in a while, just as they need to share theirs with us. Some opening up needs to take place now.

I know lots of people don't believe in them...but I love reading them, especially the ones by Cainer (the ones above). Even if they have no merit, or nothing to do with "the stars", he puts such applicable thoughts out there (my need to listen with my heart, h's "scary thoughts", need for opening up, etc) that it just feels weird to me!

*******************
Gotta get some positives out because I'm having a bit of a hard time...

1. H was very responsive last night when I was talking about my fears of losing my job to a layoff

2. After a kind of irritating start to the night, h and I finally made it to our dinner spot. He had "seemed" (my ASSumption) in a funk in the beginning of the night but was unresponsive to my questions about it, etc (as per usual). I finally asked him "what question could I ask that would be ok in that sitch" -- he responded with "are you in a bad mood?" . OK -- good to know. Simple, direct....

3. h told me (w/o prompting) that he sometimes feels badly about us watching so many sox games in lieu of going out and doing something else. I told him that I'd MUCH rather hear from him "I don't want to go out; I want to watch the game" then to have him go out when he doesn't want to. I told him that I can always choose to go out without him, agree to stay in, whatever.

*********************** baby steps in communication, no?

So, why the funk for me? well, I can feel myself hardening...making today's sitch harder instead of easier on me and h...not good stuff..have to get out of this! I need to take a step back, relax, do a 180, focus on the good stuff (above) that DOES show progress,etc.

The story is that we ran up against something last night that pushes my buttons, that makes me feel as though we won't "make it". I know I can put a positive spin on it if I try hard enough (now I know where to focus my energy and goals, etc) but like I said, I can actually FEEL myself struggling to do that.

It's stupid what happened...we were going to go to the movies. it was SO beautiful out (finally) that I called h. spontaneously and asked if he wanted to walk around the city instead and go find someplace to eat outside. he said yes but sounded weird (???? was it me? because I was "taking too much control", because I was worried about calling him?). anyway, got home, seemed a bit off (see q's above!), got in car, drove into town, hit a bunch of traffic. I did my "usual" where I start to get irked because HE seems irked (dumb). ended up having a lamea$$ discussion "what's wrong" "nothing" "what's wrong with you" "nothing". arrgh. finally parked the car, started walking. h seemed to warm up a bit, cooled off, warmed up, on and on.

we ended up fine and had some mini-breakthrus as described above. good stuff. so why am I so semi-irked? (screw it -- sorry if you're reading this h -- I'm not semi-irked, I'm irked. send me back to square one. whatever). because it was a gorgeous night, I thought we had a fun plan, a dynamic, sexy, awesome couple spending a casual night on the town and h still seemed unhappy by it. or I thought he was. maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. but we ended up in the same stupid place where I'm left wondering WHY it feels up to ME to figure out JUST the right thing to say to CRACK THE CODE of talking with h.

ok, ok. I know that's melodramatic and unfair and that I have a responsibility for my sorry contribution to the sitch. and, I can choose to handle it differently next time. and, I can take pleasure in the fact that we DID cover some new ground and that's good.

I'm jealous of jethro's breakthru.
I'm scared that the reason h. doesn't tell me things is because he still doesn't really know if he wants to be with me.
I'm scared that he's still looking for an out -- that I'm ok "for now" but that he'll never feel as though he can be honest with me.
I'm scared he's reading this and thinking "she's never happy. I'm gonna leave"

I want to feel like part of a team.

h. tells me to be simple, direct with him. I should tell him that I feel like I have to crack a code to understand him. of course, if I say "I feel like..." he will close his ears, right?

I need to listen with my heart. my ears and brain are screwing me up.

allright. 180 foot view says that the night start out "same old, same old" and then we made some babysteps.

h asked me if I was going to watch the game with him tonight. cool.

Sage