H had 3 year affair and I never knew!

[tmi]

too much information? seemed okay to me - good luck with the sale.

It's quite common for the unfaithful spouse to be surprised about the hurt partner's reaction and to be somewhat unwilling to go into more discussion - they've already processed things, having been 'in the loop' while stuff whas happening. You are just at the beginning of learning what's been going on and are entitled to every single reaction you are having.

[happycamper]

Feel overwhelmed tonight, very sad, sense of loss. H doesn't feel that way, I think because our R ended a long time ago for him.

I also feel a complete failure. Hearing detail (which I asked for) about the OWs makes me feel I can't compare. Well I can't go to S&M clubs and spank other people's bottoms, can I?!! How could I possibly think I could be enough for him?

Found some of our old condoms in the bedside cabinet this morning, and gave them to him, a little joke with him, you know. Thing is, that is where he is. Very ready to sleep with someone else. I put them in his coat pocket for him. He's not mine, not mine at all.

It doesn't bother me that much and yet I'm writing about it again... it must hurt somewhere.

[happycamper]

Thanks Ingrid. When I said angrily that I wanted bad things to happen to her (have apologised since) he said that she had already had plenty of bad things happen to her already. It just hit me that this is a real person, with a real life, and he loved her.

I just said just because she had had bad things happen it didn't give her the right to sleep with a married man for 3 years.

[DanceQueen]

(((((HUGS))))))

Keep journaling...sometimes it is the only thing that helps. Just wanted you to know I am still reading and rooting for you...

DQ

[BeingMe]

HC, I doubt your H loved any of the OW ... he never left you for any of them, did he? And, why, if he had checked out so long ago, did he have children with you? I think your H is a selfish, serial cheater, and couldn't care less about you, his family, or the OW in his life. It's all about him, and his wants.

You are entitled to feel angry, betrayed, etc. Just don't let it take you over. I also don't think it a good idea to discuss his having sex with other people, and I see no good purpose in discussing his OW. Maybe, you should aim for a friendly co-parenting R, but not being friends. Just polite, and distant.

Of course, this is just my opinion. Take care.

[happycamper]

Be the greener grass - I love that!!!

Thanks BMe for your words. You are right - it is all about him. He says he is, as most addicts say, 'special and different'. Why he didn't tell me he was struggling back when it started is the most cowardly thing he has done.

[happycamper]

Think I know why he isn't really saying sorry for the As (not that it really matters). I had an interesting exchange yesterday. I had been upset earlier in the day that our R was coming to an end.

H comes in from work, I'm melancholy.

H - I'm really sorry you're sad.

M - That's ok.

H - I never wanted you to be sad.

M - Well, you never intended for me to find out about the As.

H - Physically recoiling and aggitated We're not ending because of the As, it's not about that. I thought you appreciated that, it's not about them...

He was fine when he thought I was unhappy about us ending, when he realised I was unhappy about the As it was a different matter. I think he is very defensive at the moment because he thinks everyone is going to hate him because of the way he has treated me. If I say that we are ending because of his behaviour he can't deal with it at all. If I catch him at the right moment he is really sorry for them, but to admit that here and now is to admit liability, which he can't do.

Of course it is not only about the As (see my SSM thread), that is not what I am saying. But the As were the difference between me wanting to carry on our R and me calling it a day. We can't leave them out of the picture.

[happycamper]

My prayer for today -

Father, give us both peace or mind, strength and grace for each other. I pray that you will be in our negotiations and that they will be calm and mature. Help me to detach safely from S and lead me forward in my new life where You are more the focus. Help me to learn the lessons here and be a good example. For I know that all things work together for good, for those who love You.

Amen.

[BeingMe]

That is an awesome prayer, HC! I think if one learns to let go, detach, things do end up working out for the best. It's when we cling to events, relationships, the past, or whatever, that things tend to go wrong.

Each day brings it's own joys, even with the pain of life. Look for the joy in everything, and before ya know it, that's what your life will be ... joyful.

Now, if I can just take my own advice, 'eh!

[happycamper]

LOL BMe! I would love to be able to take my own advice!

Funnily enough, at the moment I have only told one of my friends (other than the church pastoral person) what is going on. Sadly for her, her business is going under and she is in serious debt (UK credit crunch!). She phones me up these days, she asks me how I am, I tell her briefly, and then we spend the rest of the conversation with me giving her encouragement!

Maybe she's just a really really good friend and she knows what I need at the moment is to be able to help someone else!

There is an amazing preacher called John Bevere and I think it was him who said that if all we ever get is things flowing in (advice, support etc) and nothing ever flows out of us (ie we help others) we become like the Dead Sea - dead. We need to be willing to be used even in the darkest times of our lives. I like that.