Wife is considering filing - Need Help

[LosingSunshine]

I started this new thread because I wanted to share a little more of the history behind my current sitch and also to seek advice for some of the current happenings.

W and I have been together for almost 8 years, M almost 5 with 4D and 2S. Our lifes have been transformed over the years with the birth of our kids and two job relocations (my job). In addition to the job relocations, the past year and a half have been extremely stressful at work with insane hours, fear of layoff, seeking opportunities elsewhere and anywhere. All of this was happened shortly after we began experiencing other M issues. We began having an SSM after 4D was born and we fell into the that circular trap of no action - reaction etc...that intensified with the second relo (first relo - not married yet, no kids). My reaction to the SSM and stress at work was to come home and drink, not too excessively during the week, but nonetheless, enough to be considered incapable of helping with duties (getting up with kids at night). Of course, on the weekend with get togethers with friends, I would drink which allowed her not to take part in the fun because of the responsibility of the kids (also, never physically or verbally abusive when drinking). In addition, I allowed myself to become removed from most of the household chores as my W picked up the slack.

We had our discussions about this and we both agreed that we would work on our shortcomings but nothing everchanged, if anything, it all got worse. Fast forward to the past few months, things at work were getting extremely stressful at work...to the point that we had decided to move closer to family at anycost. Shortly after that decision was made, the W starting becoming friends with some very independent women, which I encouraged, but to my knowledge, we were still moving. As job hunting goes, it took awhile for something to materialize which happened the day before the bomb dropped (basically had to go to city for interview and would receive offer next day with relo package).

The day she dropped the bomb (Tuesday last week) was the day before her b-day. Also, her new friends emailed me right before I left work the previous Friday asking if they could take her out for dinner and drinks on her b-day and I said sure...I was even invited but decided no to stay home and watch the kids and let her have fun. That evening, after dinner with another couple, I mentioned it to her (forgetting that it was going to be a surprise) just to make sure there was nothing she was expecting to be doing with me and the kids. Well, turns out that was a no-no. W POV became that I was angry that they were doing this. Additionally, the day the bomb dropped she found out that BFF's mom from back home had been hospitalized and commented that if she died, she would not be able to go to the funeral b/c of my f*&^% interview on Friday. She finally got in touch with BFF and found out nothing to worry about but told her how angry I was about her friends taking her out the next day. I told her that the statement made me look horrible and it was not true. I left upset (she says stormed out) and when I came home, helped put the kids down. I prodded later on why she was upset and so it all now begins...

Loves me, always will. Doesn't want to work on M, not sure if S or D just not sure who she is, what she wants, needs independence. Too tired, has let go of worrying about me and that makes her feel better. I'll post a link to my other thread that details the next few days.

Well, yesterday morning, she moved downstairs while I took the kids to church and my D golfing with me.

When we got home, I took my S to the hardware store with me but before I left, she asked me to pick some things up for her shich I did. When we got back she wanted to talk again...she was pretty certain that D was the answer, she said.

I told her that I don't think so, but I support whatever decision she thinks is best for her. I told her that I see several happy endings to our journeys we are beginning. She also said, that she's sure there is someone else out there that can make me happier than she could???? W said she doesn't know who she is and I stated that she is a wonderful mom. Some talk about contributing issues (SSM, drinking (I said I will be discussing with C why I drink when stressed) communication issues) and it was hard to keep it as the we's and I. Doesn't want me to be angry or frustrated. I said I wouldn't be angry (frustrated, eh, yeah) but we should treadlightly with acting on decisions because no matter what we think, the kids will be impacted. I left the conversation to start dinner. During this talk, the kids constantly interrupted so shortly thereafter, I suggested that the next time, maybe we get a friend's daughter to come over to watch the kids so we could leave and talk. She was open to that.

Well, finished dinner, helped bathe kids and she took over from there saying I could do whatever. So I did.

I left and didn't come home for 2 1/2 hrs. She probably thought I went to the bar but I didn't. I went to a friends house to talk. When I got back, she was upstairs sitting on the couch with a very upset/distraught look on her face. I asked how the kids were going to bed and she said okay. I put away the dishes and went outside to think. She went downstairs eventually, not sure when...

This morning, she asked me how I slept and I said okay. Was up the earliest in the longtime and actually helped immensely with the kids this morning (another 180). Gave her the address of my C that she agreed to meet with today. She also thanked me for picking up her lunches for the week. I got to work and felt that I needed a 1/2 day so I took the afternoon off to write this.

Well, I get online and noticed that when I opened the browser, the most visited site was left on and her searches include d law, finding hidden assets (I wish I had some), googling my name etc..

I've been wondering the past hour, why keep these internet searches so obvious, why still calling me honey. Does she want me to chase her? Is my LRT pushing her to D. This is barely a week old but she has a history of over reacting before letting the dust settle.

I am keeping focused on the kids, doing things that I should have done a long time ago, have reduced drinking to just a few if any (I want to make the choice out of enjoyment and not stress) but not overdoing it and will reassess shortly. I hope my C can cause the train to slow down and that she gets a C sooner rather than later.

Any advice from WAWs? I fear that my 180s and PMA and LRT are coming across as me trying to upset her eventhough I am not. She has said so, just that what I am doing will not change her mind..I said that I like doing what I am doing because I am getting such a pos response from the kids.

How do I get the dust to settle and into a holding pattern? Any advice?