Sorry for disappearing for a while. Much has gone on since my last posts, some good, some bad.
Probably most helpful for me, is that I've switched therapists. I came to realize after ~ 6 months that my previous therapist wasn't really helping me and that I needed to leave her. This was a difficult realization to come to and then a difficult job to execute.
From the first time my husband met PreviousTherapist (a few weeks after I did), he had been encouraging me to switch therapists. I didn't want to, because I wanted to give PreviousTherapist a chance, and thought we might be able to make it work. I saw her weekly, and tried to bare my soul. However, although I had no problems being honest and direct in sessions, I was rarely able to access my deeper emotions. I often spent time thinking about how she'd react, rather than where I'd like our therapy to go. However, I somehow felt like I was making progress (even though it could be argued that I wasn't really), which is why I didn't leave. I would go to session, work on some small thing, feel incrementally better, report back happily to my husband, who would then become even more dark and gloomy, because he felt like I was occupying my time with insignificant tasks.
It should be mentioned that conversations between my husband and myself, if he suggests that I try something that he came up with (new therapist, getting a video, making more appointments), my typical reaction (almost without thinking) is to push back or push away. I might say: "I don't think that is the case." or "Really what is important is this." or "That reminds me of something unrelated that I thought of today." or "I am really busy today, maybe tomorrow." We go in circles talking about this, with me feeling that he's becoming increasingly more bossy, and with him feeling that I am completely unwilling to take his opinion into account. He feels like I am fighting against him rather than fighting for us. Do the rest of you have interactions like this? I hate them. I feel like we're not working together, and they just escalate to more sadness and anger.
Anyway, with PreviousTherapist, I needed to decide to leave her myself, not at my husbands insistence. Ironically, what we'd been working on in therapy was what ultimately helped me to leave her. While in therapy with PreviousTherapist, I realized that I was depressed, and she helped hold my hand as I found the right meds. With the meds working, I can think more clearly and act more decisively. PreviousTherapist also pushed me hard to define my own space away from my husband, and by being able to do so, I was able to define my own space from her.
I've met with NewTherapist just once so far, but already I'm feeling more comfortable and productive. My goals in therapy these days are to come to a better understanding of my emotional side. Much of the time, I just feel sad. NewTherapist had a surprising insight that perhaps I was more comfortable with sadness than with other uncomfortable emotions. She had me explore what feelings I experience before sadness washes over me. It turns out that right before I go to sadness, I feel vulnurability and fear. I don't want to feel either of those emotions, so I either slip into sadness (somehow crying makes me feel more actively in control of my emotions) or to feeling completely blank (which makes me feel helpless).
My assignment this week was to try and sit with my vulnurability and fear. To try and hold onto them so that they don't slip away from me. If I can feel them, then I can start to get at what's causing them.
Also, I have a weak connection between my analytical and emotional sides. If I'm feeling analytical, I rarely feel emotional and vice versa. Obviously this is difficult when trying to navigate issues with LD. When experiencing the emotions that come up with sex, my analytical side would turn off, leaving me helpless. NewTherapist is trying to get me to reconnect these sides. I can see us on an emotional exploration that will be helpful for me
So, I guess that is the positive side of the past few weeks. But as always there is darkness as well. I've written a lot now, so my next post will be on darkness and difficulty.
