If you still have hopes of reconciling the relationship that is.
Re-read your post.
"I think", "cannot prove", "all the signs".
What does it gain you? Does it make YOU feel better about what you've done to point out what SHE's done? Is this a tit for tat kind of thing?
I detect some attitude in your posts. I really get the impression that you think your wife should be giving you a free pass because of your health problems. It sure looks like you expect her to rejoice that you've found your problem out, embrace your happy family again, and forget about everything in the past.
Re-read your OTHER posts. What you describe is damned scary. And for a wife and daughter? Are you telling me that because of a gluten intolerance you were unable to keep yourself from going in to a lunatic rage that scared the bejeezus out of your daughter and wife?
That's how SHE is thinking right now.
In my eyes, your only option is to get some distance, allow her to regain HER composure, and begin with small steps between the two of you. Hope that she drags her feet on the actual divorce business, and you can drag yours as well.
What you all have lived through has not been pleasant. Don't minimize how difficult it has been for her. You both have to own up to many things and make some significant changes before this is ready to be repaired.
Your job now is to make sure that every day you are walking with integrity and honor. Be the man/father that you are called to be. Give your wife a chance to heal, without cramming your love for her and your desire for your marriage down her throat at every opportunity. And if you can manage to stop feeling sorry for yourself because "she just won't try" that would help too.
How many of these cycles has she been through? I think she's done pretty good at trying. Though she is not without fault here either.
Some humbleness is going to have to become a part of your daily way of living if you hope to endure this.
Blessings,
bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I know she has been through a ton of crap and so have I. I do not expect her to just forget about the past, but there is more to this than just our relationship problems she is also having massive mood swings and has a serious gambling problems that she is keeping from everyone. This is why I'm looking for some advice before opening my mouth to her about certain things.
As far as gluten intolerance and rage. NO, that is not the only thing that affected my chemistry it was the hypoglycemia. It's actually common. uncontrollable rage, snap irritability, anger, paranoia etc. Many raging alcoholics for example have serious problems with bloodsugar, her problem and I understand it is that she just compares it to stuff that happened in the past and does not see the problem for what it is. Her thinking is definitely clouded with resentment, anger etc. and I do understand that and empathize.
As far as her trying and I don't blame her... she really was not there for me, I got pushed aside and had to figure out all of this on my own with no support from her. She told me before (even in her email) that she feels guilty about that. I don't resent her for it, I'm past that. I'm just happy to finally have a clear head and no depression.
I'm not sure what to say to her when I leave. I don't just want to leave without saying anything and I don't want her to think that I am leaving mad or with any ill feelings toward her. As far as the OM, like I said i cannot prove it so really I cannot express any feelings for that since they very well could be totally wrong anyway. I just have a funny feeling about it, but that's all.
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
Hi Scott, I only have a minute but I want to get back with you. I largely agree with Bill.
As others have said, your wife has experienced your interactions as abuse. YOU experienced it as an illness.
I do have compassion for you, Scott, it is extremely difficult to go through what you've gone through, and feel you have found an answer and feel you have not been given a chance. It's also extremely difficult to go through what you've gone through and feel you didn't have the support you've needed from the person you love the most.
Your wife also went through this without having you to support her through it. And she can come back with lots of folks have diabetes, gluten intolerance, celiac disease, alcoholism, and lots of other things WITHOUT being abusive.
You have a better chance of making progress with her if you own that and very slowly build that trust with your actions. Right now your words are not going to make much difference, at least in a good way, so you want to say as little as possible.
So just use this:
if she needs to talk to me or needs someone to listen to or lean on I will be there for her as a friend
On a further note....protect yourself against her gambling, but otherwise don't be mean financially. Guys who get super tough about that lose, especially with a WAW, even if they initially win.
Last edited by sgctxok; 06/23/0805:25 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Your job now is to make sure that every day you are walking with integrity and honor. Be the man/father that you are called to be. Give your wife a chance to heal, without cramming your love for her and your desire for your marriage down her throat at every opportunity. And if you can manage to stop feeling sorry for yourself because "she just won't try" that would help too.
Blessings,
bill
Print this and keep this wherever you can see it.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
If you want something to say to her in parting, keep it simple and honest.
Letting her know that you love her is fine, just don't go over the top with it.
You should definitely let her know that you take responsibility for your actions and that you are devastated at the affect it has had on her and your family.
And you can let her know that all she ever has to do is call if she needs anything.
And note that the writing above is FAR more than the words you need to be saying in quantity. Again, keep it simple and honest.
Be a present Dad. Take every opportunity to see your kids. Make an effort to normalize that schedule so that their lives are not in any more turmoil than necessary.
It's a lot about attitude for you right now. As Sg said, you have to OWN the impact of your medical problems on the family. You have spent so long trying to convince your wife that it was medical and out of your control. To her that sounds like you are excusing yourself. She NEEDS to know that you understand how rough it was for them, and that you are terribly sorry for all the problems you had.
They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Well that's about what you're facing here, a thousand mile journey. And these are just the first steps. The road is long and often difficult, but if you are a man of honor and integrity AND you are committed to bringing healing to your family, you will continue step by step to travel this path.
Know going in that there is not much in the way of rewards along the way. Your eye is on the final prize - a family restored.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
We're being pretty frank with you Scott, but it will help you. We wouldn't bother if we didn't think you could do it and/it would be worth it.
I know and I sincerely appreciate it... want you all to know that.
Where's a bit of an update.
In the morning and was pretty miserable. I was making breakfast and she started doing the dishes, which she cannot stand. (earlier I mentioned how she rage/cleans when she is mad)I told her I was intending on doing them as soon as I finished eating and told her let me because I know she hates to do them. She just snapped and said no, I don't care. So I let it go.
She left to take our friends daughter to a Dr. appointment and the friend called for her a while later and I said she was not home. We both wondered if she went to the casino, so she actually drove by and saw the car there.
I called the bank to check on the account she uses and there was only 10 dollars left in it! And a bunch more transactions to the casino. I also noticed another 400 dollars unaccounted for.
I said nothing of this when she came home. I simply continued packing my stuff up. She was in a "fake" happy mood. You know how you know someone close to you is really faking their mood. That is what she was doing.
I did not talk to her at all. I will briefly before I leave just as suggested to tell her that I will be there for her to talk and lean on as a friend. That's pretty much all I'm going to say to her.
I did talk to the kids today and they were really hurt that I was leaving, they kind of thought things would just smooth over in time. I told them I'd always be there for them no matter what any time day or night. We were all crying. I told them I'm not going to lie to them and that I did not know if mom and I were going to get a divorce or not and had no idea what was going to happen between us in the future. I just told them we'll take things one day at a time and a stressed that they need to be as understanding as they can and not take anything out on her. I said you already know she is really stressed and moody and it has nothing to do with them. I just said if she gets bad that they should go do something to take their mind off it and I told them to do their best to night fight with her. Hopefully they will listen.
BTW- they know nothing of how serious the gambling is, but I know they sense something is not right beyond just our relationship. Mainly because of how she is neglecting them and constantly bickering with them and always going out. That's why they give her a hard time.
I'll post an update tonight after I move some of my stuff.
- Scott
Original Thread Part 2 M-37 W-34 M 10 T 14 2 Ds 13
Do you think I should confront my w about this OM that I'm pretty sure is giving her emotional support.
Any advice here?
Hon...how is her relationship with this man any different than your relationship with the woman who is your friend that you described earlier? Aren't they serving the same function?
And...well, you have no power right now. The more you push and point fingers, the more she'll cling to someone else.
My H was in an EA with another woman, all the while saying they were "just friends" (despite the letters I found he wrote her, never sent her...and I think it was mostly one sided--she was being a support). Over time, I found myself with a male friend, developed feelings for him in that same way--he was in a similar sitch with a GF. I know at least a part of it was out of spite.
Anyway...unless you are willing to cut all ties with your friend--and do it FIRST, and do it WITHOUT COMMENT, then I think you really have no right to be upset with your W. You didn't respect her feelings about this other W in your life, so why should she respect yours?
Ultimately in a M, any "friend" that is a threat to the M must be set to the side. Unfortunately, you are in no position to be making any demands at all.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
