Newbie

[Silent Chrleader]

OK, this is my first post. I got the "bomb" from my H in March. "Not sure if I ever loved you".

Been married 25 years. Met him when I was 17 and together ever since. After the bomb, we seperated for 5 days (went to my mother's) but after much begging and pleading on my part got back together. Last few months I have been doing everything to make him happy, but no response from him.

He says he just wants to be alone. He said he was going to move out in a couple months, but after much soul searching, I told him I'd rather he go sooner than later and that I could use the time to think and be on my own as well. We agreed to a 6 month seperation and then see where we are. No dating others in that time. He moved out to his own apartment this weekend.

We have been seeing a counselor, both for IC & MC. H says we continue IC for at least a few more sessions but not sure beyond that. Counselor wants me to work on Depression and Self Esteem. I have lost count of the number of "self help" books I have bought in the last 3 months. I have now joined two support groups. One for "Reinventing yourself after divorce" and another that's more of a social group for singles to get out and do things. I have also joined a Yoga class and started a journal. So, I am doing all the things I've been told I "should" be doing for ME, but I am still so afraid and empty inside. I don't know who I am without him. I have always been the hopeless romantic (started reading romance novels in jr high) and I just feel like my whole life has been pulled out from under me.

I am trying to keep a positive outlook. I tell myself there is reason for hope. He says there is no OW, although his 28 year old "assistant" is going through a divorce now and I know she has been leaning on H for support. I may be naive (my mother thinks I am) but H assures me that there is nothing there, and that he wouldn't start another R without ours ending first, and our counselor even believes him. Still, he has completely withdrawn from me and I can't even talk to him because to him that would be "pushing". So, now I guess I'm at what you all call the LRT. I am trying to be up-beat and cool when I talk to him but I have promised myself that I won't call,e-mail, or anything unless it's an absolute emergency.

I suppose I'm lucky too that we don't have small children. We have a D23 and S17. Son is very close with his dad and it conerns me that he hides his feelings like his dad and says "nothing really touches" him when I know that's not true. Daughter is very angry with her dad, but they have always had issues.....

I'm sorry for all this "rambling"......

[MissH]

Ramble on....Sorry to find you hear but this is a good place to be for someone in your sitch.

"Not sure if I ever loved you".

Yep, I got that too. Typical MLC statement. First rule, believe half of what you see, and nothing of what you hear.

Last few months I have been doing everything to make him happy, but no response from him.

That is because it's not you it's him. Nothing you can do will make him happy. Happiness comes from within. He needs to learn that for himself.

He moved out to his own apartment this weekend.

This could be a blessing in disguise. Most of them move out and for us it helps that feeling of 'walking on eggshells when they are around' start to disappear.

that I could use the time to think and be on my own as well

Good for you. You are on the right track. You can use your alone time to work on yourself. (We all could use a little working on.)

We have been seeing a counselor, both for IC & MC. H says we continue IC for at least a few more sessions but not sure beyond that.

Been there done that too. I think a lot of these MLCers go to counseling in the beginning so they can say that they "tried." Usually for a long time they run away from their problems and are not ready to work on themselves. I am glad to see that you are working on YOU.

I don't know who I am without him

Along this journey, as long as you keep working on YOU, you will find yourself.

He says there is no OW, although his 28 year old "assistant" is going through a divorce now and I know she has been leaning on H for support. I may be naive (my mother thinks I am) but H assures me that there is nothing there, and that he wouldn't start another R without ours ending first, and our counselor even believes him.

Unfortunately most of the MLCers have an ow/om. They seem to come with the territory as a bandaid. His relationshop the the 28 year old assistant may not be physical but it sounds like an emotional affair. I don't mean to hurt you by telling you this, I just don't want you to be blindsided if anything comes of it.

I am trying to be up-beat and cool when I talk to him but I have promised myself that I won't call,e-mail, or anything unless it's an absolute emergency

Again, you are on the right track. Good for you!

I am sorry your children are hurting. No matter how old they are, it always seems to affect them.

Keep posting tjg, you will find a lot of help here for your sitch.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks for the encouragement, MrsH. I know this is his own journey and I have to take care of me, but I just keep looking for the sweet, tender, man I thought I knew all these years and I miss him so. I know that if he is the man I think he is, he will eventually see the light, but right now it sure doesn't seem likely. Sometimes I am afraid that I just imagined him. I get so angry that he is just doesn't want to care about anything but himself. And, I wonder even if he does "come around" how will I ever get over this pain or trust him again?

[hoosiermama]

Hang in there, newbie, and read through the MLC resources in this forum--you'll learn a lot, and it will help you understand what's going on. For me, it also helped me tremendously to cope with my H's MLC. Reinforced that it's him, it's not me. I got a lot of strength from reading. You're doing all the right things--just keep doing them, keep reading, consider reading DR as well. It's a long haul--I'm in the early stages myself, but reading and posting here have been very helpful.

You mention that your identity is wrapped up with being his wife. The most healthy thing you can do now is to "GAL"--get a life. You'll find yourself, and it will get less painful because your attention will be distracted away from obsessing about his every move (been there, done that). It will probably feel like you're just putting one foot in front of the other and faking it. But there's some real value to "faking it till you make it." I'm sure it was difficult when he moved out, but most of us find that it's a lot more peaceful and less anxiety-producing when he's not there all the time. It will definitely help you GAL. Find something you're fairly passionate about, or something you never found time to do, and pursue it. It will help on many levels. Clean house, clear out clutter--I've found that to be helpful too.

It isn't easy, but it's a lot less horrible with some resources and support. Keep on keeping on--there are a lot of good people here.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, Hoosiermama. Thank you for the reply and good advice. I know in my head that someday I'll look back and see this as a good thing. That I'll come out of it stronger and smarter, but patience has never been my strong suit.

By the way, are you by any chance from Indiana? My mom is from there and I have all kinds of extended family (aunts, uncles, cousin, etc....) who live there.

[Bworl]

You're doing what can be done right now. You care for yourself and move on with living your life as though he will not be back.

There is no cure for the ache inside. No number of hobbies or GAL activities will eliminate the loss that you feel. Only time will help there. I found a great relief inside in finally accepting that this was not ME, but somethine wrong inside of the spouse who walks out. It's natural to wonder what we could have done differently, and there usually are some things we could and should have straightened out in US, but that is NOT the crux of the matter here.

And yes, I'm sorry to chime in with MrsH and tell you that there is in all likelihood already a relationship going on in some form, whether it's with his assistant or another person. Very few of these people walk away and stay alone. Your husband is looking for a rush, a high that brings back the kind of excitement that he used to feel in his younger days. There's nothing like a new relationship to get that fix.


If you are a person of faith, I encourage you to turn to God for peace and companionship. My faith was restored during my situation and was crucial in my being able to process the nightmare that our family was going through.


Let him contact you, otherwise leave him be. If you begin to notice any danger signs like large expenses taking place, it may be time to consider protecting yourself financially. Otherwise, let this unfold and take extremely good care of yourself. Try to make interactions with him as positive as possible and let him see that you are surviving quite well without him.


Blessings,

Bill

[fooled again]

tjg,

You have found a safe place, a place to heal and to grow and find hope. hoosiermama is right - the resources on MLC are so helpful. I wish I had come here in the beginning and found them, instead of 1.5 years into my journey, but it has made all the difference in my life. I found the Six Stages of MLC especially helpful, as I knew nothing about MLC until my coach pointed my in that direction. Most will say to ignore the timelines, but I found them to be slightly reassuring, though then my H seemed to follow the script to a T.

I have to agree w/ MrsH, that you need to be aware that OW is pretty likely. It sucks, but MLC seems to follow a pattern that is repeated with uncanny accuracy in many cases. Learn as much as you can - it can only help you. But don't share what you learn w/ your H - he won't hear you.

And prepare yourself for an amazing yet frightening process of self discovery. It's hard to imagine it now, but you will survive and if you take care of yourself and do the work, you'll come through having metamorphisized into a new, strong, independent person who knows who she is

FA

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you "Bill" and "FA" for your words of wisdom. I know that my H is having at least some form of EA with the "assistant" whether he sees it for what it is or not. My emotions seem to swing from one extreme to the other. One minute I feel strong and proud of myself for the steps I have taken, and the next minute I am in tears. I fantasize about him coming to me with big words of apology but then I swing between wanting to throw myself into his arms, or wanting to spit in his eye!

[hoosiermama]

Hi, Hoosiermama. Thank you for the reply and good advice. I know in my head that someday I'll look back and see this as a good thing. That I'll come out of it stronger and smarter, but patience has never been my strong suit.

By the way, are you by any chance from Indiana? My mom is from there and I have all kinds of extended family (aunts, uncles, cousin, etc....) who live there.

Yes, I am. Born and raised in South Bend, but in Indianapolis for the past 31 years.

You may not necessarily see this time as a good thing--but rather, what you become as a result will be the blessing that comes from the pain.

[MissH]

Tjg, your emotions are all normal. One of the reasons we call this journey a 'rollercoaster' is because the way we feel one day is not exactly the way we will feel the next. Just hang on as tight as you can!

You are getting excellent advice from everyone.