Last night My H and I got together for dinner at a fancy restaurant. It was very nice and we ate really well. Then he came over and stayed the night at my place until we left for work this morning.
Some days are great and he puts alot of effort into us, and other days he is distant and says sly remarks. I guess I have to just go with the flow and try not to let his moods effect me so much. I am trying to just be content with what I have and always smile and act as if. It is not always easy, but I am getting better at it - and I am learning that I can take my hurt and cry alone or with a friend to try and get through it.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to get him to chase me and want to be with me more often than off at the bars. TIPPER
I guess I am struggling with how to let my emotions out to him when I am hurt or feeling like he is not putting effort into us.
Last night, my H had a kiwanas club(town) meeting that got over at 8ish. I text him at 8:30 and said that I didnt go to volleyball and that I would be interested in watching a movie if he wants to come over.
H text back and said " it is not in the cards, he is going to the bar for a min (yeah right) and then he really wants to practice drumming.
I didnt snoop, but I just know that he was at the bar all night. He can not drum late at night due to the noise. Also, He drunk text me at 12:50 and said, "I LOVE YOU". That was when he probably left the bar to go back to his apartment.
URHG!!!! this is so repetetive, he is constantly choosing the bars over us being together.
I dont know what to do. Right now, he knows I dont like him going to the bars that much - but he keeps doing it. I am trying to act like it is no big deal, but I feel so hurt when he rejects me after all he has put me through this past year. I said, "ok, and that I will see him this weekend". He said it will be fun. I decided to text back with excitement about how great the weekend will be rather than explode at him for going out again.
O.k. so last night i thought my H was supposed to have a band practice at his place (the band scheduled it on mon.)but some how the plans changed.
I went to trivia as usual with a few friends. I decided that I was not going to do all the work in this M, and that I would not call him first.
Finally at 8:45ish he text me that he was just getting done with roofing for the day and that he was stopping at a pizza place for dinner. I text back, that I was at trivia. He said "he thinks he would rather stay in". I said "ok, i hope to see ya tommorow" (even though - I know he probably went out to the bars again). He text back and said "I hope so too, how about dinner?" I said sure.
So he is gonna come over tonight for dinner. We havent talked in person since tuesday night. Things will probably be awkward tonight becuase of my fears and emotions and sensitivity. I will do my best to be upbeat.
Saturday should also be interesting. My H is supposed to play in a gig at a all day block party in our town. Also, We were both invited to my friends (and H's old best friend for 20+ yrs that now they hardly talk to each other) surprise 30th b-day party.
Talk about being torn again. H's old best friend has so totally been there for me throughout this past year that H was gone and I wouldnt miss his party for anything. I also dont know what times my H's band will play at the block party, so I have to do a dance back and forth between the two. My H also has lead me to believe that he will stop in and visit at his old best friends b-day party - but we will see. I wont hold my breath. TIPPER
I have been following your threads for a bit. I think our ages and H's ages are similar. I will be 30 in exactly two weeks and my H is 32.
My H also spends a lot of time at the bars. You know I dont have any advise to give but I wanted you to know your not alone. Its hard and I dont understand it either. I do admire yur ability to GAL. I have four little ones so it makes it EXTREMELY hard. Right now I am having some resentment feelings because my H does not watch the kids so I have some time for myself. He says one thing although VERY rare, yet his actions say something completely different. He just comes over pretty much everyday to see the kids and me too. Then he goes of to work at night and then the bar after that.
I think that maybe your expectations are a bit high right now. I do the same thing. I see improvement then I get all excited and want more. That is usually about when he withdraws from me a bit again. Then I get hurt and my mind state gets to where I dont care, guess who walks in or calls? It happens to me over and over. Its like he has built in radar and knows the second where I am like "so what."
I also call and text. Shoot I don't get responses on a regular basis though! He will show up instead! Ofcourse I would rather SEE him but I dont understand why he does not just respond regularly, I dont contact him that much. Oh well. He does it to everyone, sisters, brothers, etc. Except he just wont talk to them at all at least he comes over to see me. He always mentions it too. "Did you call me?" Oh and if it was not me but one of the kids he gets real quiet.
As long as they are dealing with their internal emotions its hard to really expect anything from them.
Any advise on how to make him choose a healthy life as my H over the bar life would be great-but I know thier is no really good answer.
Hi Tipper.
I don't think you will.
His friends all go to bars and he plays drums there. Bars are a very big part of his life. They feel familiar and safe.
If I remember rightly 'family' was not a safe place to be when he was younger. I wonder if when he feels himself getting close to you and spending more time at home with you that it triggers the anxiety of 'family' closing him on him.
I see a similar thing with my H. he had a poor childhood. Bars and friends were his salvation. Relaxing, undemanding, and always there.
I just hope he wakes up and see what a good woman he has in you.
Nutty x
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Some days are great and he puts alot of effort into us, and other days he is distant and says sly remarks.
Does it feel like he is blowing hot and cold?
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
I dont think I have ever seen your name or threads here before. I cant thank you enough for following some of my threads. Sometimes I feel like not too many people here look at them, and I am always seeking advise and coming up empty handed often. So, again Thank You!!!
I agree with our similarities in our situations. I am going to be 30 on June 29th, and my H turned 29 in April. We have no kids, but lots of pets. My H drinks way too much ever since his banqruptcy in January '07.
I really hope we can get our life back on track. Things have been really rough lately. One big problem I have is that everytime I get mad/hurt/upset by him or his actions - he gets mad back at me and acts like we need to end our M. I know it is because he doesnt want to admit that he is in the wrong most of the time, but I always face a lose-lose situation.
I will try and find your threads sometime this summer over my break ( I am a teacher & have lots of spare time then). Thanks Again for the advise that I need to keep my expectations low right now. I know this is right. I know our M will not fix itself over night. I need more patience.
My husband has some of his clothes and things in an apartment 45 seconds, yes seconds, LOL, from the high school I work at. I am also a teacher and off for the summer.
I don't have a thread anymore. I used to but my darling hubby who does not use the computer much figured out I was online looking for help and he would come up behind me and look or get on after me so I had my few threads deleted. He would tell me "Oh I saw you were on the DB site." I just post now and again. I have been posting a bit more lately though. For awhile I didn't come at all because I was so overwhelmed with the stories I felt like I could feel what everyone else was going through. I spent that time learning about God's views on marriage and building my relationship with Him, learning how to pray scriptures and learning about Jesus.
Now I feel a lot stronger than I did and I do have my days but I am getting better at stopping those feelings and emotions.
I know what you mean about getting upset and then getting it flipped on you. You have to remove all the buttons that cause you to get upset with him. He can not be able to push any buttons. He knows you do not approve of the bars and nightlife. So it would be best for you to not mention it to him anymore. Instead take it to God. You know there were certain people around my hubby that I knew were negative for him and God moved them away from him. If your upset angry tell God about it. I have a prayer journal and I write letters to Jesus about what is going on instead.
Trust me the more you say nothing about his actions the more he going to wonder why you have not said anything. At first he may seem all happy about it but with time its going to bear down on him. He will think about it more and more. Make sure you keep praying for him. God will keep talking to him. I find mine will explain himself without me even asking.
I cant call us formally piecing since my hubby has not said anything about it. But he stays really close to the children and I. Its like a dance he gets really close then pulls back some, then gets really close again. My husband has distanced himself from his own family and friends but he keeps close to me and the kids. I cna tell he is battling this but he does not talk and wont reach out. Every now and again he talks to me a bit about it but its been awhile since he has done that.
He had not spewed on me for about 7 months at one point. i thought he was getting so much better. Then I found out that he was spewing on others instead. We did have one day though where we argued about two or three months ago, but since then nothing. Right now he just seems quiet and ever so slowly he is getting better. He smiles more and laughs a bit with me.
I know this is a crisis they are going through the less we push and force our wants on them then the more they can deal with their own problems and not have us to focus on as the cause. If they get no arguments or grief from us then they have to look elsewhere for the cause of their problems and that is when their healing takes place becaue soon they will realize their problems are not external but internal.
Nutty, Hey thanks for poppin in here. I always love what you have to say to me. You look at my situation from a different stand point than I can and it gives me a lot to think about usually.
I have felt for about 2-3 years now the hot & cold and I feel like maybe he is bipolar and it is just presenting itself now (I read before that it usually presents itself in the mid 20's).
I am certainly stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love & want to be with my H and He shows a lack of respect for me and our M. He is an alcoholic and I hate to be at the bars anymore (I've outgrown that). He flirts with other women and vice versa right in front of me and I have to deal with it, or when I say something it always gets turned back around that I am just too jealous.
I just cant win. I am happy when he & I are together and alone reconnecting. But there are far more times when there are others around and the issues come up.
My H has a great family life now that his dad is no longer drinking, but as a child he was hit a lot by his dad. So I agree that this is a result of his childhood, but his dad has become a good man over the years.
I know the bars are just relaxing to him, and he doesnt like to feel like he has to answer to anyone, but how can we be married when he wants to live like that.
This weekend I blew up at my H, as we were walking to one of the local restaurants after the Surprise party (he actually went). On our way, My H says to me " I better forwarn you that there is this girl that works there that likes me and flirts with me". That was where I lost it. I have been left by him for a stripper last year, and I dont need to be hearing about another girl that flirts with him at a place that he frequents. I turned around and walked away from him crying and saying why cant you be a good man.
Our night was ruined, he got mad at me for being hurt and showed no caring towards making me feel bad. He practically shoved me out of his place. Then the next day, I text him to see if he would still be up for coming over for dinner as we had planned and he said "sorry, I cant tonight". SO I got dissed again. Now I am at a loss I dont know what to do. Call him or not. Go to his last gig or not??? what should I do????
Luckily, God sent me a gift this weekend when I needed badly. My H's closest new buddy has gotten a real job that will require him being away traveling for 2-3 weeks at a time. So now I might get some quality time with my H without him being more concerned with his best buds plans. Also, this kid was in his band, so their band is going to play there last gig tonight as a bon-voyage to their guitarist.
I feel bad that my H finally got involved with a band and it made him happy, but now it is done. But I do feel happy that he will have more time to focus on us. Also this is one less excuse for him to use to go to the bars.
Dont contact him he will contact you. Let him deal with his feelings on his own.
I understand you got frustrated and upset, next time just suggest that maybe a different restaurant would be better, Just say it in a nice calm manner.
The flirting is just helping him feel better about himself temporarily. Its shallow. Just like the stripper thing.
WOW what a blessing that one of the buds was sent away. God can do anything, just ask Him and He will help you.
