Confused by H and OM...

[lost3031]

Okay, after a quick perusal of the topics posted on here, I am beginning to wonder if it is the right thing for me to post this, but I'm taking a chance because I need all the help (or whatever else you can throw at me) I can get.

I am a WAW, and yes, I am the one who is cheating. I hate to admit that, but it is the truth. The thing is, I was unhappy in my marriage. I basically was in it by myself for nearly 10 years while H worked his life away. I tried nagging, begging, threatening... all of it fell on deaf ears. I even told him, point blank, "You need to spend less time at work and more time at home, or you're going to lose me." Again - deaf ears.

My EA began over 3 years ago with a co-worker. We clicked instantly and our friendship grew. When we both admitted that our feelings went beyond friendship 4 months ago, he left his GF and I admitted all to H. Although H sees how his actions contributed to my unhappiness and the resulting EA, he basically threw his hands up and gave up on M. So I walked...

Fast forward to today. EA has now become PA and steady relationship, H and I are still on friendly terms, D has been initiated, but I cannot help but wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I still have love for H - I still consider him my best friend. We've spent half our lives together, have basically grown up together, and have always had each other to count on. We're both having a hard time letting go, so it makes me wonder if we're supposed to... or did we just give up too soon?

Right now I'm on emotional shutdown - I'm so tired of the pain and the tears and the not knowing what I should do or what I want to do. I care deeply for OM and he has been completely understanding/patient with me, my torment and confusion. He has done what H could never seemingly do - spend time with me (sounds simple, doesn't it?) It's all I ever asked of H and he couldn't do it.

Even though I am happy with OM, I still miss H - too much time and love invested, I guess. I still love H, although I'm struggling to figure out if I just miss my best friend or if I truly want to save M. Each day is a flip-flop of decisions - I want to go home and stop D, then I want to continue living my own life on my own terms and go through with D, and then back and forth.

I guess my question is, if there are others out there who are or who have been in my position, how do I sort through the tangle of emotions to figure out what I really want? How do you make the choice of whether to stay away or go back? And then how do you deal with the fact that, either way, two hearts get broken?