Too late for DB for us, #9 (was in separated)

[cw68]

Too late, #8, where it ended

Previous thread above.

I've moved to the Divorce forum because we are done and I am moving on. I still wish this wasn't happening, but I've accepted that it is. H is done. He is not coming back. I miss our old life, the one we wanted, but I don't miss the relationship we actually ended up having.

I want to be happy, I want to be valued, I want to matter. Now is where I jump into the unknown (frightened out of my mind) and become who I was meant to be. My children need a strong, moral and just parent. Hopefully my H can step up and make this the lowest point of his parenting career. I can only hope. But I know I can be there for them, a good guide, a symbol of what to do when life brings you adversity.

I have to be all about the power of self right now. When I was young, I made all the "wrong" decisions. Then in my late 20s/most of my 30s I made all the "right" decisions. Now that I'm approaching 40, I'm going to find the right balance between the two.

It's all about me now! Well, that's not true, it's all about me and my kids now.

(I'm really not as strong as I sound, I'm just going to fake it till I make it!)

[BethM]

WELCOME cw!

Oh I bet you're a heck of a lot stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. The good thing about this forum is that you will no longer be in limbo and everyone here knows how tough it is making that transition. At least now you know that you have to move on and remake your life into whatever you want it to be, and your choices are endless. Everyone here is great and really supportive. Besides that, we even have a few laughs.

So, over here we have a tradition of the first poster getting a drink of their choice.....I'll take a cosmo please.

Good Luck!

Love,
Bethie

[cw68]

Thanks for the welcome, BethM. I love your quote.

Yep, I'm trying to grab on to the positives of the situation. The rest of my life starts now. Well, I actually said that last month, but you can get my drift.

btw, I grew up in Illinois, just outside of Chicago.

[cat03]

welcome)))))))))))))

I'm 3 mths post mess, and by God's grace I'm doing well, of course it will take me/you quite a few months to reshuffle our cards and remake our paths, but we can have a much better life than before.

A great book that helps me get the neg. thoughts out of my head and helps me concentrate in constructive thinking is "Healed without scars". Your thoughts will make you or break you, it is overwhelming, all the stuff we can brood about, what was or could've been. Its hard, but we can retrain our minds to point towards more positive thoughts.
Yes, our children need us and we deserve to be whole and happy. When the urge comes when you want to bawl, call a friend, it has always helped me, to have someone on the other line to just listen, and afterwards I felt much MUCH better (and the urges to cry hard have been diminishing month after month, it's been a while since I've had a good cry).

You are in good company, my prayers for you today))))

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((cw))))))

You can run, but you can't hide!

I'm still cheering for YOU!

[newnamenewlife]

Hi CW--I'm right behind you, sister, as I have been all along. Should I move to the Separated forum now that H is truly about to move out and we have told the kids? Or stay on midlife crisis (which seems so much what H is in)?

I guess what I'm really asking is do most people on this BB follow certain people or stay on specific boards. I look at "active topics," and scroll until I find my "people" no matter what forum they're on.

[cw68]

I don't know what people do, this just seemed to be the right move for me. Trying to move everything forward I guess and move on.

[newnamenewlife]

I agree that it's a way of accepting reality by moving to forums that address the issues of the moment. Maybe I'll take the plunge and move to Separated.

I know you've been S for a while and I don't know what the division of labor was in your M, but I'm curious to hear how you handled that aspect. My H has been checked out emotionally for a long time, but still sharing lots of tasks with me--bedtime, bathtime, making dinner, cleaning up dinner, grabbing stuff we need on the way home, etc. My H will have the kids 3 days per week, so I guess that will reduce my load somewhat.

[shoeprincess]

Hi there. You sound really strong. good for you! I will have been divorced a year in August and I have learned to just take one day at a time. no more no less.

[cw68]

I think I usually sound stronger than I am, but it's how I want to be. I have to tell myself what it is that I want and then go get it. And now I am taking everyday as it is and embracing everything that comes my way; good and bad. No more autopilot for me. The good things of my life will never be taken for granted again.

The division of labor. Hmm. When we shared the house, I asked him step up and do more than he did when we were together. I wanted him to get a feeling of what running a household with kids and without me would be like, but it really didn't happen. Since Mother's Day, I've been taking care of the whole shebang by myself and I hate it. So the plan is me moving out Aug 1st into a rental when his lease is up and he'll come back to the house as it goes on the market until it sells.

My H was pretty helpful around the house. His absence showed. However, at the same time the amount of laundry I did drastically diminished. H wore three outfits most days. One casual outfit to work (sometimes even shorts), but he'd still change when he came home, I think to shed the work day. Then he's put on something else casual. In addition to this, he worked out almost everyday. The guy sweats like there's no tomorrow, so anytime he did anything in the yard or anything physically, he'd be soaked. So it'd go into the laundry. BIG difference in that with him gone.