Lost, I went back & read more of your sitch from earlier last week. I can fully understand the need for someone to understand and 'get you'. I hear that is what the OM does for you and why the relationship, for both of you is creating a deeper attachment.
I can relate to a H who is a work-aholic, mine is too. The lonliness is devestating to ones ego & draining to the emotional bucket.
What if I told you that this 'working extreme hours' is how your H has shown you how much he loves you? Would that change how you view his actions? Instead of him running away to work because he doesn't love you, you see his going to work each day & stays long hours because he loves you beyond compare & wants more than anything to make you happy & the only way he knows of (for what ever reason) and is good at, is to work & provide.
I suggest 3 things:
1- Cool it with the OM & by that I mean no intimate talks about feelings, thoughts, etc you wouldn't have with other co-workers. Explain to him why you need to do this. To develop your own sense of emotional maturity & decision making.
2- Buy & read the following books: DB, Keeping Love Alive, the 5 love languages, & the relationship cure.
3- GET THEE INTO COUNSELING!! I would highly recommend finding a counselor who you can share these intimate feelings & thoughts with, who can provides an impartial viewpoint. Neither H or OM, despite their best intentions, can do that for you. Do individual counseling first and then if you are ready & H is ready, at minimum do divorce counseling and hopefully, marriage counseling.
I don't agree that you should return home to do these things. Women, like us who went right from Mom & Dad to marriage, struggle to find our own emotional identity. Space helps us with that.
If your H is not willing to make changes, other than to work less, without working through with you, why it hurts you for him to do that or why he works so much, it seems like a mute point to move back to him. but ultimately that decision is up to you. I left because my sitch was becoming physically dangerous for me to stay.
Make it clear to your H that you are conflicted about the D. My counselor told me & I have heard on this board more than once. If you are unsure of a decision, than be ok with your indecision, tel him of that, and wait until you can be sure of it.
If YOU are not convinced that a D is the right thing to do for you at this point, then don't do it. But getting involved with someone else emotionally will give you all the wrong reasons to leave the marriage.
Just a side thought, don't you think if you leave your H for an OM, that it is just matter of time before your OM begins to wonder when you are going to trade him in for a better model??
remember to breath, take it one moment at a time, & that you can only change you.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
