No reason for you to be jealous - I'm in my own little world of h*ll, it's just a different flavour. I used to be such an optimist, but now, not so much.
The trouble w/ my sitch is that my H never really acted like an alien - he was very deceptive, and knew how to make me believe his lies, with just enough sincerity and kindness, that I kept getting sucked in over and over. Ugh, when I think about it it makes me very angry. But I think part of it was my own fault, for ignoring my "spider senses", which I KNOW i did out of fear - I was afraid of the truth, afraid that once cornered, H would choose OW. I had to find the strength to say to myself that living w/out H would be better than the roller coaster. I had to make myself believe that I would be just fine w/out him. And once I did, I knew in my heart what was really going on, that he was still seeing OW. And so I took control of what I could, I grabbed the steering wheel of my life and decided what I believed I am worth. If H didn't see what he was losing, then he didn't deserve me. I had to be sure that I would not cave if my H couldn't fulfill my conditions, and I know I won't, so H knows I'm gone & he loses everything if he screws up this time. And that happens, I'll walk away knowing I did all I could.
Tipper, I still don't know for sure. I still wonder, I still doubt, I still take everything H says to me and I dissect it looking for discrepancies, lies, tricks. It will be a long, long time b/f that's gone, b/f I don't wonder anymore. That is my own piece of h*ll, but it's a h*ll I've chosen and one I can deal w/ b/c I know the way out, and will take it if I have to. For the first time since all of this happened, I'm not afraid. And that is the most amazing feeling of all...
Tipper, you have so much in your life, your art, your friends, your other activities, I can't help but think that you could detach more and let your H spin his wheels some more. I think I see in your M a similar pattern of pursuer/distancer that I had in mine. You pursue your H and he withdraws. The minute you withdraw, he pursues you. When he starts to pursue, you go back to pursuing & then he withdraws. And I think they instinctively know how to use our own fears against us.
Take care of yourself, keep GALing and detaching. I think staying somewhat detached is also a necessary thing in piecing, so I'm really glad I was able to finally get the hang of it.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
