He left then Cheat 2

[Hope4us]

Thanks for sharing this BH.

I see my WW in that letter. She's said to me that "I've discovered who I really am and will not change for anyone". I just asked her "who asked you to change other than ending your affair"?

I think that letter hit it right on the head, especially for WAS's who have been married for a long time and were in a generally happy marriage. The affair lets them be all the things they aren't. That's why once the fantasy wears off it most times ends. They aren't "in love" with the OP, they're "in love" with how the OP makes them feel.

I also think that's why exposure of the affair can have such a significant affect on the affair. If the spouse is having those feelings like were described, when reality hits them between the eyes it's sometimes enough to show the fantasy for what it is. To have your kids, parents, the OP's spouse, your best friends, all looking at you it has a way of causing enough internal conflict that it ends the affair.

Just my .02

[Hope4us]

Thanks for sharing this BH.

I see my WW in that letter. She's said to me that "I've discovered who I really am and will not change for anyone". I just asked her "who asked you to change other than ending your affair"?

I think that letter hit it right on the head, especially for WAS's who have been married for a long time and were in a generally happy marriage. The affair lets them be all the things they aren't. That's why once the fantasy wears off it most times ends. They aren't "in love" with the OP, they're "in love" with how the OP makes them feel.

I also think that's why exposure of the affair can have such a significant affect on the affair. If the spouse is having those feelings like were described, when reality hits them between the eyes it's sometimes enough to show the fantasy for what it is. To have your kids, parents, the OP's spouse, your best friends, all looking at you it has a way of causing enough internal conflict that it ends the affair.

Just my .02

[No Longer BH]

I just received an email from my H saying that he wanted to move forward with mediation to get a legal seperation. In the state I live in (MO) he can take that doc anytime after 90 days and have it turned into a final D. That is his decision and I am not going to fight him on it. I does make me feel sad that this is the journey he has decided to take, one that is running away from his fears instead of tackling them head on.

After I recieved the email (classy way to deliver the news) I called him and told him that I just wanted him to be happy and if this is what he wanted then I would go along with it. I asked him how serious his relationship was with the other woman. Here is the really sad part....he said that he has seen her only a few times over the months. Yes, it has been physical but he has no interest in persuing a relationship with anyone (including me). He is working on himself only. That is the focus of his journey. I had to wonder if SHE knew that he felt this way. I can not believe how far he has fallen, to toy with peoples emotions the way he is without regaurd to the pain he is causing. Again, the only sliver of hope that I have is that he is in IC and looks forward to his weekly sessions. I hope one day he will see his way through the fog.

It really is scary that this possibly could end in a D, but its not over until I decide that it is over for me.

[karen43]

I just received an email from my H saying that he wanted to move forward with mediation to get a legal seperation.
After I recieved the email (classy way to deliver the news) I called him and told him that I just wanted him to be happy and if this is what he wanted then I would go along with it. I asked him how serious his relationship was with the other woman. Here is the really sad part....he said that he has seen her only a few times over the months. Yes, it has been physical but he has no interest in persuing a relationship with anyone (including me). He is working on himself only. That is the focus of his journey. I had to wonder if SHE knew that he felt this way. I can not believe how far he has fallen, to toy with peoples emotions the way he is without regaurd to the pain he is causing. Again, the only sliver of hope that I have is that he is in IC and looks forward to his weekly sessions. I hope one day he will see his way through the fog.

It really is scary that this possibly could end in a D, but its not over until I decide that it is over for me.

I'm so sorry to hear your news today BH!!! (((((BH)))))

Well if you think your H has no class delivering the news by email, I think my H is worse (not telling me at all). He does sound very MLC or confused; I think my H is also, yes involved with an OW, but also just wanting to be single and have less (hardly any) responsibility and maybe your H is like that too?

I think you're right in that your H has to work this out himself and if he decides he can't be involved with anyone, then what can you do? I guess just focus on trying to make yourself as strong and healthy as possible so you will be ready for whatever happens. I think it is good he's seeing an IC..Do you think they are any good or helping him? Karen

[No Longer BH]

In a strange way I am kinda of looking at this as a positive. First, the fact that he does not see OW as a relationship is good. I have been tracking some things on him the last couple of weeks and it really does look like he has not seen her during this time. Second, that he is wanting to work on himself is also good. I figure that with his T help he will come to a happier place and see that I was not the evil nagging wife that he felt I was in the end. Third, as scary as the LS is, it will get things in a more structured way so H does not see me as controlling everything and therefore might let go of some of the resentment he is carrying right now.

I just got back from my T and she said that it seems that I am detaching from him. Instead of being angry or hurt, now I just feel sorry for him. She said that I am getting closer to the acceptance stage of this. I think hearing that the OW really was not a "love" relationship helped me tremendously. All this time I have been picturing them together having a wonderful time, when in fact he is just using her every now and then. Very sad on both of their parts.

[karen43]

In a strange way I am kinda of looking at this as a positive.

Great attitude! I try to do this too (it's hard sometimes), but I think there are always positives, and it's good to focus on them instead of the negatives.

I just got back from my T and she said that it seems that I am detaching from him. Instead of being angry or hurt, now I just feel sorry for him. She said that I am getting closer to the acceptance stage of this.

That sounds really good, too--but please don't feel too sorry for him!!! I don't think any of these affairs are really "love", more like chemicals I think...Karen

[No Longer BH]

I hate this roller coaster ride we are on. Yesterday I was strong and positive depite the news. Today I am a sad mess. I miss him so much and dont understand why he will not chose his family. Sometimes I feel that I am doing it all wrong an that he is never going to come back. I know I have to let him go through his stuff, but I hate that he blames me for it. So many times I have read that the only way that we have a chance for them to come home is if they get to work through the baggage that was there before we were. But what if he still can not see that we were great together. I dont want to even invision my life without him! I am a very strong person and this has brought me to my knees. I want to take it as a sign that he is still lost because he is avoiding issues with me and my son, not as a sign that he is done. Here is an email he sent me yesterday. It is in responce to me asking him to take some time to find himself and then let us check back in 6 months later and see if we would be willing to try and work on a rec. I just wish I could find hope from it:

BH,

I realized that I did not give you an answer to your question of separating but checking in in 6 months.

I want to give this question the greatest respect and let you know that I was not avoiding an answer.

I feel I need to think about what you are asking and what it means to me, how I feel, and even talk with IC about things for myself before I can give you an honest answer.

I will not dismiss this question but it may be a bit before I can come back to you on it.

WAH

Here is the thing about this responce, if you read my last thread yo saw he has given me a similar email but has never followed through with an answer. He still can not or will not tell me why he has left in the first place, what it was that I did that made him want to leave. That just makes me believe it wasnt me, he is broke but has not dealt with it yet. Im thinking he cant say "NO REC" yet because deep down he is still is in love with me, even though he does not want to admit it. After all, in his mind I am the cause of all of this pain, so how could he want to come back to this. I'm just hoping the IC will help him to see that I was not the cause of all of his pain and in fact we did have a pretty good M. Im am sorry for the rambling, I am just feeling sad today and wanted a little pick me up.

[Hope4us]

I'll do my best to pick you up. I think I've learned that even the walk away/wayward most times can't tell you "why" because they probably don't know themselves.

I think you should go re-read what you quoted from the other thread. I know I've read it a number of times and it helps me see that this is not about me in anyway, but about the screwed up life they are living. And as bad as we want to, we can't change them or get them to see what a mistake they're making. They have to come to that conclusion themselves. The sad part is, a lot of times when they come to the realization that they F'd up, the LBS no longer cares.....

Keep your chin up. It will get better, one way or another. I'm thinking about you.