Wife Filed And I Need Help With Busting ASAP

[Scott123]

We have not been communicating for a while. Well, actually since
the setback I had she shut me right out. Hardly any talk at all
and what little talk is R talk and then it just gets into anger.
But right before that we were getting along fantastic.

She is being this way to her sister and family too. I was just
talking to her sister early today and we were talking about
the situation and the change in my wife. She has been mean to
her sister and just miserable. She basically said there are
two sides to every story/relationship and my wife is trying
to block my side out.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO HERE?!

I took some time off of work so that I could move and just focus
on some stuff. I have been keeping a journal of what is working
and whats not and I am trying to fill it with stuff from the
past that I know worked. And that leads me to this...

I noticed my wife has bought some new clothes and shoes. She
is a shoe nut. She had a bunch of extra money recently so
she spent some of it on herself (and way to much elsewhere
which I'll get to in a bit)

I have been writing some ideas down on things that I might want
to try. Just little things to test out and see the response.

Well, my wife likes to be dominated, handled a bit rough
and talked dirty too in regards to sex. In the past even
if she was mad she would come around if we started
getting sexual. We have a very close sexual bond and i know
its killing her to not be sexual right now.

There will be a few times before I leave that we will be alone
away from the kids. When she gets ready to go out I was going
to tell her something like this:

"Wow, you look really hot in those new shoes. mmmm I really want
to bang the sh*t out of you right now."

Now you have to understand that she likes that kind of talk.

Do you think I should try it? I don't want or expect to have
sex with her, I just want to make her feel hot because its
obvious to me she feels neglected in that area. She absolutely
loves that kind of talk.

I'm wondering if this would be a backslide though because
of her current anger/emotions.

I honestly think that she moved out of our bedroom because she
would be too tempted to have sex and if she had sex she would
move close to me again. When she drinks she really gets horny and
I noticed right when she decided to stay out of our room was
when she was going out a bit more. Note - She goes out with her
sister and the friend I mentioned before. I am really close to
both of them plus there's other friends of ours where they go.
I know with 100% certainty that she does not cheat when she goes
out with them. If there is OM it is text, phone and Internet
most likely.

One last thing that is probably causing a tremendous amount of
stress and guilt on her part. She has a gambling problem. It
has really gotten bad this past month. The bank statement came
and I saw a whole slew of transactions at the casinos. Several
times a day all through the end of may and all of june. She
has been going there a lot and lying about it. She told my friend
and her sister that she only went 3 or 4 times when in reality it
was more like 25 times and spent a substantial amount of money.

I've confronted her in the past (months ago) and she gets really
nasty and defensive and she'll immediately bring up stuff in the
past about me instead of what I confront her about. This most
recent time I did not confront her. Our friends and family know
about it and we are still trying to figure out how we can help
her. We've agreed that if I say anything to her it's just going
to make our problems worse. This is really hard. She has been
neglecting the kids, not rally cooking, buying all fast food
etc.

I know that lot of her anger has to be because of that guilt
and the lies she is keeping up. Even the kids are starting to
suspect something. She always says she is going to the store,
but does not come home with bags or only comes home with
a couple of things she grabbed quick on the way back. I've written
down dates and compared them to the bank statement and it coincides
perfectly. She has gone with her sister sometimes, but her sister
said lately she did not want to go with her because she was spending
too much money and wanted to go too often. My wife would then snap
at her and get mad. Her mood is great when she is "going to gamble"
and it immediately changes into hostility to everyone around her
when shes not or cant go.

This sitch is so Fckd up I don't know what to do. I love this
woman more than anything in the world and I feel really helpless
and lost here.

My sister in law said that maybe she needs to hit rock bottom
before she wakes up. I really would hate to see that happen to
her. She's spent a lot of her income tax at the casino, which
is why there are so many transactions this month. She had all
that extra money to blow through.

My one daughter has a disability and she is going to a special
camp next month. We were supposed to go with her, but it got
way to expensive. It's 1k per person just for the air fair, not
to mention hotels, car, food, entertainment etc. Anyway, we
decided a while ago that just her and my wife would go and they
could use a bunch of the savings we had. Then all this happened
and during one of her rants the other day she screamed at me
saying "I cant even go on vacation with my daughter because of
you." Because we split the income tax, which was her decision
to begin with. In reality she does not have enough to go because
of all the money she spent at the casinos.

MOVING

Part of me thinks moving out is the right thing to do because
of how well it worked in the past and because it will give
her space. However, part of my thinks it's a mistake because
it might give her more of an opportunity to seek out OM.

I could make an excuse that i have to wait to move and ask
her to move in our bedroom and I'll fix up another bedroom,
but I think that will just make her hostile.

Sister in law and friend basically validated both points.

Today I have no clue what to do.

I could really use some advice.

- Scott

[sgctxok]

Hi Scott,

There is no one right answer, so I want you to understand that and not second guess yourself when you make a decisions.

Whichever thing you try, whether it's moving out or changing the bedroom thing, it is neither the absolute right or wrong thing to do. The only thing that is really wrong is being mean.

If you feel you have more potential to work with moving out, you can try it. My vote for you staying has to do with your daughter as well.

I think you should try the sex thing. Again, it might help, I don't see how it could hurt in your situation.

If you want more folks to see your situation, post a link to it on MLC/Piecing/We're Separated and just ask for the power DBers to help you out, even if your situation does not exactly fit the topic of the forum.

have a great day

[kml]

Get some legal advice, NOW, before your wife's gambling problem bankrupts you. You need to protect yourself legally against her financial problems. This is escalating out of control.

Just as you expected your W to take better care of you during your manic episodes, you may need to see this as you taking care of her during her gambling addiction. One important way to take care of her is to NOT BE ENABLING! If she can't afford to live separated but is gambling away hundreds of dollars a month - she's in trouble.

Talk to an attorney before you move out of the house - even though it was given to her, you may have some claim to part of it, depending on the circumstances, and moving out may hurt that claim. If there's no legal repercussions, then find a way to move out - you being there in her face is a form of pursuing, she does need space.

BUT - when you move out, you only give her what money she would normally be entitled to in a divorce - nothing more. She needs the reality check of what it will cost to live as a divorced mother of two, and needs to discover that her gambling habit cannot continue.

Cancel any joint credit cards, btw. She could bankrupt you in no time if you're not careful. Get legal advice on this pronto.

Validate that it was awful for her to live through your manic episodes. She may simply not be strong enough to bear any more pain - who knows. Right now she's messed up and suffering from her own mental problems.

And don't you dare move away from your kids. She was right on that one. They need you in their life, they do NOT need you to be living in another state. Fight for a fair share of visitation.

Ellie

[kml]

PS -
Did you test positive for any of the gluten antibodies? GI guys cling to a strict definition - you must be positive for anti-ttg or anti-emsa and have a positive intestinal biopsy. But I see patients all the time who have lesser degrees of antibodies - like, only positive for anti-gliadin IgG or IgA - who respond fabulously to a gluten-free diet and are very symptomatic when gluten is re-introduced. So it's often just a matter of semantics, who has celiac disease and who is gluten-sensitive.

Either way, you daughters should be tested as the tendency is hereditary.

N-acetyl cysteine, btw, has been studied and seems to be effective for about 2/3 of compulsive gamblers. Of course, your W would have to admit she has a problem first. (She didn't by any chance has gastric bypass surgery or start any prescription medications, did she? Sometimes these can set off compulsive gambling. More likely, her stress and depression have just made her susceptible to the dopamine "high" of gambling).

Ellie

[sgctxok]

Klm,

On a separate note, you are a very educated woman, and you care a lot about folks on the board, and you see a lot in real life.

We have one purpose, one singular purpose on the board and that is to save marriages. And I know you care about that too.

Sometimes we offer advice to someone to protect themselves legally. It can also destroy their marriage if followed to the letter of the advice given. Your advice is especially 'weighted' since you are a doctor. So please be careful in this regard. If I feel the advice I'm giving someone could be contradictory to DBing or detrimental to their marriage (which is our 'patient' here, not the person themselves), I add a disclaimer, THIS IS NOT DB ADVICE, and sometimes add, that this is my personal experience. You may want to do something simlar.

Thanks,

peace and all good,
sg

[Scott123]

Thanks guys,

I have myself protected legally already and I will be giving
the tough love deal when it comes to money. I will not give
her cash, but I will buy whatever the girls need and
help with various bills etc.

I actually flirted a tiny bit a little while ago just to
test the waters and she responded positively. I told her
she looked really hot in her new shoes and she stopped to
show them to me and smiled and said "oh these, I've had
them for a while" she was modeling them a bit so to speak
lifting up on her toes and showing me them.

I'll now try and send her a short flirty text and see if she
responds to that then I'm crashing... I'm beat. Even if
she wants to have sex I will not.

However, I think she went to the casino again tonight.

I'm still going to move out in a couple of days because I know
she needs space. As well as to show her how hard she is going
to have it with me not around. I have no intention on leaving
my kids and I will be spending lots of time with them. It's me
spending time with them mostly now anyway. she is the one
neglecting them. She was just bitching at them a little while
ago about how they are treating her. They are acting out
against her because of the way she is neglecting them. I did not
say anything to her I just told the girls on the side to try
and be nice even if moms upset because she has a lot on her mind.

My sister in law and our friends are trying to figure out how
to help her with the gambling. Note: I'm not bitter with her
about it I'm actually very concerned and I know how the addiction
works. her aunt had it bad and even lost her house over it so
I know full well how bad it can be. I just wish I could
help her.

As far as gluten intolerance. Well after being on a strict
hypo diet for a while I reintroduced wheat and had a bad
reaction. I got a rash all over my body and I crashed for
12 to 16 hours. I did it on two separate occasions with
the same results.

- Scott

[Bworl]

Scott,

Wow. What you all have been through is something else. I'm glad that you can understand why your wife is practically terrified of having you around. That understanding is very important for you in order to do what you need to do.


I was going to ask about what kind of right you had to the house myself. Is this marital property? If so, you may do some checking with a L before moving out, just to make sure you're not giving up some hold there.


That being said, you need to be apart from this woman. Or, more specifically, she needs to be apart from you.


These things build up over time. Wounds last longer than we would like. Your wife is afraid of another outburst, and rightfully so with what you've shared. At this point the medical information cannot even be considered by her, she wants you out that bad.


No DB'ing will be very effective until you do something to get her out of this agitated state.


So she's filed. That doesn't mean the divorce happens tomorrow. And you can drag your feet as long as you like on responding to issues there, allowing yourself time to let the separation help.


More later. But I feel very strongly that some type of separation must occur soon. Her behavior now is far beyond her behavior in the past. Stay together and things might come to a head.


Blessings,

Bill

[Virtually_Handsome]

Oh, boy.

I saw sg's call out, and came over for a look. I have to admit, I didn't read every word!

I agree with Bill, though. I think there will have to be a separation of some sort. She is going to have to get away from you before she can see that you are not the cause of everything bad in her life. She is going to have to see you healthy for a LONG time. She's seen it before. I know, you are being treated differently this time, but from her point of view, that's what you thought the last time. From this standpoint, I would try to remember that her anger isn't directed so much at you, but at those behaviors that in the past you have been unable to control. And that you acknowledge were pretty terrible. That's where her anger is directed, and it seems pretty understandable.

From your side, I think you are going to need to see that she does stop the excessive gambling. And gets through the restlessness she seems to be going through. I kind of think that she is having a bit of a midlife crisis, quite possibly triggered to some degree by the problems you have had between you.

I think you both need a timeout, whatever it takes to get there.

Good luck. Don't try to rush anything!

[Scott123]

I was reading a thread and "puppy" made a lot of good points here about confronting W about affair: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1485289&page=3&fpart=1

Do you think I should confront my w about this OM that I'm
pretty sure is giving her emotional support.

When she admitted it a while ago I told her I forgave her and
knew why she did it because of neglect etc. We never really
talked much more about it, she said that she cut all communication
off with him.

Now, since this last setback of mine I think that she is back
talking to him. I don;t think they are a physical relationship,
but still whether it;s emotional or physical its still wrong.

Should I confront her before I leave about this? What do you
think I should say to her. I cannot prove she is talking
to this guy, but all the signs are there, she gets dolled
up when she goes out, she texts a lot on her cell phone
and when I come in the room she gets uncomfortable and
puts the phone away. She has become distant to me and she
has become distant to her friends/sister and has a lot of
mood swings like she is carrying a lot of guilt around. I
know there is guilt from the casino too, but there's more.

I feel I need to say something to her about this, but
I'm wondering if I do if it will just push her far
away, get her mad etc.

Any advice here?

[Scott123]

I'm going to be leaving in the next two days depending on
how fast I can move the rest of my stuff out.

I'm wondering if I should not only confront her about
the above comments I posted in my last post, but also
what I else i should say to her before I leave.

I was thinking of telling her how I felt the OM situation
was totally unacceptable to me as well as our daughter, it
violated our trust and caused a huge rift in our relationship.
It would be impossible to heal our friendship if it continued.

I also wanted to tell her that if she needs to talk to me or
needs someone to listen to or lean on I will be there for her
as a friend.

I just want to leave on a good note.

I wont say anything about the gambling because I know she will
just take that as an attack and I know that is a serious problem
that she needs help with. The rest of our family is discussing it
and trying to figure out how we can all help her, but have agreed
that I need to keep out of it for now due to the other stuff
going on with our relationship.

My sister as well as other family said that maybe she needs to
really hit bottom not only with the gambling, but also with
our relationship before she wakes up to what she is doing?
I feel so bad and sad for her because I don't want to see that
happen to her.

Man it's rough seeing her like this.

- Scott