Here I am writing to you instead of doing work, even after I got up early specifically to get things done. But what you said gave me pause.
In many ways I can imagine what you've written being written by my W. Our sitch is different in some very important ways: W & I get along well but I'd been depressed and withdrawn, she's strongly independent and focused on herself, and she'd become physically and then emotionally involved with someone playing a major part not only in her thesis work, but in the narrow field in which she wants to work.
But I think we also needed 6 months for the emotional upheaval to subside (though she didn't like being in limbo so started D). She also has been working on research with renewed vengeance, to the detriment of most other things. I imagine she sees my changes - she's definitely expressed interest in what I'm doing - but doesn't seem to want to try and balance things any more.
We've also changed, but I don't know if we've changed a great deal. I think we needed to be patient enough to ride out the bad times in order to reconnect and realize the things we DO share - though this is the door she won't open because I think it's the one that subconsciously scares her the most. I think she knows we'd probably reconnect and I don't think she wants anyone depending on her right now for attention or to balance her diss. work with the compromises needed in a relationship.
She definitely is still happy with the thought of being D. She'd say she's not ready to be in a R with anyone, that she's happy focusing on her own career and being with friends. When she tells me that, it does hurt - mainly because I think there should be an opportunity to reconnect. And I think she'd wholeheartedly agree that she doesn't want to put energy into things because that would mean less time for diss. This is also frustrating to me - extremely frustrating - and I've seen it happen to others.
The grad school experience is intense but it's still hard for me to see people put their degree work so far above their relationships. So as you predicted, I'd say it's selfish to focus on diss.
That said, I've seen many similar sitches play out and I know why people make the choices they do. A diss., after all, is important in many careers. And there really is no good way to handle the intense drain on your energy - maybe people need to make sure their R is in great shape before starting the process in order to make it through to the other side. I don't know.
My parents separated for 2 years while my step-mom went through counseling and tried to re-find what she needed in life (along with the energy to do what she needed to do). My dad showed patience and support throughout that time. I asked my W if she'd be willing to wait on D so I could show similar support and she wouldn't. It seems like you would/are. It sounds like it's up in the air whether your H is showing the patience and support that is needed.
So, it isn't fair to compare our sitches, but like I said, you gave me pause. Your words make me see parts of my sitch in a new way, though it still leads to frustration that I never got a chance.
Anyway, didn't mean to hijack your thread with my sitch but thanks for listening. Hope your day is good. And on those days when you're frustrated with your prof, just be glad you aren't my uncle. When he did his diss in science education, he was required to have 2 advisors - one in science and one in education. They refused to meet with each other and kept asking for changes contrary to what the other was wanting. Needless to say, it was a nightmare!
