Hi Spitty! Great to hear from you! And while I don't like it that you have the same struggles I do - sure wish we ALL could have it easy! - it's good to know I am not the only one feeling this way about a new relationship.
Had ANOTHER talk last night with BF. It seems to be where we can't enjoy any time together. He wants to talk it out every time we see each other. While I understand the importance of communication - I know my marriage would have been better had my XH talked to me before he looked toward OW - I really just wanted to have a nice dinner and relax.
He feels neglected (I know) and feels like we are pulling apart (I am pulling back because he is moving forward faster than I am comfortable with). He says that he understands my time constraints and knows it is important that most of my energy goes to the kids and finding a job...but understanding it doesn't make it easy to deal with. He kept asking several times "are you in this with me?" and my response was that I am in the relationship, but not to the same extent that he is - what else could I say? He is further along than I am ready to go. I am not looking for anyone else, and if this doesn't work out, I may not date again for a LONG time. But I am not at the point where I am sure I want to try and balance everything out to make this relationship a more permanent and steady part of my life - trying to integrate our kids, spending most evenings together, doing things like grocery shopping and working on my house together. That is what he is ready to do, and even though he says he understands and can be patient, in reality, it is hard for him to be patient when he wants more.
A few weeks ago, I was on vacation with the kids, and when we got home, he assumed I would rush over to see him, since I had been gone 5 days. I just wanted to settle in, get the laundry started, and relax after a great time with my kids. In my mind, I would see him within the next few days and that was fine with me. He was hurt.
He sent me a song on the computer, attached to an email. It was from a concert we had gone to. I listened to it, smiled, and appreciated it, but then got busy and didn't respond until I spoke to him the next day. He was hurt, and said it had been a very special song to him and the fact that I hadn't responded to it (in the way he thought I would) upset him.
So we go in circles. I think last night finally ended in some understanding, but we've done this before and the pattern repeats within a few weeks. So we'll see...he is a very good man, loving, caring, and crazy about me. But this may be a case of when either the person or the timing is just not quite "right", and that is sad. Also hard for me to hurt someone...I just don't like doing that, but I know I can't continue to tread along making myself crazy. The last thing I need right now in my life is one more person to juggle things in order to keep him happy!
I haven't heard from the interview...so I will go to my crummy barely-over-minimum-wage job today, and when I get home tonight prepare another ten resume packets to send out tomorrow. Sigh. Pray something comes up for me...somehow, agreeing to three years of alimony seemed like enough time to get on my feet - three years ago. Now I've been told by several attorneys I should never have settled for less than five years for a 15 yr marriage...where were they three years ago??!!
Oh well, I just keep praying for the right job to come along. Things can turn around in a single day. God knows my needs and He knows my heart - I was trying to keep the peace.
