Holding Pattern

[JWS]

why would it post twice, thats strange anyway to delete one??

[JWS]

i think that i am being an idiot. every successful person on this forum talks about becoming friends first. i just spent two incredible weekends with my best friend. my wife was not there and i had a few little slips, but bottom line is that even if things don't go my way we made great memories as friends.

i keep looking at her and want for it to be as it was, but as it was was not working either so it needs to be better, much better. and to start that we need to start over. that is what we have been doing and i just need to see that and stop getting in the way because the plan is falling place in front of me.

i learned to handle her absence, and now i just need to handle being around her as friends as well. i am confident that as she goes off to law school next weekend i am leaving her with memories of the man that i know that i am, and that she fell in love with, because i am being the best version of myself and i like it.

[JCJ]

Firstly, Happy Birthday!! Hope you managed to have a good day.

I think it sounds like you are making great headway in being her friend. It is great that you are happy and confident in your behaviour and I am sure that is something that she will take with her.

[JWS]

thanks, things did not end all that well today. i am so tired of being blamed for her entire life. she again told me that there was no way she is comming home and that i have been controling and beating her down for 12 years. the only reason we dated in college or got married was apathy. any good time we ever had was a fun event dispite me being there, and if i am such a great guy now i should go be a great guy for some one else. i know not to listen to that kind of crap but it really hurt and really got to me. i feel my heart closing to her even though i don't want to. i am so confused and hurt and lost myself. i know i can be ok but i am starting to feel i can only be happy by leaving her behind. that makes me sad :o(

[JCJ]

JWS

I'm really sorry to hear that. It must have been really hard to hear those things and it is a natural defence mechanism to close off a little - it is self-preservation. Remember what Michelle says about not believing what you hear... you know that those experiences meant more to you both. Don't doubt that.

You are having a bit of space from each other now aren't you? It might help you heal a little, horrible as it is and I know not what you want. Talk here as much as you need to, don't feel alone.

Julia

[JWS]

Thanks

having her here this week is hard and going to get harder. its like her leaving all over again. after this she will have no reason to be connected to me. we will hve split our stuff and moved away from each other. her being so nasty to me only makes me want her to go. I know i want her back but i only want the good her, not this version.

[JCJ]

JWS, I don't have much advice to offer to your sitch, but I'll always 'listen'. I think the key this week is not to pressure her. Vent here if you need to, I can't imagine how difficult it is as I have the opposite and no contact. I don't like my h much either at the moment, it is so hard to see them like that. Unfortunately I not liking doesn't stop me loving him, although it's pushing it to the very limits.

Check out TwinDad's thread on the separated forum. He has just been through a separation and is coming out the other side.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1448717&page=1#Post1448717

Also Transformer Picnic V on newcomers, she and her boyfriend were separated for months without contact and he recently contacted her... all was not lost.

[TwinDad]

Hey JWS,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. I just finished reading through your sitch. You have a lot going on in your life. Here are the good things I see

- You can be friends with your W
- You are supporting her in Law school and her life

The bad or not so good I see are pretty much summed up in one phrase. You need to stop talking about the R or more correctly testing the waters. You seem to try to take her emotional temperature quite frequently. If she is going to be a lawyer she is smart and she is going to see straight through this for what it is. More importantly, she will never give you the answer you want to hear until she decideds to do it on her own. If she is 90% home and 10% leaving and you ask that question she will tell you she is leaving. She will probably be doing this out of love as to not get your hopes up. I have seen on several occassions where you have a wonderful day with your best friend only to let something slip like this. I feel you spend enough time apart that you should be near perfect when you are around her. The rest of the time is your down time.

Let your actions speak not your words. Don't tell her you are going to do something to support her, just do it. If you harp on telling her about it, then she will think that you are only doing it to save the M and are not doing it from the heart. Just do it. Don't worry she will notice, she is watching you like a hawk and like she has never watched you before. Her biggest fear is that whatever changes you make are only temporary and that you will revert back. There is nothing you can say that will make her want to come back. Live the change ....make it part of you.

One thing that has not been brought up is yuour career. Perhaps she feels like she will always be second fiddle and follow you around even after she gets her law degree. Even though she may be able to get a good legal job anywhere, it may hamper her career (afterall they have to pass the bar exam for each state they are in) Have you ever considered a career change? Sure know you are having a blast flying military planes, but the military will only keep you in a yet for so long and then you pilot a desk...which will likely be a big adjustment. If you are a pilot then you are an officer and if you are an officer you must have a degree in something, what are your opportunities. It is highly unlikely that she would ever ask you to give up your career (out of love). This is a choice you would have to choose for yourself. Being a military spouse is a very difficult job for anyone, particularly a college educated about to be lawyer with career ambitions. Just to put things in perspective. I was a Coast Guard officer for about 6 years and my wife was in a budding career in real estate. She said she would follow me around, I chose to get out so that she could pursuit her career and figured I culd get an engineering job anywhere. There is a lot to be said about having stability in ones household in helping keep a M alive.

The advice I would give you, is have patience, be her best friend no matter what, if she decideds to go forth and file D and it get finalized then you can choose to not be. She hasn't gone and filed for D....she is watching you, she is looking for the changes.....listen to her heart not her mouth (accept when speaking of changes). Don't defend yourself...you have no leverage right now. When she does get ugly with you remember to believe nothing of what you here and only about 1/2 of what you see. I can't tell you how many times I have been told it is over.

Best wishes

[JWS]

thank you,

i agree about the career and although i love my job and am proud to due it i am a servant and sick of it, I still have a few years but know that I will most likely be done then.

I know what you mean about testing the waters, and i am trying to stop. in fact this day has already been better because i am keeping my mouth shut and just being there for her. today we are doing the separating and packing of our stuff in preparation for the moves, so that has been hard but we are being very friendly about it.

I hate that it is so hard for me to let her go and so easy for her to let me go. I am trying not to believe the negative that she says but it is so hard when i never imagined those words coming from her mouth.

thanks again. I have 4 more days with her and my mouth will be shut my ears open and will be her friend and hope for the best.

[JWS]

i just had a great dinner with her. i kept my mouth shut and we both had a wonderful time, joking and enjoying each others company. i just need to learn to let go and let things happen as they will.