Guilty as charged.. I am a WAW.

[Bridgestone]

Hi bridgestone,

Thanks for the support. So are you offering to listen to my presentation?

Most definately... how ever I can help. Grad students need to stick together!

So I read your post to Lost. 12 months is a long time to waiver. Do you feel that this limbo period has done further damage or has it given you time to breathe and sort through your thoughts?

well, the way I look at it, it was 6 months of getting the hell out of dodge, staying out of the line of fire for leaving (which is still causing rounds to be discharged), taking a breather from the overwhelming emotional & gut-wrenching decision to leave a marriage that had deteriorated into an abusive, energy-sapping, guilt-ridden, resentment driven co-existence. So in that sense.. that was a breather, a respite from the hell of the past year & even before that.

The past 6 months (since he finally went to individual counseling with someone that specializes in anger management) have been spent working on the dissertation with renewed vengence, watching him make changes and paying close attention to see how consistantly & reliably they fit for me & the kids, and mostly for him.

How trustworthy he is with the emotions & thoughts I share with him, and how he 'fits' me, since I (& I suppose he as well) have changed a great deal since we were married 22 years ago. Being, not only trustworthy in the moment but especially important for me, when he is angry or upset & tends to throw them (my shared intimacies) out in mean hurtful ways.

So in some respects if I were to be pushed for an answer today.. it would still be no, I want no part of a marriage with him, as we both are now. I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone, and he has not changed enough for me to consider being in one, beyond friendship & parenting, with him. When I tell him that or even hear it myself it seems as if it does more damage.

Do I have hope given continued changes on both our parts that working together on a 'relationship' that goes beyond friendship & parenting, may be some place to be in a few months.. yes.

My fear however, is putting the time & energy into counseling, emotionally draining conversations, etc resulting in my lacking what I need to finish the diss.. so few people understand either of those components. One dear friend who finally went through some family counseling with her daughter, called me and told me she had no idea how draining counseling was and was so sorry she had not been around to support me in the early stages of our MC, now that she more fully understand what it was to do it.

It is draining.. as is making a psychotic major professor happy enough to sign off on a paper, that she has kept under her control for 4 years. Where do I put my time & energy?? I don't feel as if I have enough to do both. & of course, according to many (on here & in my 'real life') it's selfish of me to choose the diss...