Thank you EnergyAZ, I understand where you are coming from...
I have never ever mentioned to my husband, or even let him know this is how I felt. I smiled and forged on. Maybe it's a subconscious thing?
I do agree that I think leaving was the best course of action, and was very very fearful, hesitate, and discouraged by doing so before. Not knowing if I made the right decision.
And sadly, the children have suffered some of his emotional baggage, I'm afraid. I've had to spend time, "unwinding" some of that. My SS and I were getting close. Makes me sad thinking about that, because I do miss the kids. I hope they will be okay. I'm sure they don't understand any of it, and I'm sure that my H will give them a 'not so nice' image of me.... sigh.
The best that I can do now is move forward. I completely appreciate your view point. It has answered a lot of my own questions, and I have a naturally tried some of these 'tools', I am finding, of what this DB book talks about. I guess, there are just somethings that you have to accept and move on. And I have come to that realization long ago, finally put one foot in front of the other, and let the momentum carry me through. It's up to my H now, if he persists in his actions, it's his loss because it's just going to keep perpetuating into the next relationship he has, maybe then he'll 'wake up' when he gets his third divorce? Who knows? If he figures it out, great. Me? I can only do what I can, and I've had years of counseling, read a plethora of self help books, and I have finally come to a place where I am comfortable being who I am.
Thank you.
You are right, it is his loss. If he doesnt improve himself, he will carry it into future relationships. He will perpetuate it into his children and they might carry it into thier own relationships as adults as well. Its a very sad thing.
Fortunately for you, you grew. You discovered strength to do what is best for you, and that can be just the tip of the iceberg for you
Me: 37 Wife: 40 Son: 7yo Son: 18 mo Bomb: 12/31/07 Status: Reconciled 1/2009 but backsliding terribly right now
Okay, the last few days, I've being doing a task for my grandmother. She sent me a box of old photos, slides that go way back, to scan and archive for her...
Some of these, if not most of them, I have never seen before... I am amazed at how much I don't know about my family! Geeshh... talk about distant. They all live in MI, and I live in CA and I haven't been able to visit them over the years due to finances. I'm excited because in July I'm flying out to visit them. It's been 6yrs since the last time I've been 'home'.
New development happening. H responded back to my father regarding the hiking trip. SS is going. H also informed my Dad that my BIL is shipping out to Iraq in July. I think that this is a positive development (not the Iraq, but the communication H is having with my Dad.) I'm very happy to hear this. Very sad to hear my BIL shipping out...
So, next question. I know that this is going to be a tough thing for my H. I wish I could let him know that I'm here and support him, but, given the current situation, I am doing everything to 'avoid' talking or contacting him that will perpetuate his anger. And since our last email encounter, I am hesitate to say anything to him. What do you think? Should I not say anything, or should I send him a little blurb that I heard about his brother, and am here if he needs me? I don't know if that would be too much, probably. But I don't want him to use it against me either...
I think I'm going to send my BIL & SIL a card, let them know that I support them both, for obvious reasons. This sucks.
So today I called and left another Birthday message for my SD. Again, no one picked up the phone, no response... better than a nasty one, right?
I've finally gotten to Chapter 6 of the DR book... whew. Took a lot of notes. I like the Solution Journal idea and plan to utilize that one! I'm not usually a note taker, but for some reason, I figured putting pen to paper was more action-oriented than mental visualization and gave me a since of 'doing something' even when technically, I'm doing nothing. Gave me less of the feeling that I'm just sitting and waiting... which really, is what I'm doing. Makes me sad.
And my H did not follow through with providing me my things like he said he would... so, another round we'll go. THIS IS FRUSTRATING!!!! But again, it's better than him throwing my stuff to the curb, right? I assume he's been busy.
Sadly, I miss 'my life' terribly. I hate being at my parents, but I have no where else to go. I turned in a job application to one that I really really want this week, so I need prayers for that! I so need a job. Get me out of the house, I'll have money in my pocket to do things I want. Right now, I feel like my life is on hold. Sucks. My mother keeps following me around the house like I'm some sick puppy. I hate it. Very clingy and needy. So, if this sitting and waiting isn't going to get the best of me, my mother sure is! LOL.
When I look back, I was very content with a lot of things, just not happy with the way my husband approached me or handled some things. I often felt blindsided by a lot of things, but I think I may have figured better ways to deal with that now and am beginning to think that maybe my H is in midlife after all? I don't know. Not saying that I'm perfect, oh no... but I can see some pot holes in both of us. It's all very confusing and frustrating. I wish I knew what I know now, like I think it's absolutely a hilarious idea to shred your clothes off during a fight! That would be fun to try... but sadly, I have a long way to go, I fear. I don't really know why I still have hope, but in my heart, I do. I'm cautiously moving forward though, that's good.
I'm throwing a curve ball at my husband in this next email. I'm asking for my bike, and cycle gear, my exercise ball, steps and other equipment... LMAO!!! This will be sure to get him thinking what's going on? Why does she need her bike? Why does she need the ball? So, I hope to get those wheels turning in his head. Not really counting on it, but I'm sure it will be enough to make him wonder.
I do plan on using the stuff, I'm pretty much bored here. I'm giving him no explanation, just going to leisurely ride along the river. Heck, maybe it will make him curious enough to hop on his bike and ride the trail? Lol. (Doubt it...)
"...but sadly, I have a long way to go, I fear. I don't really know why I still have hope, but in my heart, I do. I'm cautiously moving forward though, that's good."
Hey Jane,
Just checking on you! One day at a time, my friend. I'm proud of you! If you are anything like me, you will get discouraged, get pissed...then start fighting for your S all over again. Don't be afraid to have hope! One of the moderators (I forget who) said, "Have as much hope as your heart can hold."
My close friends start saying, "Don't get your hopes up..." My response is, "If I'm going to be hurting, I might as well be working to get my wife back!"
Sorry about your clingy mom..LOL. Ya gotta love 'em!! As far as the H goes, patience and more patience. These things take awhile.
Hey, my W sent me a thank-you card yesterday (I gave her a novel to read). We have been sharing books. The card said, "Thanks for the book!..I send my good uplifting thoughts your way."
Kinda nice, I guess. She has been very adamant about wanting the D and says she wants me to do well in my life. Not mean at all. Pretty discouraging there. She very calmly tells me to "let me go". But she admitted to having good contacts with me and "making new memories". What do you think about the mixed messages as a (former)WAW?
Me: 46 Second Marriage WAW: 38 First Marriage Separated: Dec. 2007 W Filed for D: Feb. 2008 For more hope, click: http://rejoiceministries.org/
Hey Jane, Just hang in there, I know all about being lonely. Since my W has been gone for over 2 months, damn I get lonely and miss very deeply. I know having patients is tough and that it will test you to no end, but it is a must. Anyway go to http://www.rejoiceministries.com look on the lower right where there is a search option. Then type in "standing firm" go to the standing firm weekly and there is about 40 newsletters there. They are about standing firm in your marriage, reading them is very uplifting.
Flipper I think all of us that have been left get the "let me go" line and the mixed signals, I know I sure have. Our spouses are simply confused and probably don't know half of what they are thinking. So I would put these messages under believe nothing you hear and half of what you see. I have gotten to where I ignore some of what she says in my mind. I put all my faith in God, I know he is going to restore my marriage and deep down even though my W doesn't show to much right now I think she knows deep in her heart that there is still something there too, cause she hasn't left yet. They are emotional, confused, frustrated and so on. Listen closely to what they say to make your adjustments, pace yourself, and just give them time, pray and I think they will eventually come around.
You know, the whole mixed messages thing to me, is perhaps them only trying to convince themselves that what they are doing is right. It's really her not letting you go, think about it. If she was done, truly done, there would be no communication, no card, no exchange of books, etc. She's holding on, but like sooners7xchamps says, she's confused. It's a mixed bag of emotions. I'm no different. And that is why I wonder about my sitch, because everywhere else I read, there is this form of subtle communication going on. But then I remind myself that it may just be too soon yet. Only been what 6 weeks? LOL. (It totally feels longer because I have nothing to fill my days with... can I say, JOB would be nice one more time! Lol)
Patience, yes. Got to have lots of patience. I agree with this.
I have blocked out a lot of negative thought and gander as much as I humanly can, that is. I've began to gravitate to only positive things. When I start to feel down, I shift my mind and start to listen to my favorite music, pick up a book, or look at something that makes me laugh, etc. I found a bunch of baby pictures of me that I have never seen before. Gosh, I was one cute baby! Happy too. That has been helping A LOT!
What I have learned is that God hates divorce and that he wants us to stand for our marriages, it says this in the bible. The bible also says that for anyone that fallows his commands will be rewarded. In some regards this is a test on us, but also so that people can see what we do. We are used as a tool to show people how God works and that by having faith God will bless you, when other people see what is happening then God's purpose it to draw other people closer to him. This is done because of his love for us. Sometimes some pain is needed in order to fulfill the greater cause. Just keep in mind your faith and perseverance will be rewarded and your marriage restored, it's what God wants. Also his time table is different than ours, I think our not knowing when is the toughest part, but God has a plan for all our why's.