Hmm... coming back here and re-reading that last post made me realize that it sounds pretty negative. Just to clarify, I'm a nice guy - too nice. I'm kind and polite and caring when I see her. She takes advantage of that. She's just caught up with herself right now.
So, here I am. Late night. So many sitches from so many friends I should respond to but I just don't have the energy. I'm so far behind on work that I feel like I can barely breathe. I didn't finish something I've been putting off for weeks and what'll I say tomorrow AM? I'm not getting paid for it so could never justify spending the time on it, but feel guilty that I didn't come through.
The past half-year has really screwed with my ability to concentrate. The world seems to shift, fluctuate, twist in my vision. Everyone is constantly wanting something from me and no one is willing to give anything except a few close friends.
I feel damaged. I cry easier than I ever have before. I suspect others of being disingenuous. I just see myself alone in the future. I feel removed from myself - not due to W but because the sitch has shifted everything and made me question my own foundations.
And of course I don't understand my sitch and I WANT to understand. I accept that I may never have an answer, but accepting isn't very satisfying.
So again I think of others - all they're going through. RTL is in his prepped house but isn't going to paint. Smartcookie moving onto digestive system. Karen's car is in the shade and Kat's in a silky nightie. gForce is trying to be positive. Kerry is in SE Oregon. WCW has sore hands and needs to sleep. H4H is MIA and we're anxious. H4u is sending something to the smiley face. Bridgestone is busy and conflicted - never a good combination, in my experience. Whitney is nervous about tomorrow. girlfromipanema is dreaming. So is gypsy. But Kalni's having coffee.
And me? who knows. it changes from day to day. Where do you start to look for meaning when your foundation is suddenly gone? That's an issue we all face - LBS & WAS. The world has been shifting, twisting, skewing, and suddenly it comes into sharp focus and it is not at all what we thought we were looking at.
I'm sure this all sounds more nostalgic, more introspective, more depressed and melancholic than it actually is. Spare your 2x4s, your attempts to fix me - this is just a late night ramble. It is what it is and nothing more.
