Ok, feeling a little sick here. Regressed a bunch in my DBing, I'm thinking.
Just got off the phone with my H. I asked him if he was still going out with Point 5 girl (read back a few pages for that one), thinking surely after the weekend we had, he realized he didn't want to live without me..blahblahblah..and broke up with her. WRONG. He said yes he was. I told him that I was confused. What was last weekend...and I mentioned some things that were misleading, etc. He said that it's hard for him when he sees me in person because it is so tempting because he loves holding me (ETC) but he knows we can't stay married. I said, 'so, it's just physical?" He said, "no, I love you and care deeply for you. I just know we can't live together or stay married" HUH?? I said, 'but I want to...I believe we can'. I told him that there were guys asking me out (which is flatteringly true :-) ) but that as attractive or nice as they were, I only wanted him. He said that I only want to stay married to him because I procrastinated in finding a place to live and now I'm panicking, trying to stay together because I don't know where I'm going to go when we clear housing. He said that once I had my own place and a steady job and things settled down (what is with these WASs that think things are going to magically settle down at some point in time??), then I would realize that I didn't really want to be married to him and I would be glad. HUH??? Yeah, and by then the damage to the kids will be great. Yes, I can make a good life for my family and provide for them because I am just stubborn like that but it is NOT WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM. I told him that he was wrong about that assumption.
Once when he was mad, he said that I only wanted to be with him because he was safe. To which I replied, "um, no you're not". But tonight I said that in a sense he was right but not in the way he meant it. I was safe because with him is where I'm supposed to be. I was safe because that's how God intended it to be....H as protector of this family. I told him that when he is up here, we feel like all is right with our world. I felt so peaceful and content last weekend when he was here....and YES, I felt VERY loved by him. I am so confused.
