ow in my sitch has had multiple affairs.. seems like a match made in heaven (or maybe he!!), doesn't it??
Karen - I saw your post that you lied about wanting your H to be happy... Umm... I'm not quite "evolved" enough to want mine to happy w/ow either!! That's the truth
I don't know why but I am still amazed that my stbx has so completely moved on with his new life. The whole new family is going on vacation next week.. It is just too strange... One day, he wants to date me (I'm not interested btw).. the next he's on vaca with these other people and MY D!! At this point, nothing should shock me but I guess it still does.. Part of me sadly remembers the highly moral guy I thought I married...
Karen - I saw your post that you lied about wanting your H to be happy... Umm... I'm not quite "evolved" enough to want mine to happy w/ow either!! That's the truth
Sorry I lied on your thread, Olive! I'm just starting an "angry" phase with H and I realized I don't really want him to be all happy like he's been acting the last couple days; I really don't. I wish I was a more selfless person, but I guess I have to work on that! Karen
Especially, when my stbx continues to get back on the fence of indecision every one in a while. He always goes back to ow but for some reason it catches something in my heart.. even though I KNOW what the outcome will be... How do I completely detach from that??
He has even mentioned the possibility of us "dating" again after the D is final..
Tell him sorry, but he's too confused and you and your daughter need a man who is fully committed to you and holding a family together.
As far as him wanting to date after the D, tell him there's a long line and unfortunately once the D is final he will be at the end....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You didn't marry a highly moral man. He ended up showing his true colors. And, if I recall, this is his second affair.
Regarding "wishing them the best". What do we mean by "the best"? I think if your spouse left you for someone else, and you eventually remarried, at that point reconciliation would be impossible, so I think I could wish them, "the best" in the sense of making the best of a paiful, broken and evil situation. I don't think white-wahing something inherently dishonorable, ignoble and evil is helpful to anyone.
I couldn't wish someone the best who is currently engaged in an immoral covenant-breaking act. It's, essentially, saying, "I hope that adultery thing works out for you." Of course, my religious beliefs are spilling into this discussion. But come on people, is adultery wrong or not? I don't think we'd wish a bank robber happniess in his chosen profession, "I hope that stealing thing works out for you." Or to a serial-killer, "I personally feel that not killing would make you happier, but, hey, who am I to judge? So I wish you the best on your next killing spree."
Just because I think a villain's plans should be foiled doesn't mean I can't have compassion or forgive them.
On a personal note, if my spouse, even if we divorced, asked me for forgiveness and acknowledged the hurt and wrongfulness of her actions, I would be able to wish her well, regardless of our reconciling together.
Regarding dating after the divorce. I think this says some things about your husband's belief system:
1. He thinks you will take him back no matter what. He has ample evidence to go on: you put up with his affair for a long time. He's been conditioned to cake-eating. You now have ample opportunity to keep your boundaries firm and show him otherwise.
2. He can do whatever he wants and can have recreational sex with any number of women he feels like. He's not done sowing his wild oats. He thinks he can string along two women who adore him and want him. This is bad seed. A chronic philanderer.
3. He doesn't think this relationship with the OW will last. He's not going to marry her. He's trying to hedge his bets.
4. His actions have had no consequences. His family, his church all are acting as if this is perfectly normal. This is a failure of community. We live in a sick world. You are the only one, Olive, who can bring any consequences to bear to this man. He will lose you. And, I hope, your lawyer can make sure he loses significant time with his daughter. People in general, and bad people most often, will continue you to bad things until sit gets too painful to do so.
Thanks for the post Theo... You always give me something to think about. I think you are exactly right regarding his belief system. I was actually just thinking about the lack of consequences. There have been zero lasting consequences thus far and he has surrounded himself by people who accept the situation without blinking an eye.
3. He doesn't think this relationship with the OW will last. He's not going to marry her. He's trying to hedge his bets.
Ok.. about this statment. I swear sometimes he IS going to marry her. Actually, he will do it as soon as ow talks him into it. He thinks they have the opportunity to have a great relationship once we D. On the other hand, he sometimes acts like he's just waiting/wanting for it to die its own death...like it's sooo much easier to just end it with me and then, wait for that to end... I probably don't make sense.. I'm irritated..
WARNING!!! Venting in process:
WTH is up with these people? Do they EVER take ANY responsibility for ANYTHING?? Like SueS said on her thread - she is always getting blamed. Well, so am I. Now, stbx blames me for D's attitude toward him when she doesn't want to talk to him. She's mad at him for ignoring her.. How can THAT be MY fault??? He acts like I MUST be saying something to her. And, I am soooo careful not to put him (or even ow!!!) down. Just so irritating...
For me, wishing someone in this type of situation "the best" means wishing that he will be at peace at his choice, that he understnad and is willing to accept the consequences of the choice and eventually find his own happiness. Like a stealer, the laws are there and in an ideal situation, we would hope that the education and law system will deter a person from stealing. But having laid out hte rules and boundaries, if the stealer still want to commit a crime, and get caught and jailed, that will be the consequences he will have to face. And by wishing someone like that "the best" may mean he is fully aware of the jail term and is ready to accept it. Yes, it is not fair that the person who's stolen from gets hurt or whatever. And the victim does not have to forgive, but hopefully the victim needs to learn to let go, learn from this, understand that life is not perfect and move on. That's how I try to think anyway.
Your H may have people around him who do not care about the A, LO. You can choose not to associate with them. Or involve them in the good qualities that they have, but limit exposure to the qualities that you do not agree with. I see people around me, including myself, who are not perfect or with traits that I don't like. But they are not my husband. My H is the only one that I want to be completely open and commmitted in an exclusive R. Other people, I may care for them but I can set boundaries to the exposure or my relationship with them.
This is getting preachy so sorry about that. Your H is not the person you want to be with now. You want a committed man and he is not, currently. He is an adult and he can have whatever moral value system he wants to have. You are setting boundaries not to get yourself hurt or your D hurt (hence the lawyer and the custody). You are setting boundaries not to hurt him, it's only done because you, as a mother and a STBX-wife, do not want to get hurt, or to have this value system passed on to your DD.
WTH is up with these people? Do they EVER take ANY responsibility for ANYTHING?? Like SueS said on her thread - she is always getting blamed. Well, so am I. Now, stbx blames me for D's attitude toward him when she doesn't want to talk to him. She's mad at him for ignoring her.. How can THAT be MY fault??? He acts like I MUST be saying something to her. And, I am soooo careful not to put him (or even ow!!!) down. Just so irritating...
LO- I got blamed for something D4 did too!!! I don't remember the exact deal right now but I sure remember my H saying....This is your mom's fault! Um, how did I cause that? I think my H will blame me for other things too. I KNOW there will be times that D4 won't want to go with H. He'll get mad and wonder why, not having a clue that he had anything to do with it.
Vent away LO, vent away........
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Do they EVER take ANY responsibility for ANYTHING?? Like SueS said on her thread - she is always getting blamed.
Well of course you have to be blamed. It's would be too difficult to D you otherwise. You have to expect this. It's really normal. It's to cause fighting and tension to make the D easier for him. Don't give him that satisfaction. Say you are sorry it appears that way I've never intended anything like that... and then just smile, listen and let him rant. Just say okay and yes.... Imagine your H as some spoiled child that nothing you do can make him happy. Just humor him, let him rant and rave and stay pleasant. Take nothing personal. Don't let him get you mad because that's what he wants.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Karen