I am feeling quite strange at the moment. I was so up for saving my marriage when I first started posting here, convinced that I would be able to turn things round. I have made progress in terms of me and am quite proud of myself but nothing seems to be happening on the h front. Going dark has just meant that it has been easier for him to detach. I thought the initial texts were a good sign but it turns out they were just because he was feeling pressured by his parents to move out and I think pressured to get things sorted asap so he would be happy. I am getting this from my friends and loved ones but am resisting to do what is right for me. I know that he will be hearing those messages and I can't do anything about it. He is clearly easily influenced as demonstrated by his workmates hold over him and need to fit in.
I worry that I am detaching too much. When we met on Wednesday there was nothing between us, really nothing. I didn't even like the guy sitting opposite me and yet he is my husband. He may as well be a stranger; I didn’t even feel that I would ever be attracted to this guy now. He didn't respond to my email thanking him for coming. Clearly contacting him doesn't work and not contacting him doesn't work either. I know time is supposed to be a good thing but I know my h and out of sight is out of mind.
I am also confused because I met up with an old friend (a guy) who was really lovely to me and has said that he likes me and wants to see more of me. This made me feel really good about myself and of course gave me a rush (ideas that he will be my saviour from this pain and my life will be happy ever after…). He put his arms around me and it was so nice to just be hugged again and have someone feel concern for me. Something my h hasn't given me for so long. Of course he isn't my h but I admit that I am attracted to him. I know this would be the wrong thing and really not healthy at the moment considering my vulnerable state. I’m not delusional I know the realities but it would be so nice not to live in reality for a little while. But how long am I supposed to keep going with when my h has made it more than clear he doesn’t want me anymore and now I feel I have betrayed my h. I feel really ashamed to admit this on the forum but I am confused by it.
It is my birthday next weekend and although I have made plans I am wondering whether my h is going to bother contacting me. I suppose the fact that I still care about this is a good sign that I am not as apathetic as I thought. I hate that June is now passing and still the only thing that has happened is that we are detaching/splitting from each other more.
Weekends are the hardest for me, I wonder if my h even thinks about me anymore in terms of how i feel about him. That I miss him and weekends are no fun without him. I used to live for the weekends and now I dread them even if I am busy.
I'm going to have a think about the positives about selling the house and the conversation I will have with my h about it this week - if he answers the phone to me.
