Back to square one

[sandi2]

My Dear whatdidido,

The first thing I want to say to you is that I am sorry b/c I told you that I would meet you back over here in this forum and then I got distracted with some others and the next thing I knew, you were drowning.

The second thing I want to say to you is that I am still on your side and I know exactly how you are feeling and the awfulness of it all. My heart goes out to you b/c I know how unhappy and miserable you are and that you don't know which way to turn and you feel that you need to make a decision.......and yet there are so many things you have to consider. I know the hell that you are feeling right now.

I want to tell you something, and I just hope you are still coming back to the board and will read this. I haven't said this to very many here on the board.....and never face to face with another person. When I was growing up, we were very poor. I had good parents, etc., but we lacked for several materialist things and it effected me when I started Jr. High School. Now, I don't know that that had any thing to do with why I was like I was.......I have tried to figure it out and I just don't know, I only remember that it was always that way for me. You know how when we were little kids and played and used our imaginations? Well, I was the only child for six and a half years and was used to playing alone, but I had a great imagination and you would have thought I had a dozen people in the room with me playing. Anyway, as I entered my early preteen years, I knew I was too big to "play" any longer and would be embarrased if anyone got me playing house, or anything. Now, I was very innoncent and knew very, very little about sex. I barely knew where babies came from. But, I was getting at that age where I liked to watch the romantic love stories on TV. When I went to bed at night, this "need" to pretend about things was still there in me. I felt so "empty", so I would fantasize about the hero in the love story. I never masterbated before I was married.....that is how little I knew about sex! Never touched myself in private places......can you imagine anyone being like that? But it is the truth, so help me. So, maybe I was adnormal, I don't know. But, I continued to fantisize about the movie stars and as I got older, (perhaps it was a sexual frustration and I didn't even realize it)......again, I don't know.

When I met my H to be, I was only 16, and got married at 18 and was a virgin. We were both "good" kids and never did anything we shouldn't have done sexually before marriage. It did not stop my fantisizing about TV stars, even though I was in love and was going to get M. I would fantasize about my future H, but I still thought or "pretended" or fantasized about make-believe characters.

When we first M, the fantasizing stopped briefly. But, we were M less than a couple of months when my H stopped staying in bed with me after we made love. He would get back up and watch TV just like he had done his entire life. He had always been a night owl and would sit up watching TV. Well, this hurt my feelings b/c I wanted him to stay in bed with me and us cuddle and talk and him whisper sweet nothings in my ear. It didn't happen. I was so ignorant about sex, I did not even know about oral sex until my H told me. I had to go throw up b/c I could not imagine anyone doing such nasty things.....lol. So, to say that I could be free and uninhibited was very far off course. I had one period after we M, and then I got pregnant as soon as that period was over. I won't go over all the things that went on b/c it is way too long of a story, but it put me into a state up deep unhappiness and depression. I probably had post partum depression but didn't know it. The depression got worse and we had no friends or ever went anywhere except to his Mother's where the other relatives would gather. This was after we finally moved out b/c we were living with her when we were first M which was terrible! But, anyway, b/c of my unhappiness and unfulfilled emotional and sexual needs, I would fantisized more and more. When I finally found a book that explained about female masterbation, then I had to experiment......and that opened an entirely new chapter in my life. However, it did not help in my M, it only fueled my fantasizing.

Over the years, I did try very hard to put life and excitement into my M and I read all kinds of books that told the W what to do to keep her H happy, etc. But, my H would still come home and eat, watch TV all night until he fell asleep. When he came to bed "with" me.....I knew it meant he wanted sex, and afterwards, most of the time, he got back up to watch TV. He has never been a talker and whenever I would try to talk to him he would not even acknowledge my presence in the room, he would just stare at the TV and never answer me. Of course, I did all the talking and would turn my soul inside out b/c I wanted so badly for us to be intimate in that way in order for me to be intimate in bed.....but he would not talk. So, my emotional needs kept mounting and his sexual needs kept climbing. Therefore, we were not meeting each other's needs. I never had an orgasam with him. The only way I could have one was by myself.....fantasizing. Of course, I could not let him watch! It was my "secret" and I never told him. I would feel shame for it b/c I felt it was wrong, but I kept doing it.

So, we raised our family and life went on and we "settled" into a comfortable routine. This routine was him falling asleep on the couch watching TV and not sleeping at all with me. He thought the problem with our m was the fact that I did not want to have sex and no matter what I tried to talk to him about.....it always came back to the subject of me not wanting enough sex and then I would get mad b/c he always blamed me. He went 20 years that he has not slept in the same bed, at all, with me. I have been totally alone every night for over 20 years. He used to come have sex once in a while and then get back up as soon as we were through. But, then he decided that he was not going to intiate it until I did. I tried to tell him that I was never the type to pursue and that I had to be the "responder", but never-the-less, he made that decision. Then he began to have heart trouble and then surgery and first one problem then another. The thing is, he went so many years without proforming sex, that the last few times we tried, he could not do anything. The ironic part was that I had finally reached my "peak" and wanted it. But, he suddenly stopped and did not act interested at all. I thought it was b/c he couldn't perform and was embarrased about it. Anyway, this is way too long of a story and the point I wanted to make is that over the years, I continued to fantasize to try to fill that empty part of my life......just like when I was a kid and felt that there was things missing that I wanted or needed (not trying to justify....just trying to figure it out) and I was certainly not getting it in my M.

At the point I found OM on line......I was at my lowest in my life. My H almost ignored my presence in the house. We just exsisted together under the same roof and tried to put up a front for our family's sake. I told you how I met the OM when you had your stitch over in "Piecing". But you see, the fantasy was more of the relationship than the reality was. I did not want to believe anything the people here on the board told me when I first came on and told them that I was involved in an EA with a man on line. Do you know how I felt to tell people that I was turning sixty and thought and felt like I was going through a MLC? A lot of people didn't think I was, but I sure had a lot of the signs. But, OM made me feel just like you described how your OM made you feel. I suddenly was working my a$$ off to look younger and lost weight and bought hundreds of dollars worth of creams and gadgets that promised younger looking appearance. And you know what? I did look great then! I mean, I worked hard and he was feeding me just what I needed! My H, on the other hand, was disgusting me more by the day. But, as I told you in the other forum, I could not leave him due to my lack of finances and he told me that once I left....there would be no coming back home again.....and I knew he meant it. The OM represented "power" b/c of his job status, and he had money, and he was oppostite of my H (which happens all the time with WAW's), but I mostly made him what I wanted him to be. I would even give him these "tests" to see how he would react to them.....and he passed every one with flying colors. Oh, he was good! He knew just what to say every time! So, I thought these people didn't know what they were talking about when they tried to tell me the truth. My fantasy was carrying me through.

Anyway, to shorten this story, I made the decision to cut it off with OM and stay in my M for the sake of my family. Also, there were other things I had to consider. The OM never mentioned the word "marriage"! He talked about coming and getting me and that he would take care of me......but who is to say that he would not have kicked me out whenever he got tired of me or if I didn't please him in bed??? I had some health problems and even though he said he could deal with that, I wasn't sure, and I had to keep my insurance, etc., etc. A lot to consider. He even told me that he would give me money each month if I wanted to find an apartment to move into here in my home town or a nearby town. Guess how much he was going to send me? $200 a month!! In the beginning, I would not even consider him giving me money, but I got to the place that I wanted to be free to be able for him to come see me and for us to have a PA.....that I finally listen to what he suggested. BTW, he had been drinking when he told me the amount he would send. It devastated me. We were talking by phone so I could tell he was drunk. He had just told me that he "pissed" away 600 a month just on junk. So, when I IM'd him and told him that $200 would not begin to help my expenses, "but thanks anyway but it looked like I was forced to stay in my own home", then he told me that he could give me more and not to give up.....but I would not agree to it and did not want to feel like a "kept woman" and feel obligated to him. That was my very first "eye opener".

I had been told that he probably had other women on line that he was stringing along just like he was me, but I didn't want to believe it. You see, at first, he was going to come see me every two weekends, and then in one of our conversations, he said that he couldn't promise that he could come that often. That was my second "eye opener". But, some things begin to show me that he put up a good front, but in the long run, I think he just wanted to get into my panties and he had no intentions of marrying me, even though he proclaimed to love me. He kept talking about how we had to meet for physical contact, etc. Of course it was b/c he "needed me so badly".

The decision to stay in my M was very, very hard. Did I mention that? (lol) And, honey, I fantisized about that OM like crazy! I could not get him out of my mind! After three months.....I was still doing it. It has been the hardest thing to control that I have encountered. The fantasizing about how I wanted him to be. He was my knight in shining armour! He waa going to rescue me from my miserable marriage and life and carry me off on his white horse and we were going to live a wonderful life together.....he had told me where all he wanted to take me. I knew he would probably be retiring in a few years and we would be free to just travel and have a good ole time. (fool!)

So, I told all of that just to let you know how I understand the addiction. I never in my wildest dreams thought I had an addiction. I would never have agreeded that I had a sexual addiction. After all, that was the problem in my own M....b/c I didn't want to have sex! I never even looked at another man or was interested. I did not look at porn or flirt or have A's (up until the EA, of course).......but I have to admit that I am addicted to the sexual fantisizing that started even before I knew anything about masterbating or anything of that nature. I realize that now. And, honey, this is the first time in my life that I have at last admitted it.

All the books say, oh it is normal and natural and fine to masterbate......yeah, but when you are doing it while fantasizing about another man, then it interfers with your R with your H! I know it does! I know that that has been my main problem over all these years. If I had kept all those "non-real" TV starts out of my head at night, I may have been able to be a more loving and sexual partner for my H. But, he could not measure up to all those movie stars! Talk about comparrison!

Let me see how long this post is before I continue......

Oh Lordy, I'm going to lock your thread up! Listen there is something else I want to tell you about what I did that I have not told anybody else. So, if you will come back....or if I have locked this thread up, please start another one, b/c you are very fragile right now and you don't need to stop posting or coming back here.....okay? But I will wait for you to repsond before I continue.....of course it will drive the others crazy wondering what I did. (LOL) But the point is......I am your "sister" here and I know what you are going through....even if mine didn't get to the PA.....it got as close to one as a web cam will allow and that is very embarrasing for me to tell that here. But that is how much I want to make this bond with you. I know what it's like not having sexual, loving feelings for your H and trying to make the M work! You are not alone, sweetie. Come back and talk to me. You know I won't hit you up beside the head and, God knows, I am in no position to judge.

Know that I care very much about what you are going through and I am here for you. I won't get distracted and forsake you if you will come back and talk to me.

Until then......please be careful and take care.

Sandi

[whatdidido]

hoosiermama, I read about codependency. I don't know...possibly some of that going on with the OM. I know that I like to feel like he needs me. I like that I'd be good for him.

ROOT, I think you are right that I am in the "in love" stage still with OM but all of the arguing with him and talking seems to make us feel like we are in the next level. Feels like why would I put up with all of this crap if I didn't love him. Maybe hoosiermama is right it is a codependency thing with OM.

If I could just get out of the depression I get myself in. If I could just "snap out of it". We went as a family to this cool zoo yesterday and it was a nice day. My S had a blast. It's almost like the more I spend time with my H, though, the more it worsens the situation because I feel so unhappy being with him. I can figure it out in my head and I know what I want but when it comes to it, I am unhappy with him. Time.....I need time......I'm going to find a counselor until retrovaille, too. I talked it over with H and he seemed to think that might be a good idea. I think he is afraid of me seeing a counselor because the last one was the one who said we should separate.

Sandi, thank you for coming back and posting. I do need you now more than ever. Any advice you can give me I would appreciate. It does help to know that you understand the feelings I have. I want to know what else you have to tell me. Please post more.

Today I have laid in bed all day. I'm still in my pjs now. I didn't feel like going to church, I didnt feel like having coffee with H, i didn't feel like going out in the sunny day, I didn't feel like going for a bike ride with H and S, and I didn't feel like running errands. What did I do instead? I laid in bed. I knew I should get up, but I didn't want to. I knew H wanted me to and I just didn't want to. H mentioned he might go out with his brother tonight and I said I thought that sounded great and that I would stay home and watch movies. Now, it is raining so he won't go. I just want to be alone. I wish I could just go to some place where no one knows me today. Maybe a beach......just lay by a beach and read books and magazines all day. That sounds so wonderful to me right now.

[runningoutoftime]

Personally it has been so unbearably hot in my area I just want to lay on the bed all day under the fan. The weather is just too miserable here to think about doing anything... except going to the mall. My husband is out of the country deep sea fishing so I have just been aimless...

Anyhow, enough of me... you write
>> Feels like why would I put up with all of this crap if I didn't love him. <<

I don't think it's love. I think it's because you don't want to be wrong. Also, I think you are trying to escape your depression through him. You need to be happy within yourself. The presence or non-presence of any guy shouldn't be the reason for your happiness or unhappiness. Take care of the depression first and then figure out the whole guy thing. You cannot think logically or make good decisions while you are depressed. Are you on medication for this? Some low-dose, temporary meds might be helpful.... it's a lot better than trying to self-medicate with OM...

By the way, from what you've described of your H he sounds like a catch (even with the intimacy issues). If you do decide to divorce him let me know. I have a slew of divorced friends who'd like to meet a guy like that (attractive, and a "good guy." Wow!!!).

[Hope4us]

Today I have laid in bed all day. I'm still in my pjs now. I didn't feel like going to church, I didnt feel like having coffee with H, i didn't feel like going out in the sunny day, I didn't feel like going for a bike ride with H and S, and I didn't feel like running errands. What did I do instead? I laid in bed. I knew I should get up, but I didn't want to. I knew H wanted me to and I just didn't want to. H mentioned he might go out with his brother tonight and I said I thought that sounded great and that I would stay home and watch movies. Now, it is raining so he won't go. I just want to be alone. I wish I could just go to some place where no one knows me today. Maybe a beach......just lay by a beach and read books and magazines all day. That sounds so wonderful to me right now.

One word....WITHDRAWAL. It will get better, but until you go through it your H doesn't stand a chance. My counselor told me it's just best to exist together while you go through it. Don't expect ANYTHING your H does to have any affect on you because until you get through it, nothing he does will mean anything to you. Once you get through WD, then you'll be able to make progress with your H. Don't make any decisions about him and your M until you've given yourself 6 months - 1 year to get over OM.