My H had more than one A and many one night stands. At first, I thought he was having a MLC but when I found out he had been cheating through the whole marriage, I knew otherwise and that he had much deeper problems. Everything just came together in one big fit over his 40th birthday.
Thanks for your support Trip. How are you on your own, did you ever or did H ever want to reconcile?
The house is going up for sale in a couple of weeks and i have all my financial documentation ready for my solicitor. I know i need to get it to her but am stalling and I don't know why as i know i'm only putting off teh inevitable.
H's actions and emotions are still very distant towards me although he still contacts me regularly regarding the business or the boys.
He had a problem at work last week, and it was me he phoned trying to find out if i had heard anything that may affect his job as he had a feeling the school was trying to get rid of him. I said i couldn't help him as i didn't know anything as i had asked the managers not to tell me anything that could compromise me.
I did say to H that he done himself no favours by continuiung to have OW work valuntarirly alongside him on the poolside. I siad he had being asked to use his discretion and intergrity and he had not and he continued to rub my nose in his affair. When i said that people still thought that the A was still ongoing he didn't deny it. I told him i couldn't help him or fix it for him this time.
I then had an email from him that said he was in no fit state to have the boys that night, would i kiss them and tell them daddy loves them. WTF!!!! I nearly said to him that i had been to hell and back b/c of him over the 2 years and there was plenty of times i just wanted to take to my bed and stay there, but the kids gave me the very reason to get out of bed and that he should draw strength from them as i had done. Couldn't be bothered tho and just said i had arrangements to go out and would drop them off. What a selfish bas*ard....talk about pity party.
I don't really know how to say how i'm doing. I'm much better and getting stronger all the time, i'm happier on my own than living as unhappily as i now know i was. I'm getting out all the time and i hardly think of H anymore. He has lied to me that much that the lies roll off his tongue that easily now that he has no conscious. He's chasing a dream and i think he's unhappy with himself.
Every text or email with his name on sends my stomach churning. I think 'what now'. I wish i could fast forward to a years time when hopefully most things are sorted if not finalised and i can have as little to do with him as possible.
i have a tattoo booked for today as a present to myself.
I also have a male friend who i've known for years, we were both married, but there has been an attraction there for both of us. I go out with him as a friend, but thats getting more often and he txts me daily. He makes me laugh, which is so far removed from my relationship with H, where he looks like he would break before sahring a laugh with me.
I think the old me is re-emerging.
X Evie
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Yeah, at first I did want to reconcile and repair things. That is why I came here but he kept cheating and even being dishonest with his girlfriend. I think it is a sickness with him but that's no longer my problem really.
I am fine on my own because he traveled a lot and so I was used to being by myself. The rejection part hurt the most.
Be careful with your friendship and if you do want your H back then it is better to stay focused on yourself and your children.
Make those goals that are ME focused and also some that would make you appealing to your H more than the OW.
If you don't want him back then stick with the ME stuff and keep working on being that better and stronger person. Know, that you will be okay and give yourself time.
hi not beind around for a while. Things went very quiet here and i was riding high on energy and feeling good, focusing on me and the kids, getting out a lot, the sun was shinning - always makes you feel better.
Now the school holidays are here and H has more time on his hands and he's starting to get the ball moving with regards to getting the house decorated to be put on the market, he even asked me to help!! Cheeky bas*ard.
On sunday he took the boys out for a bbcue and when they came back they told me it was at a friends farm, ow, her kids and her parents were there!!!
I knew deep down that he was still seeing her, but the last thing he said to me about it all was that it was over before it all began and he had no intention of going back to her...
Why can he not just be honest!! Why the continual lies and no regard to my feelings? He knew the boys would say something.
I knew i would have to deal with this sometime, but i would have appreciated some honesty. He has no respect. It feels as if he is totally disregarding our past and wants to move on asap.
It was hurtful and im still down about it although not so angry.
X Eve
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Don't apologise for being out there and having fun!
Your H lies because it makes his life easier on him. He thinks it will hurt you less/shut you up if he tells you what he thinks you want to hear. Trouble is, you want the truth, but he feels unable to give that. This is my take - I may be wrong. I got all kinds of crepe coming out of my H's mouth in my sitch.
Best advice I can give is try to let his lies go, let them float off, close yourself off to them. Don't let him get in the way of you having a darned good time!
And selling the house ... ha ha, passive resistence here, you'd love to but you're just soooooooooooo busy, ah, opps, you forgot etc etc. And..... remember it's a really depressed market for selling right now, maybe that could stall him a bit. First time buyers are saving their spare cash into ISA's so they have enough for a deposit when prices come down even more. It may not work, but it might just ..... delaying might make OW nag nag nag him more and more.
I'm glad to hear you don't feel angry though. Anger isn't really that useful an emotion. I used to think it was, it isn't really.
Take care - I need to email you some photos of the festival I went to at the weekend too ... it's very child friendly, in Dorset, maybe consider it for next year?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
However, i'm torn between 2 ways of thinking- head and heart.
I need - or feel i should - get all my financial documents to the solicitor for her to work out what she feels is teh best settlement for me.
My gut (or heart) is saying sit on it all and don't rush to do anything.
Then we have my practical head that says dont let the heart rule, stop putting off the inevitable, get the documents to the solicitors, do it know while we're on the back off his lies, lets get the ball rolling, lets move on. Move onto a smaller place easier to maintain and run, my own place, whether rented or bought. Lets cut as many ties as possible.
I'm not stalling in the belief or hope that H will decide to come back, b/c i know he wont and i dont want him back, i'm stalling from the point of view that its my & my kids comfort zone, its what we know, its our security, we dont want the change.
You should see H, he's working his a*s off to get the decorating & the jobs done, its a pity he couldn't do it previously.
I think the fog has lifted, he's walking about talking to people as if nothings happened, that pisses me off.
He emailed me yesterday about business and boy arrangements, i had to reply briefly and at the bottom i said
'i take it after sundays bbcue that you two are an item after all. When you said it was over before it even got started and you had no intention of going back to her, you were lying'.
I haven't heard back and i didn't expect to, I dont want to. I just wanted him to know that the news had fed back to me and that i knew and i wanted to point out that i knew he had lied again. It wont serve any purpose i know.
Any advice on what to do with my documents? Start the ball rolling or stall?
x
PS Jen - please email me the pictures, i'd love to see them. I've never being to a festival, but there is a first for everything.
xxxx
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Hi Evie, sorry to butt in but just wanted to say you can get a legal separation/financial separation done, this is not a D, but can at some stage be converted to one.
My advice would be to get the financials sorted sooner rather than later. It seems the WAW's have more guilt and are more ameniable in the beginning but later that wears off and some turn nasty.
I stalled and used every trick I could think of and it cost me a lot of money, not only because my H got really cross but also it meant more solicitors letters going back and forth and that costs money. I actually felt better once it was done. I was at least in control of my own finances. My H did the usual spend like there's no tomorrow (on a joint acount). I guess if you have children still at home and in education you will get to keep the house anyway. It is an awlful time but it does get better. Take care.
