One minute accusing me of using time with the kids for money while telling me that all kid expenses will be split 50/50 and not per rata of income (I haven't secured employment yet, but he'll probably easily make 4x as much as me) and then sending me an email including "I’m willing to pay for more than 1/2 of the kids everyday expenses across the board if I have them half time."
He's going to be quite disappointed to find that when it comes to child support his opinions aren't really going to matter! The good thing is that you don't even have to fight him on it, or argue with him. When the time comes it is going to be calculated, pretty much plug and chug, from my understanding.
cw, you should find the merry band on facebook. There's talk of a white water (easy) rafting trip in your neck of the woods in September! If you need any clues for finding them, give a shout!
Hi. I'm sorry these days are so hard. Summer used to be fun. It will be better next year. I want to reach out to you in some way, offer some peace.
How about on the house issue? You have so much going on in your life perhaps you could hold off on moving for now. Lock up your valuables and try not worry when he sneaks through.
It seems like you are really in control of more crap than any human should ever have to face and that is amazing. Your kids will always respect you. Life is good somewhere. You will be there soon. NYC for sure. Thank you for showing your strength. Deep breath.
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
I don't need to lock up the valuables, he's only emotionally twisted.
Regarding child support, it's weird. The formula numbers that my lawyer pulled up are not that encouraging. Actually, the temporary numbers are, but the permanent ones aren't. Less than 1/10th of his gross monthly income to the kids at 50/50 custody. After some calculations on an expected income for me (after being out of the work force for 7+ years) and the cost of housing in CA, I couldn't even get a lease for an apartment in our town because I wouldn't pull in 3x income as most management companies require. I'd either have to have my parents or my H co-sign. H does want to see me end up buying something following the sale of this house and is looking at what he'd have to do to allow that to happen.
Here's where things get sticky. I tell him that's all fine and good, but since it will be a weird situation (everything about our splitting is non-conventional) it would have to be iron-clad in writing so that a potential future girlfriend couldn't screw it up. He said, why would that happen? Me: H, you never know. she might not like ties to your ex, might try to get in between us/you and the kids, etc. Him: that's absurd. Why would that happen? Me: Happens all the time. Girl/boyfriend relationships can really f things up. H just doesn't want to think of anything except how he thinks it's going to be: the perfect divorce.
Another sticky thing is child support. It's woefully unfair. I would have less than $1000 after rent and child care to cover car expenses, my medical, 1/2 all kid expenses, car insurance, savings, etc. Yes, it can be done. But he'd have more than 5x that after his expenses. Fair? No. So my lawyer said that if you go before a judge, the judge is not allowed to use a formula. They must weigh about 12 factors in light of the marital standard of living, your needs, and his ability to pay. So, I could look at different levels of income for me, and how much I anticipate monthly expenses to be and then see if he could fill in the gap.
Unless we figure this out together, above and beyond the formula numbers, I'll be going to see a judge. I know I'd get a better deal for the kids and me. Hopefully this doesn't come off as too greedy. It's really not. But I'm almost 40 years old and after being quite comfortable financially for the past nine years, I'd be back to struggling while the person I supported sat back rolling in the dough after dumping my weight. Wrong.
CBK. texted you. was it right? Yes, dinner recommendations would be good. I'll be staying at the UN Millennium Hotel as part of a Dept. of Defense symposium being held at the UN.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
CW, I live in NYC and it would be so interesting to meet in person after all we've shared here! If you are interested in doing that (and I completely understand if you prefer not to) how would I get you my contact info without sharing it with the entire DB community?
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
If I was going for work, or by myself, I'd figure out a way. But it's a sisters' trip and I want it to be all fun, all the time. I might even make a rule that none of us can even talk about the upcoming divorce, my marriage, my stbx or anything. Well, maybe I can't, but not them.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
It would have to be iron-clad in writing so that a potential future girlfriend couldn't screw it up. He said, why would that happen? Me: H, you never know. she might not like ties to your ex, might try to get in between us/you and the kids, etc. Him: that's absurd. Why would that happen? Me: Happens all the time. Girl/boyfriend relationships can really f things up. H just doesn't want to think of anything except how he thinks it's going to be: the perfect divorce.
Hi cw. Sorry you have to go through this with your H. I have had similar convos with my H. He says "if another woman can't understand that you and D are important to me then she'll either have to deal with it or leave" BS! We all know that future relationships frequently have a lot of jealously for the previous S especially if there are children involved. The gf/bf will often do whatever it takes to ensure that they appear to care about the child and want the ex spouses to be friends just to "get" the other S but then if it gets to marriage the whole game changes.
We need to protect our children even if the stbx S doesn't understand.
Search for "sunshine".
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
It would have to be iron-clad in writing so that a potential future girlfriend couldn't screw it up. He said, why would that happen? Me: H, you never know. she might not like ties to your ex, might try to get in between us/you and the kids, etc. Him: that's absurd. Why would that happen? Me: Happens all the time. Girl/boyfriend relationships can really f things up. H just doesn't want to think of anything except how he thinks it's going to be: the perfect divorce.
Hi cw. Sorry you have to go through this with your H. I have had similar convos with my H. He says "if another woman can't understand that you and D are important to me then she'll either have to deal with it or leave" BS! We all know that future relationships frequently have a lot of jealously for the previous S especially if there are children involved. The gf/bf will often do whatever it takes to ensure that they appear to care about the child and want the ex spouses to be friends just to "get" the other S but then if it gets to marriage the whole game changes.
We need to protect our children even if the stbx S doesn't understand.
Search for "sunshine".
Jen
I hung with my next-door neighbors last night. They are a blast and such wonderful people, young retired grandparents. This weekend was their annual party with old friends. So it was me and 13 other people all much older than me. The age doesn't bother me, but the wisdom they have is obvious. These people love to have fun, live life and have gone through their ups and downs. One gentleman who was there I've met many times before. Said neighbors, G&R, have likened what H is doing to what "George" has done. Divorced his first wife, later regretted it, married again, divorced again. Still can't find his happiness. George and I spent a lot of time talking last night and I know if I was 15 years older, or if he was 20 years younger, he would have been hitting on me. Flattering a bit, but luckily too much space between us for that to cloud the picture.
George said that him divorcing his wife was flat out stupid. He was bored, looking for a reason for that and blamed his wife/married. As he gets older, he realized that he was the problem. He got married again, but that only lasted two years and they divorced because of his kids. They fought all the time about them and she finally gave him an ultimatum: her or the kids. Of course, he chose the kids. So now he's 60 and alone, just got a dog for companionship, looks for a partner all the while realizing that he let go the best thing he had and hurting his children forever because it never completely heals for them.
This morning when he left the neighbors, he told G&R that he wishes he could grab my H and tell him he's being stupid and making the mistake of his life.
And my H thinks that this divorce will be easy, everything will be wonderful afterwards and he'll never regret a thing. sigh
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
CW - I am new to your sitc - but I connected with you very fast - We have the same age, we live in the same area - married around the same, 2 small kids and a WAS. Incredible! I feel your pain, I have the same pain too. I told myself many many times that if there is a moment in life where I HAVE TO build a strong character this is the one. What helped me has been to deeply understand that I should stop having my imagination go crazy about what W is thinking or up to - I will never know. I bought books about seduction - I know... I know.... - but they made me feel in control again, now I have a new game that I play with W - Will I win? probably not, but I want to mess with her mind 3 times more than she did with mine. I tell you it can be fun. Your H should become the one wondering what YOU are up to.... he should wonder all the time: why did she do that?? Example, at the gym, probably he knew why you were friendly first and then you put yourself on the opposite side to stretch, like he wasn't there... I mean.... he was comfortable, everything was as expected, he was prepared for that. Wouldn't have been fun if you could shock him in some way? Stun him? Made him wonder? He is confident and you have to brake his confidence without mercy. Your old neighbors are surely wonderful wise people, and we all know that our S are just plain stupid in behaving like they do - but at the end everybody have what they want. Our S live in a different world, they see different things then us, and I am not say their world is more "fantasy" than ours, it is just different and if we try to "explain" what we see they don't understand, the same we cannot understand their world. Our goal it to DRAG them in our world, but for them to peek inside they need to wonder. Be strong - a year of this roller coaster is very hard - I'll try to keep up with your sitc.
