I'm okay. Not much to say. Tend to over-analyze but it's getting better. No time for GAL because I'm crazy busy and those obligations are making me frustrated and tired and nervous and depressed and lonely and out of sorts. I want it all to just go away so I can be alone and plant things in the garden or go for a hike or whatever.
Wish I didn't think so much about W, but of course I do. Am still trying to figure out how she feels, why she felt her actions over the past 8 months were the best course of action. Deep in my heart I believe the craziness of it all was due to OM - I can't see any other explanation for how she suddenly shut down and refused to work on things, even at those times when she was horribly conflicted about wanting to get back together. But there's a bigger wrench - her need for independence. And that was the killer. She felt smothered because M to her is too much compromise - the very thought of it made her want to flee, at least at this moment when she wants to spend all her time pursuing her ambitions. Her independence is also why things probably aren't advancing with OM - only time will tell. I once reminded her that my parents were separated for 2 years while they worked things out but she said she couldn't return to the R with conditions.
What I hate is that I knew all of this was possible. When I first met her, she was the OW in an affair. She's an incredibly smart woman, but horribly immature when it comes to her emotional life. She's told me this again and again. So what does that mean? It means she'll end up in affairs or being the other woman or not being willing to get through the tough times and ending relationships again and again.
The hard part, of course, is that I inspired something else in her. I showed her another way and we were together a long time, but then I fell down on maintaining that. So here we are.
I still am at the point where I really want her to realize what she's done, but I don't think she will. It's taken a long time for me to see that she doesn't even think about things she said to me a month ago, much less 6 months ago. So slowly I'm beginning to let go of that need to know she's feeling remorse.
That's how I am. Thanks for asking.
lodo
You're welcome, Lodo.
Man, your wife and mine do sound like they share a lot of the same traits. Especially this:
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She's an incredibly smart woman, but horribly immature when it comes to her emotional life.
and this, that YOU said, I could really relate to:
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Am still trying to figure out how she feels, why she felt her actions over the past 8 months were the best course of action. Deep in my heart I believe the craziness of it all was due to OM - I can't see any other explanation for how she suddenly shut down and refused to work on things, even at those times when she was horribly conflicted about wanting to get back together.
When my wife was having her affair, I kept saying -- to her, to our adult daughters, to my in-laws and to my own parents: I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU/SHE WANTS TO FLEE SO FAST -- what it is about this marriage that you/she finds SO horrible, that you/she has to run away from it as fast as you/she possibly can? I was like "Sure, we have had our challenges, and I'm not perfect, but if the best thing you can come up with (her complaints against me) are 'he spends too much time on his computer, and at those damned ballfields', then THAT is worth FLEEING from??? WTF????"
