Hey, guys. Sorry, I was a bit dark b/c I had my D this weekend. But, she's w/ mom now, so I can update everyone and answer some of your posts. Bizarre, Kalni, tomato, and Lodo. Thanks for checking in w/ me.
Hey, Kalni, I'm not sure if we'd add to the value of the house if you came over to help, but I am sure at some point we'd say "F-It" and just start drinking. Now, that would be fun.
Bizarre - I'm not going to paint, but I'm hoping she'll be civil and agree to having it done so I don't have to go all legal on her and stuff. She agreed under oath TWICE to adhere to the recommendations of the realtor, but today when I asked her about it she said "Dad thinks it is stupid to do b/c people will want to come in and paint it whatever color they want anyway. If they make a fuss, I'll come out and paint it for $1000."
I told W that in this depressed market we need to do whatever we could to make sure we don't turn anyone away and that includes neutralizing the house. I then got a bit emotional and started to crack (w/ some small tears) over the prospect of doing this myself and W asked what was wrong, so I told her it was too emotionally difficult for me to do. She asked why and I said b/c it is just another thing I don't want to do. I'm glad we ended it here b/c I would have started to cry, I think.
So, since then W has been very nice to me this evening, even chiming in w/ playful texts about D's eating everything and then joking w/ me on the subject on the phone. She is heartless at times and then has a heart at others. I wish she'd just make up her mind so I could choose to love her or hate her and be done w/ it.
However, I left our drop-off lower than I had been in a while. It was already a difficult day for me as drop-off days always are it seems. Today when D and I were at the pool we were surrounded by families all there together experiencing the joy of playing in the water w/ their kids. It was sad b/c I wasn't there w/ my entire family today. I miss that.
Anyway, on the way home I could see why so many people give up. I can see why my dad quit. I can understand why people just want to run away or kill themselves to end the pain. DON'T WORRY! I'm fine, but I was sad as I thought about it.
However, I don't know what the trigger was, but soon I became very, very angry about it. I said "How dare she treat me like I don't matter and don't have any feelings." I went straight to the gym, jumped on the treadmill and jammed "Rage Against the Machine" in my IPod and ran, and ran, and ran. I worked up a good sweat and during the cool down listened to the Smiths' "How Soon is Now?" and agreed w/ Morrissey and the boys when the sang "I am human and I need to be loved just like anyone else does." I do deserve to be treated better and it is up to me to make sure that happens.
So I think I'll put some signs up around here that remind me to just get pissed off when I'm wanting to be down and blue. It worked today, so it can work any day. I get to choose how I feel and if I can remember to get pissed, maybe I'll hit the gym instead of feeling down.
I understand the giving up. DON'T WORRY about me either. But I can see why that is a choice some would make.
LOL - I listen to Rage when I'm all worked up too. I run outside, though. Up really steep hills.
A good friend of mine who divorced 5 years ago said she used the hill method - worked herself up into a right-angry mood and tackled steep hills. Whatever works.
Rage really did the trick today. I'm going to see if I can work the angry angle b/c I've seen myself give in to being down instead of hitting the gym like I should. So, I'm going to ride it for a bit and see what comes of it.
As for the giving up thing, isn't weird how the human spirit can be so broken and our minds will allow us to honestly believe there is no hope of ever being happy again? I was in a pretty deep little funk today - to the point where I was going to cry and I thought "what would your suicide note read" - pretty weird stuff.
I'm not going to off myself b/c that is the worst thing I could do to my D, but the fact that we can feel so broken and then think so darkly so quickly is amazing and scary at the same time.
Hey, I'm done fighting sleep, so I'm out of here. I'll talk w/ you all tomorrow.
Get some rest, Lodo, my man. Haven't you done enough editing for one night?
Rob, I can imagine how it hurts you to see other families when you are with D. Try to realize that is all you see because you are sensitive to it. Maybe you should look into a group called Parents Without Partners. I know it helped a friend of mine, in fact she met her second husband there, but that is not what they are about. They deal with exactly what you are going through and give each other support. Maybe there is a group in your area. It is also great for the kids because they meet other families like theirs and do not feel so isolated
Hi Rob, I'm a bit worried about this talk, hey, dont listen to the Smiths if you feel that low! I like a bit of Rage against the Machine too and the Smiths, I danced to both last weekend! (god I was drunk, you'd have to be for that gear change!).
I'm sorry you feel so low, I am not surprised as you have had alot to deal with. At least your W is still communication with you, even if it isnt consistent. How is your IC going?
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thanks for checking on me. I've thought about groups and even discussed them w/ my C today, but I don't want to join anything until I relocate. Also, no need to worry about my offing myself, as I can't do that to my D. What would the note say? Tell D I'm a coward and a quitter? Not the way I want her to remember me, so that is definitely off the table.
What I was saying is I was able to understand how easy it is to let yourself get down and low and how I can empathize w/ those who never have the strength to get up again. However, I'm not one of those, but my C did say that "anger" is the wrong thing to do and I should be "assertive" instead of angry. So, I won't get "angry" when I'm down, but I'll be "assertive" and put myself in motion on those days.
My C and I also discussed how I was choosing to allow W's actions to affect me emotionally. I'm giving her too much power by reacting to her stuff, so I need to be more aware that she is unpredictable and quit expecting her to be normal. However I do wish she'd be more consistent so I could either still love her and work to get her to see me for who I am or just write her off completely and close the door. OH, well. It is good to dream, eh?
W was very nice to me after dropping off D and she did her usual "jokey" texts and playing around on the phone on Sunday. I also spoke w/ her briefly last night and she was emotional about seeing the dogs and explained that is why she hadn't been to the house to get things yet. I told her I'd work w/ her on that and we left off there on that subject. I also brought up the house painting and reminded her that we both agreed to do it under oath if it was recommened by the realtor and I asked her if she needed something from the realtor in writing and she said she'd be going to work tomorrow to check her e-mail and she'd get back to me. So, it is out there and I'm hoping she'll come to her senses, let me get it done and not make it ugly. However, I'll get muddy if I need to do so.
Today, I'm ok. I'll figure out some constructive things to do today and then I'm in the gym tonight to lift and do some cardio, so it will be ok. Last night, I saw the Happening but there was too much butter on the popcorn and I almost puked. I ended up tossing 2/3rds of a bag so I'd stop eating it. I think I still felt it this morning when I got up.
Oh, well. On to today. I've got to be "assertive" and remember that "life begins now."
Hey, I missed you falling off the wagon. But you are already back up again so I am glad I wasn't "around" when you did. I am always so mad at your wife I can't explain it (can you? I feel like I need to protect you somehow, weird). So, as you guys say here, when you don't have anything nice to say... stay quiet.
I know you care. You are a good friend to me. I'm glad you missed my little slip up b/c I know you'd like to kill my W...or at least bash her a good one in the nose. In fact, I'd pay to see that one.
I'm fine. I'm heading to the gym soon, so I'll be able to release some energy there.
