Ok guys, thanks for being there for me again. In advance, this post is still part venting!
I have continue to believe that I have things that I desperately need to change about me. A couple of years ago I was so depressed that I came very close to ending it all. Circumstances have changed only a little since then, but I can feel the pull back in that direction. This is where "manning up" comes in. Due to financial and work failures, I had lost all my self respect, which led to my wife losing all respect for me. This is what I have to work on now, for my own sake.
I had given away an essential part of my manhood and integrity at that point to try and make a living. I will not do that again.
When I really started thinking about what bothered me about my wife's tone, I realized that it was because she sounds exactly like she does when she is getting onto the kids. I am not her child and will not be treated as such. In the past, I always was passive agresive about this (recent past). Not a very manly thing to do. I had started fighting back in the same tone, which at least made me feel better. Now I realize the problem isn't so much that she is a b**ch, its that she is taling to me as a child. That indicates a much deeper issue in our relationship. That is what I need to fix. I am the only one who can restore my self respect and manliness. This has absolutely nothing to do with whether our marriage stands or falls. I need this for me.
In the meantime. Her asexuality is not going to change and I am going to stop frustrating myself with her. She has no desire to change nor can I lay down an utlimatum that I will stick to. Therefore the sexual status quo will remain. I am married to a blow up doll, sexually. Actually, it is worse than that, dolls don't complain and critisize.
I am going to work on fixing me as a man and a dad. That is it. She can rot and dry up for all I care.
I realize this is setting up one or both of us for an affair, but right now, I don't care.
