Some late-night, somewhat tired ramblings. But it feels good to get these thoughts out. Cathardic. Please forgive typos. 1) tired, 2) they messed up my new prescription a bit - too strong in one eye so things are a bit blurry at screen-distance.
It's been a bit since I"ve checked in on this forum, since I have several things going on in my life. i've been seeng a wonderful girl for a few weeks now. She was someone who I met as a friend, and we became more than that. My relationship with this new girl makes me happy.
She is well aware of all of the stuff that happened to me (qquite the story, mind you) in my marriage ending. So no secrets there.
I really like her. She's a beautiful, wonderful woman, whose personality really clicks with mine (and, oh man did I ever miss sex. Nine months without? Yikes. hehehe).
Thing is, I still occasionally find myself missing my ex-wife. Not really in a "I wish I had her back" way, but in a "I lost something, and it still hurts a bit" way. It may be too early for me to be dating, but it feels good. and I don't think that this new person will fix all of my problems, but it has been nine months since my wife and I separated. It's been about six since I realized that the marriage was not worth saving.
I think what I really miss is that it felt like I was doing what I wanted in life. I had a wife, was gearing up to go back to grad school, and had things on track. Kids were in the future, and I thought this was the woman who I would be with for the rest of my life.
...then things went south over the course of a year or so. I had my problems, but the more I look at how th ings have been presented, the more I realize that she was (*conciously or not) pushing me into a corner.
I'm trying to deal with these feelings in a way. I know I will never have her back. I don't want the person she is now back. I miss the person I loved. And I loved her a great, great deal.
It's confusing.
Maybe it's because I'm only 26, and my divorce was the first real "breakup" I've had (other was dating a girl for a month and then breaking up. Started dating my ex shortly there-after). I haven't really expereinced the gauntlet of breakup emotions until now.
...I also likely have to resign myself to the fact that a part of me will probably always love my ex, won't it?
