Yep.... it is a confounding situation how involved in ministry they can be and still hold their heads up high. I can't help but feel there is a bigger lesson in this for those of us who are left to watch them.... but I'll be danged if I've been able to see what that might be yet. I know in my heart that God has a plan for me and that it is for the good.... so whatever there is to endure in the present.... I try to keep that at the forefront of my mind and it helps me to cope with the difficult times.
My H is a hospital chaplain and in the process of becoming an episcopal priest (recently he converted from Catholicism in order to pursue priesthood). Three months ago he changed hospitals for a better job--little did I know how much it would disrupt MY life! While getting a tour of his new place, he met an old flame from his seminary days. She's a NICU nurse, and over 20 years ago he left his Catholic seminary when he fell in love with her. To make a long story short, this chance meeting led to a few in-depth conversations. Eventually they talked about further "exploring their feelings" for each other (we all know what that means), pledging to do so from a base of "honesty and healthiness" and perhaps planning to spend the rest of their lives together. Two days after that conversation, H dropped the bomb on me--ILYBINILWY, I need space, I'm not happy, I want a separation. Denied having an affair, still denies having an affair--says she refused to have an affair with him because she "doesn't do that." He's sent her several Druid prayers; she practices Wicca. Since he moved out, it's become a physical affair, altho he still claims nothing is going on. I guess once he moved out she no longer considers us married or something.
He's euphoric and giddy in love, and that's all that really matters to him right now.
So, since the beginning of March, H has changed jobs, changed denominations, started an affair, left his family. He claims he feels wonderful and free having thrown off the constraints of his old job, his old church and his old marriage and is "living into his honesty" (wth does that mean?) He has described all these changes as "taking off an old coat that no longer fits." I am finding a bit of ironic humor in the situation--my H, hospital chaplain, priest wanna-be, leaves his family for a Wiccan woman because he believe it's their destiny finally to be together.
Hope I didn't hijack your thread; just thought I'd respond to the "ministry with MLC" issue.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
That's some story and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I am Catholic and this is at least the 3rd time that I have recently been told that a person who left the seminary has ended up at some point in full blown MLC. It must have something to do will feelings that they felt had been repressed.
You know, he can spin it anyway he likes as most of them do but it's still a pile of crap. This is not your fault. This is all on his shoulders. Do you have children?
WOW!!! I am so very sorry this has happened to your family. There is simply no preparation for the feelings of betrayal. I so hope that you haven't given up your faith. For me, it's been very shaky at times but honestly the only thing I had to pull me through the valley. There have been times where the anger and unforgiveness were boiling so hot within me I wanted to lash out even at God for allowing it. But in His mercy he knew my pain and my heart and He wouldn't let me go. There are some times that we just have to "be still" and know that He is. Some how some way this will all work out for your good.... just believe and trust in Him.
As for your H.... the enemy got a foothold and is doing everything possible to rip him apart. He needs a lot of prayer. The enemy doesn't bother to attack those who pose no threat... keep H lifted up in prayer that God will give him the strength to find his way back.
How are you holding up in all of this? Do you have a family and friends closeby for support? These boards have many wise people to offer advice and support. If you haven't read Michelle's book... get it. The principles will help you as an individual just as much as offering advice to help the marriage. Keep posting, keep reading and keep praying!!
Hang in there... you and your family will be in my prayers.
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
I wonder if it's because they spent so much time sitting on the fence about leaving seminary--then being perpetually ticked off because they can't "have it all," then they decide eventually that they're entitled to whatever they want because they're full of resentment. I've known a few who have never gotten married--which makes one wonder why they didn't just stay and become priests. Lots of unresolved stuff.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Well everything that LNF just wrote is spot on. I have no idea how anyone can get to the other side without their faith.
and hoosiermom, they all have an entitlement issue when they are going through this, so you're tight about that. Maybe some are to guilt ridden to ever remarry. That doesn't mean that they haven't had affairs. Maybe he was in the seminary to begin with for all of the wrong reasons. Possibly he felt that that's what was expected and that he had no other choice. Now all of this anger that he's stuffed down for feeling as if he always did what others wanted is coming out. What I do know is that these issues came into play way before you were ever in the picture. Unfortunately you are the one he can do something about and you happen to be in the line of fire.
LNF is so right. Keep praying and keep coming here for support.
Thank you. No, I haven't lost my faith in the least. I work in ministry as well, mostly pastoral care, and I couldn't do it if I didn't have some peace about suffering. This isn't God's fault, and I'm sure He's weeping along with D and me. This is poor choices, poor priorities, unbridled narcissism, and the temporary insanity that is MLC. And maybe the enemy at work as well. Good always triumphs, love is far more powerful than anything else. God will provide me with the strength I need to get D through this, and I hope H will eventually find healing. However, I know it will be a long road, and he has to walk it by himself.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I hear what you're saying, and I do know guys who fit that picture. But for H, he was in seminary--then monastery--because he was "special" and deserving of all the attention priesthood offered. Spirituality and service were never a part of it for him--still aren't. He never expressed any guilt for leaving, but did have a lot of anger that less gifted men (even a few outright wacky ones) got to do what he wasn't allowed to do. He never worked through that, really, and remains very angry at the Catholic church. I remember telling him that he needed to resolve that before entering the episcopal process, but it just made him angry. Over the past few years H was angry with me at times because I didn't feel the need to change denominations--poor boundaries. A couple weeks back he was mocking me about something I was doing--"isn't that against your religion?"
He'll have little guilt about remarrying--he's always had far too much sense of entitlement to feel guilty about anything. What he could learn from all of this--if he's open to doing so--is that his actions can cause tremendous pain to those who love him, and that the world doesn't revolve around him. He could actually grow up. But it will take a long time, and he'll have to make some hard choices--and I'm not sure he has it in him.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
