Potatoes are taking forever to cook....glass of wine #2...
Okay, about your other queries, KAW:
How do I picture my life being like if I truly felt I was as happy as I can be?
Excellent question...I suppose it would look something like it does now. Improvements would be: more affection and flirting, more physical touch including sex, the filling of love tanks...in particular I feel that a few of mine are down some...not exactly sure about CJ's. Although he DID reply to an e-mail of mine that he really enjoys our discussions over dinner and wine.
There would probably be a bit more adventure too, as boredom has been a big issue in the past, particularly for me. Lately, not so much...gee, woner if the bb is helping fill a need???
What else seems to be working is the e-mail contact, although I wonder if there are "Ghosts" attached to that for CJ, he did meet and woo both OW on-line after all.
What am I doing to get there?
Keeping up a postiive PMA, just going with things sometimes, what I did earlier about the lost post (that would have been a major blow out in years past, trust me...and pretty much all my doing).
ALSO...earlier I as about to empty the dishwasher, and realized I'd MUCH rather be on the bb instead. So I decided to ask CJ to take care of the dishes after dinner (He's usually cool with that, especially when I cook)...he'll have to take care of that then.
Not payback...but rather a decision to NOT build resentment.
Now, about my new thread title...will give that some thought.
Time to check on the stew.
Shiny
P.S. KAW did you have any idea your post would spur this much activity??? Thanks!
Uh oh! ... Shiny, I didn't mean to get things all riled up for ya last nite! ...
... and you caught me off guard with your response. I do wish I had time now to give you the proper response you deserve now, but alas I'm going on vacation next week, so I'm quite busy today at work tying up loose ends ... stopped for a quick peek while on lunch. Will check back in as soon as I can...
Hi, shiny! Long time no see! I remember posting to your thread a long time ago, and now that I'm here at Piecing, I wanted to say hi.
Thanks for welcoming me to Piecing. It's good to be here. Boy, you've really been through the ringer, too. It's heartening to see some other folks who have gotten more than one bomb or who have been through more than one separation (not that I like to see other people having to go through it, but it's nice to know that piecing can still happen and be successful despite more than one bomb/separation.)
It sounds like the physical intimacy part of it is the biggest issue and biggest disappointment for you as you are piecing. Did I read right that CJ admits to low sex drive and he has tried Viagra? Is he willing to look into other treatments?
Otherwise, it sounds like you're dealing with pretty standard marital squabbles--disagreements over chores, time spent together, etc. Not to minimize how upsetting that can be, but just a reminder that there will _always_ be points of contention and that there will _never_ be perfection.
Also nice to have another psychologist around here!
Stopping by with cherry danish for ya -- zap it in the microwave for a sec, mmmmmmmm....
You've been a wonderful friend over on my thread. Not sure I thanked you properly. Want U to know your words mean a lot to me.
You are so right about letting go -- it's key.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am grateful for the chance this horrible nightmare of my marital crisis has given me -- to let go of resentment.
To find a way to let go of resentment -- I would have paid any price. It's beyond horrible to live angry, embittered and frustrated, like I did.
If it took my H leaving for me to make some changes, well... I'm glad I didn't "check out" but instead LEARNED SOME LESSONS.
You've been a big help. Thanks so much for spending all this time with us.
I'mmmm baaaack ... OK, let's get down to the nitty gritty, shall we?
Quoting shinybear: CJ’s been doing his on-line MA for about 4 weeks now. It was supposed to be a 10 hour a week commitment. Try quadrupling that or more!
Does that mean he may accomplish getting his MA in one fourth the timeframe?! If so, is that worth the trade off?
Quoting shinybear: But since he started, his contributions to the household have dropped significantly ... The house is pretty much a mess.
I can relate to this one!! I'd come home and all kinds of toys in the yard, bike laying in the driveway so I couldn't pull in with the car. Open the door only to have something right there on the floor. As soon as I was in the door, I would go off about on D9 & W about all the crap laying around the house inside and out. The next day it was more of the same. Was stressing me out big time and CAW got the point she dreaded my arrival. Now, I overlook much of it ... move what I need to out of my way or just step over it and you know what ... I found out its worth getting all worked up over. I can let it go for now and concentrate on settling in first. I make a point of not saying anything until after dinner. That way I'm not so stressed out and then I address it calmly with D9 directly and ask CAW if she needs a help with what she was to be taking care of. If she takes me up on my offer, I graciously join her and found out that even doing chores together can be a way to enjoy more time together. Its changed the whole attitude in the household when I get home now and I've noticed the obstacle course to get in the house isn't as challenging as it use to be.
The one thing that doesn't work is keeping a scorecard mentality. If its something that really important to you, then ask yourself ... OK how can I chip in so he wants to take care of these things too. Use more of a honey vs vingar approach. I've discovered while I had to share more of doing the things she was expected to do at first, she then started doing them more and more on her own.
Just like the outcome with the cable modem, much of the time when resentment starts to swell, its a matter of keep quiet, riding it out, and then looking at how you can go about approaching differently in order to diffuse the resentment rather letting it grow. Just last week, I had lost a big post myself. Now if I have a large post I make sure I copy it into Notepad or Word before trying to send. Its a way of doing what I can in my sphere of influence in order to minimize my expectations from others. It reduces my feelings of disappointment and resentment while striving to hold myself to a higher standard.
Quoting shinybear: Although he DID reply to an e-mail of mine that he really enjoys our discussions over dinner and wine.
This is an important detail to keep in the back of your mind. In the chapter about "Asking for what you want" or in other words, improving communication, atmosphere and timing are very important to how they receive what we are telling them. So the next time, you have a sensitive subject to discuss (like maybe some intimacy issues), you might want to try working it in at this time, as he is relaxed enough to look at the topic in a different light than he has before.
Quoting shinybear: There would probably be a bit more adventure too, as boredom has been a big issue in the past, particularly for me. Lately, not so much...
This is a big one for us too. I think what we need to do here is to not lose our new found impulsiveness ... remain spontaneous ... make sure we do the things we come up with on a moments notice some of time rather than keep putting them aside because of something we should be taking care of. Because of all the time CJ is putting into this on-line MA, he might run into this...
You and CJ do seem to be in a good place now and really it now its about doing more of what you know works.
Lol! I even forget I am haphazard sometimes and can't even find my own posts! I don't know what made me pick that alias, I just feel a bit that way sometimes - like my life is a mess LOL!
The weather is HOT HOT HOT here too we northerners are just not used to it are we!
Good news about CJ's assignment
yours haphazardly
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
HI Bridget!...feels like I haven't visited you forever! I'm not sure I deserve any praise!!
Hi Fran, glad I'm not the only one thrown off by those cryptic handles!
Hey KAW....nice to have your back!
1) No, the quadrupling of the hours CJ's putting into this course will have NO effect on when he finishes. It's just contributing to his excellent marks. Perhaps giving him more time to work on the applied project portion.
2) The house being a mess is a joint effort. I'm not much of a neatnik myself. ...just that for a few months HE was doing more of the cleaning and I really liked that. (Acts of Service!!)
But REALLY, over the last year I have let go of a lot of my "standards" for what the house should look like. I too had the realization that some of it was petty and not worth making a big deal of.
Now I've tried all kinds of tactics...of late it's just wait it out until he does some stuff (like the vacuuming on Friday) or until I can't stand it anymore and start doing it myself. (Actually the vacuuming followed my cleaning of the kitchen and diningroom).
Now I TRIED a little "honey" with some yard work on Friday evening. I'd already been out there for a couple of hours, came in for some water, mentioned tackling the large milk weeds out back (ready to seed). CJ suggested bagging them as I went along, mentioned the bag holder we have, set it up for me.
At first he was just filling the bag (with stuff I'd yanked) and then I said, playfully "Why don't we see who can make a bigger pile of weeds!!! ". CJ kind of shrugged, but pulled up some weeds from the veggie garden. I was just getting started, when he said he'd had enough, mosquito bit him.
So I persevered out there until it was too dark to see. Not sure what point I'm making, but it would have been nice if he'd have gotten into the fun spirit I was trying to create, nice if he'd have helped out more!! Some of that is HEAVY work.
3) Good news on the boredom/spontenaity front:
Yesterday we were invited to our pals for darts (same old, CJ isn't overly fond of the W, tends to be long-winded and a bragger)....But while having dinner out I called our other pals D and H and they were heading out to another pal's camp for a swim.
(Yes Fran, it's still ungodly hot here, too).
Usually, I'd probably want to do the "safer thing" with less prep, less of a drive etc. But I could sense CJ didn't want to do darts, so I said "Why not? Let's go, just grab our suits, clothes, booze and go!"
So we did, and had a fun time for it. Ran over a skunk on the way home, but that's another (funny...not for the skunk!) story.
Well today is another scorcher. We're going to the local Fair to check out booths (not much for rides), and watch my nephew in yet another music competition!
He said we need to yell, as part of the judging is audience support....can you tell I can hoot and holler with the best of them? ...Sure wish I could learn that finger-whistle deal.
Now if you figure out how to motivate him to help LET ME KNOW!
Maybe their isn't a competitive bone in his body so he wasn't interested in trying to get the biggest stack of weeds. Or maybe he just didn't want to pull weeds at all!
Ok, I'm not making sense and I should be cleaning my bathroom or doing laundry!
Sounds like a cool weekend anyway.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
That's pretty much it, Pam...he didn't feel like doing it. Went for a bike-ride instead. He asked if I wanted to go, but I said no I'm on a roll here, catch the sunset. So he did.
I remember exactly what that feels like...when I was a kid and had to help my mom. ...But this is OUR yard and I'm tellin' you if I didn't get out there as often as I do it really would be a jungle!!
Had fun at the Fair today, just walked around, took in the half-hearted and sometimes absent yelps of the carnival barkers. It is HOOOOOT again. Very humid, too. Not much into gambling, don't really want a stuffy anyway, don't do the rides...so it's pretty much a $20 corndog!
BUT this time we got to watch the youth talent competition. My Nephew and his partner rocked the place!! and we Hooted and whistled like mad (25% of their mark was for audience response). Alas the top three spots went to female vocalists. No extra points for original compositions....Had a blast anyway, cool kid .
