Number 8, still too late for DB to work.

[cw68]

Half answer, half journaling...

The GALing has been made more difficult by the kids being out of school. We've been doing lots of things, things we never did as a family. Going to the local evening market in our hometown, the weekly outdoor concert and the like that H never was motivated to go to and it rubbed off on me.

What I've been doing for myself is starting the job search. Getting my references and resume pulled together, trying to whittle away on projects around the house, continuing to set up playdates, and other mundane things like doctor appts, etc. I did a beer tasting with a friend Weds night, but needed a weekend to nurse my feelings this weekend. Next Saturday I am going to NYC for a getaway with my sisters. Really looking forward to it.

I'm done. It has been almost one year of hell and I can't take it anymore. The things H has pulled the past few days has pushed me over the edge. One minute accusing me of using time with the kids for money while telling me that all kid expenses will be split 50/50 and not per rata of income (I haven't secured employment yet, but he'll probably easily make 4x as much as me) and then sending me an email including "I’m willing to pay for more than 1/2 of the kids everyday expenses across the board if I have them half time." He just keeps showing me that the kids and their best interest isn't his number one priority.

It finally hit me that he's been telling me for almost a year he doesn't want me, that I'm not worth keeping and neither is the family we have. It's getting easier and easier to abhor him as I watch him tear apart our family piece by piece. With every step he makes, he becomes less and less a man worthy of my love and pride. He's the one who is messed up. I am worth fighting for and he's throwing me away. Our family is worth everything and yet he's throwing it away. I have reached my point where I'm done with trying to save our marriage. I now have to save myself.

I saw him while working my front desk shift at the gym today and only spoke to him pleasantries as he walked in. After my shift was over I went to stretch before lifting weights and walked right past him, not looking at him and sat at the mat farthest from him. I could tell him was looking at me. I acted "as if." As if he wasn't there.

After lifting and having a beer at the club with some friend, I return and see he was in the house while I was gone. I've asked him a million times, including just yesterday, to tell me when he is going to be in the house when I'm not here. So I texted him, asking him to please tell me when he's going to be in the house. He responded that he would ask permission before doing so again. I told him it was his house, he was paying for it, I just wanted to know because it's freaky to come home to lights on, etc. That I had asked him numerous times before and I hoped this time he would stick to his answer but that that this was the last time I was going to ask, that my head hurt from banging it against the wall. He responded, fair enough.

He did this after just yesterday us going through this. He told me that he thinks sometimes he does (or doesn't) do things that he doesn't realize are inconsiderate. That it isn't intentional but that he doesn't think careful enough about the impact of his actions.

That really sums it all up. I'm sick of asking for him to return, a man who can't think of the impact of his actions. Who only does what suits himself. I deserve better. I definitely don't deserve this.