Ready for the long ride.

[LucasE]

Hi. Well it has been seven months. I'm still lost. However, there are positive things that I want to list just to see if anyone sees something.

W used to wear high heels every day, after dumping me. That stopped.
W used to be angry at me. That stopped.

It seems like I'm right on track according to DR. According to the rest of the world, I should give up. I did a number 1 "DON'T" today. I spent too much time alone. I was able to sound upbeat when she called. I did another "DON'T" right then, I answered. Gosh darn it, I like to talk to her. I did get off the phone first, sort of.

This is where we are: Separated. At six months, full of jet lag from South Africa, I decided I wanted to know how she felt. She said that she enjoyed doing things together as a family but we would never be intimate again. Classic backsliding followed. I argued. I told her she was wrong. I probably begged and pleaded. I couldn't help myself. She let me know that she was aware that I was putting all of my energy into getting her back and that she was using all of hers to get away. Oh? I was actually surprised that it was so obvious. I actually believed I was pulling off the distancing act. She cried guilty tears and left. I knew then what I had done wrong. She texted me an apology which got all my hopes up again. The text told me to back off. It just doesn't come naturally. Since then I have gone back to my distancing which hopefully is working better this time. I can say that it feels more real to me this time. I know that that is the point. It has to be real or it is useless. These things must come from within. I must do them for myself and the kids.

I read a great post from a WAW earlier today. She said two things that stuck with me today.
1. When you change something and expect her to notice, she wonders why it took something so terrible to change something and therefore was a reminder of the pain caused rather than the big turnaround that I always expect. OK. Got it.
2. Do the changes for real or she will see it as manipulation. Right.

Now we talk once a day on the phone and it is almost always pleasant. Safe topics only, of course. Even that is making sense to me now. Tomorrow W hands the kids to me for 13 days. She is going to be out of town working. I believe the work will build up her confidence and make her happy with herself. Six months ago I would have been afraid that all that independence would give her strength to leave. Now I know that if she is happy with herself, she can be happy with us. Or not. At least there is a chance. It has taken me six months to figure that out.
I have been more depressed than ever lately. I'm not sure if I am losing faith or feeling closer but not enough or accepting my new separated life. It sure is a drag. I want to fix this family but she is just not ready. One friend said that I chose DB because it had the success stories I wanted to hear. He said I could have just as easily found "lost cause dot com" or something. I hope he is wrong. DB has delivered on all of it's promises so far. Softening. Patience. Yes, yes.
Good Luck to all of you. L