Just checking in on you. Did you look at the books I suggested?
How are things outside the marriage? I know you have lots of financial pressure - do all that you realistically can to deal with it. You always have to have a plan. That might seem strange advice on an SSM website, but its not really. I used to let my own unhappiness distract me from doing what I had to do in this department. It became a very convenient excuse, and my procrastination eventually caused real problems.
But I got through them, and in the process taught myself some really effective mental tools - one of which is this.
Learn to "empty your head" frequently.
When at work, "empty your head" of any problems at home and focus on doing the very best you can do.
When with your kids, "empty your head" of everything but being a cool and loving dad.
When at the gym, "empty your head" of everything but pushing your body to the limit for that hour or whatever it is.
When spending time with your wife, "empty your head" of all past resentment. Really. Forget all those difficult years. They are gone. Today is all there is. Speak and act from the warm fuzzy depths of you that still love her (despite all her faults) as your wife of many years and the mother of your fantastic children. "Empty your head" of all the negative stuff and gift her with your very best attention, presence and emotion. That doesn't mean you're being some kind of wimp - quite the opposite. It means you are incredibly strong and powerful and able to summon up love for her as an act of will.
This also ties in with what DanceQueen said:
"But instead of ever realizing that I was half or more of the problem at that time, I would still just simmer and stew about how he wouldn't man up. Instead of ever realizing that he needed to man up a LOT, he just simmered about how I held the keys to our sex life and (he felt) I dangled them in front of his face, laughing.
If only I could have stepped out of myself, forgiven him for the past, and truly TRULY from my heart - tried to put it together again with NO BITTERNESS.
Well...I couldn't do that. We are divorced. It was horrible, way worse than I thought it would be.
Please - I'm telling you straight up - no matter how much you think you've already tried everything you can, the one thing you haven't tried yet is just forgiving her and starting over from a place of love only."
You see NTE, every troubled marriage needs someone to break the cycle, to be the hero. I suggest that in this marriage its obviously you.
I hear what you're saying about the typical kind of sex you have with your wife. Been there, done that. I empathise.
Which leads me to wonder what you're thinking while this is going on. What vibes are you sending out, what kind of spirit are you doing it all in?
What my own "journey" has taught me is the very powerful place of the mind in dictating human experience. Everything in human history started in the mind. Everything. Maybe you need to change the way you think while having sex.
Next time, make a deliberate and conscious effort to empty your head. Ditch the resentment, and the apprehension that this will be like all the other times. Resolve that this time will be different.
Focus on all the things about your wife that you love - her qualities, her body. Imagine your whole body filling up with love for her. And then just give it all to her. Firmly but sensually, without panic, without rushing - kissing, squeezing, wrapping of legs and arms, penetration, thrusting... - through it all visualise and feel and see yourself emptying all that love into her.
Try making love to your wife in this way, and see if you or she feel the difference.
Good luck,
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
