Hi, I'm new to the forum.

[The Wifey]

Hi. My name is Kelly Jo. June 2nd my H asked for S. I spent 17 hellish days before he actually left. I made all the mistakes - begged, pleaded, cried and threw myself at him sexually. I didn't eat or sleep for two full weeks and had what I call a mental breakdown. I drank about a quart of wine and took at least 15 vicoden. I was convinced that I was 100% at fault and that he would be better off without me. H found me on the kitchen floor and took me to the ER. I know - very, very stupid! This will NEVER happen again.

After 2 days in Intensive Care I came home, packed and went to my mom's. Realized I couldn't live with mom, came home. H left this Thursday. Up until the minute he walked out I tried to convince him we could only work on us if he stayed.

H says this isn't the end, its a new beginning. He loves me, always will, we have a connection. We have been together 26 years, married 21. (S is 19, just finished freshman year of college and is very upset.) We are just two different people H says. Very independent and separate. Few shared interests, etc.

Read a very good book, "Why Men Love Bitches" that I wish I'd had when I was 16! It makes me realize that I have basically been the nice girl since I was 16. Bitch isn't about being mean, its about caring more about yourself and expecting to be treated right. I see so many mistakes I've made from day one!!!!!

I am meeting with a C to work on me. I would very much like to have the M get back on track because I love him so very much, but I have to be okay whether he comes back or not. Just ordered the DB book, haven't received it yet. SOOOOOOOO glad to have found these forums. For the first time I felt hope instead of hopelessness.

Should add we'd had a S in 2004. I'd run up credit card debt and he found it. H was understandably angry and told me he was done with me when S graduated from Highschool. I left. Gone 4 months. He begged me to come back. We had MC and the counselor labelled him as verbally abusive. Things were so good when I finally came home (or so I thought). H says now he bottled things up so as not to be an abuser.

I've made a ton of mistakes then and now and I know that. I also realize that it takes 2 to tango and that he hasn't exactly been working at the M either. H has good "friends" and situation at work, though I am convinced there is no OW (thank GOD!). Now has a motorcycle and takes off in am on the weekend and comes home at dark.

I'm looking forward to the support as I enter the roller coaster. I'm glad to have found this forum. I'm a flawed person, but I love him deeply and would really like to grow old together. I've given you the unvarnished facts about me. Hope that doesn't turn anyone away, but I think I have to be clear that I know I have faults and take responsibility for them.

I also realize that I and our M are worth the work it will take to put it back together. Thanks to the book I already read and the forums I read, greeted him this morning as a friend, AS IF and no tears. H looked surprised that I seemed to be ok. The great thing is that so far I really am OK!

He washed his motorcycle after we had coffee together, gave me a kiss and left. He hasn't come back for his car yet. Don't know when he will be back and am seriously thinking I would go somewhere and not be here when he gets back. It's now after 6 and I don't want him to think I was waiting for him. Supposedly wanted to come back, mow the lawn and change the oil on his car.

I'm feeling like the bitch.