He left then Cheat 2

[No Longer BH]

Karen, how I wish that were the way it was. I would rather find the joy in this mess than the despair that I continually feel. Although it is getting better with each day. I still cant let go of him though. I am detaching much better but my heart just doesnt want to believe that he just is not good enough for me.

From what I have read, I will get there but is sure is one h$ll of a long journey.

[No Longer BH]

I think I just came to a realization. I think the reason WE still feel love and our WAS dont is because we have been the ones cultivating the feelings while they let it die. We were growing the feeling inside of us by doing things for our partners and they let it fizzle out by only doing things for themselves.So my point is, we feel love for them not because of them but becasue of US. They dont love us, not becasue of us but because of THEM!

It's an AH-HA moment.

[Sara]

Yes. Have you ever read the children's book The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery? That is the message of that book. Love comes from the doing for another.

[No Longer BH]

No wonder my H is so empty inside. He is always looking for the reward whenever he does something for somebody. The "you're such a great guy. Wow you really are special." Nothing is done unless he can be sure to get a pat on the back or he thinks it makes him look good in the eyes of other. It must be a very exhausting life to live that way....always filled with anxiety on if you are going to be good enough and liked enough. No wonder he doesnt have any close friends. Doesnt know how to truly love. Sad when you think about it. I guess that is why I am not angry with him, sure I dont like the choice he has made, but I think he is making them out of desperation.

[Hope4us]

I think I just came to a realization. I think the reason WE still feel love and our WAS dont is because we have been the ones cultivating the feelings while they let it die. We were growing the feeling inside of us by doing things for our partners and they let it fizzle out by only doing things for themselves.So my point is, we feel love for them not because of them but becasue of US. They dont love us, not becasue of us but because of THEM!

It's an AH-HA moment.

I think you hit the nail on the head here BH. I know that's pretty much the case in my sitch. I used to do all the housework, grocery shopping, manly stuff etc and she'd come home and find fault with the way I cleaned the bath tub or some stupid thing like that. It's like nothing was ever good enough. That's what makes me wonder just why I want to make this work.

[No Longer BH]

I guess that is why they say it starts about them but ends with finding us. Wish I was at the found stage.......

[No Longer BH]

I found a book that describes my H personality to a tee...the always people pleasing. It talks about how people like this in times of great crisis in their lives will turn to sex to gain relief (porn addiction, chronic fantasising, and then eventually an A....all my H has done). It also talks about how to break the self destruct cycle and to move on to a better R and a happier life. I want to give it to my H's IC so that she can pass it on to him. Coming from her he would be inclined to read it and take it seriuosly. Do you think this would be ok if I did that?

[No Longer BH]

I found another post that made me feel really good so thought I would share it with others. I was written by a WAW talking to a woman about her WAH and what the OW is thinking:

I been an OW - kinda - well he wasn't married but I WAS. (Im not perfect. I know this.)

So I figure I can answer your question - hes not himself, no. I wasn't when when my "new man". It felt good, because I could "be" who I always "wanted to be". I could be cool. I could kind. I could be the person I always wanted to be - the person I wished i was. I was funnier, brighter, smarter, shinier. I was sexier, more charming, more fun. I wasn't mother, wife or daughter. I was an interesting, amazing person. It makes you drunk. You want to feel like that all the time, a diferent person, a better person, a person with more energy, life and interests, a more INTERESTING person full stop. of course you justify yourself a lot, you got to.

In my experience, you dont want to talk about the wife/husband. THats a bad idea, reminds you of who you really are, reminds you that really you feel pretty crap about yourself. you avoid conversation about the partner. Or, you lie about the partner because you have no choice. to justify yourself you got to villianise the partner. How else would your actions look remotely acceptable? lying doesn't feel great so its best to avoid all conversation about the partner at all. they become the invisible elephant in the room.

In my experience it doesnt last because the stress of being somone you really arent wears you down. you become bogged down with the act, tired of it all, and it becomes harder to hide your feelings of distress or guilt. That leads to questions from the other person you dont want to answer and in turn that leads to more pressure on that relationship as secrets begin to mount. the married partner becomes a hidden enigma to the other person. The other person wonders about you as much as you wonder about them. trust me voice of experience here.

Just as you wonder what its like between them the other person wonders what it WAS like between you. They wonder if they are anything like you, and feel ambivalent about it - on one hand they are flattered to be told they're not because the new partner now hates you and reviles you but on the othre hand they wonder if thats true how the person could have stayed for so long. Doubts about how crappy the marriage REALLY was creep in and the need for more and more reassurance mounts, which makes the married one more and more reluctant to speak of you because it means more lying. more fakery.

The relationship with her is nothing whatsoever like the relationship he had with you. not even remotely. its true its more exciting and sexy and vital. But its also true that its built upon deceit, pain and lies. And true love does not involve a single one of those components. Their relationship becomes more and more defensive as time goes on. Can it survive? sure some do. but most dont. As time goes on the ability to constantly be who you want to be but who you really are not becomes harder to maintain until its obvious the relationship is built on nothing but smoke and mirrors. Unless the couple can adjust to the "reality" of it all then it crumbles into dust, as the other person is usually left quite disullusioned. After all they are in love with someone who doesn't even exist. In love with an act.

Dont dream its all champagne and roses. It MIGHT be hot sex true - but sex is much like a good movie, great at the time but fades very quickly and after a time you get sick of it anyhow and it becomes the norm. Nothing that exciting.

you loved him faults and all she most certainly did not. she has a lot of unpleasant surprises in store doesn't she.

[No Longer BH]

If you could not tell by now, I have been reading alot. Been trying to find things to lift my spirits because I was feeling kinda down. Here is a quote I came across that spoke to me:

As the legend goes, one evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said:

"My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

"The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought for a moment and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee replied simply, "The one you feed."

[Hope4us]

Thanks for sharing this BH.

I see my WW in that letter. She's said to me that "I've discovered who I really am and will not change for anyone". I just asked her "who asked you to change other than ending your affair"?

I think that letter hit it right on the head, especially for WAS's who have been married for a long time and were in a generally happy marriage. The affair lets them be all the things they aren't. That's why once the fantasy wears off it most times ends. They aren't "in love" with the OP, they're "in love" with how the OP makes them feel.

I also think that's why exposure of the affair can have such a significant affect on the affair. If the spouse is having those feelings like were described, when reality hits them between the eyes it's sometimes enough to show the fantasy for what it is. To have your kids, parents, the OP's spouse, your best friends, all looking at you it has a way of causing enough internal conflict that it ends the affair.

Just my .02