Didn't get to run yesterday because we got hit with a pretty bad storm. It was refreshing actually. I love storms.
But in a few minutes, I'm going to walk down to the gym with the kids and run on the treadmill and do some weights while the kiddos play in the adjoining play room. It has a window so I can see them which is nice. I really need to work off these girl scout cookies I've been living on. lol Looks like it is going to rain again today. Tonight, my son's girlfriend is coming over for a girl's night (he's up north with his Dad for the summer) and will go to church with us tomorrow. She's a great girl and thinks I'm wonderful. :-) She's really helpful, too, so it makes it extra nice when she comes over because I have an extra set of hands to help me.
I've been feeling depressed and falling into some "more of the same" traps in my thinking (and actions). Am having so much trouble resisting the temptation to check his email and messenger every day and the myspace pages of women he's either currently involved with or has been in the past. It's been awhile since I did that and now I feel like in a flash, I got sucked back in to it. I'm wondering if subconsciously I'm sabotaging my DB because I am afraid to believe that he will want to come back. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to be a "snooper" anymore. Not because he deserves his privacy. Puh-leeese! But because of the way it makes me feel. I start to get paranoid, scared, insecure, weepy, etc., even when there is nothing there. I actually made myself go over all of the memories of the other women when he still lived here and the ones since then (that I know about) and the fact that he started an eHarmony acct in April. I keep telling myself that he doesn't want me. He proves that over and over by seeking out other females. I know he's not seeking them out because of the sex but for an actual relationship, like he's replacing me. It hurts. I read his profile on eHarmony and thought, heck, I'd go for him if I didn't know him. lol
I think I'm just trying to talk myself out of hoping (after the great weekend we had) because I've been there, done that, got rejected (or replaced). I made a screensaver for my laptop out of the pictures of us from the weekend. They were some really good pictures. The best I've ever seen of us actually. Very strange. Anyway, underneath the one picture where we are cheek to cheek, locked in an embrace, I put a quote that I saw on here somewhere,
"I don't love you because I need you. I need you because I love you".
And then across the top of the screen is a Scripture from Romans 12:12 that has been the basis of my prayers lately (like when I feel like I can't breathe because the pain is so great and I'm tired of waiting and hoping):
"Be JOYFUL in HOPE, PATIENT in AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL in PRAYER."
I just need to go about GALing and keep my mind off of "woulda coulda shoulda". I feel like last weekend a lot was happening in him, in his thoughts and feelings and now I just need to let it all marinate. I need to not contact him and let him really think about (and live) life without this family and without me. He is due to go to Bening August 1.
I'm in such desperate need for reassurance from him that it is physically painful. I can't make it go away. I hate this. UGH!! To the gym for me!! :-)
