Well it's been an interesting few days, a few days that have been up and down. Yes the roller coaster can be alive and well 19 months later.
Yesterday my wife sent an email to me and the other co-owners of the beach house telling us that her step sister and family want to use the beach house for 10 days in July. My wife wanted to make sure everyone was ok with the dates. But the tone of the email was, 'here are the dates, the assumption is its fine.' Well for me it wasn't fine. First the short notice, 3 weeks, second it was my week with the girls which means I get the house that week, third I was planning on using it that weekend and fourth I have a standing invitation to a buddy to have his kids down with us then. So I prepared an email response but decided to sit on it for a while.
In the end I realized the email just wasn't going to work. No matter how I wrote it, it came across negatively. So I decided on a different tact. I called her on her mobile knowing I'd get her voicemail. In a cheerful happy mood I left a message that there was something I wanted to talk with her about.
Well about an hour later she called back as she was driving home. I told her that I was concerned, actually a little worried about something. That recently there had been a number of things that have made me take pause and wonder what's going on because these things are very out of character. The things are from my impression very inconsiderate but as I thought about them I didn't think they were things that were being done on purpose. So I am a little worried and concerned about her. (I gave a few examples in this as well.)
Her reply, an apology then something very nice, she opened up, she started talking. The first thing she said, "I need a personal assistant. I can't get everything done that needs to be done. I'm barely keep it all above water." BINGO I have confirmation on something that I have suspected all along but she's previously denied. She went on to briefly mention the stress of everything, work and "all." She admitted that she didn't have all the details worked out for her and the girls trip to Australia. She apologized for not having them and for not getting them to me. She went on to specifically apologize for several other things, some that I had mentioned, some that I hadn't.
Then she brought up work again and the stress there. She said "You know me, I'm too stubborn to quit, I have too much invested in it." My reply, "Yes I know all about that feeling. But that's a conversation for another time." Yes, I was referring to my stand about our marriage and I think she knew what I meant. But I wasn't going to let this go to a full relationship discussion. I was going to keep it simply as me, a friend concerned for my friend.
I then asked her, "is there anything you are concerned about that you want to ask me?" No not really. I then asked "is there anything you want to ask me or would like to know?" She then asked me about my job. I was completely honest with her about my feeling about this job. I've been there 7 months and LOVE it, love the organization, my co-workers, what I do, everything. As I told my boss I feel like my career found a home, it's a place I know I can stay and retire. (Yikes that just a short 23 years away!) I also told it was that job I had been looking for that would let me be successful, let me provide for my family, it is the job I'd been looking for, for a long time. She was quiet for a moment or two then told me "I'm glad, I'm glad you've found it. I'm happy for you."
We talked a bit more about lesser things but I have to say this was one of the best talks we have had in a LONG, LONG time. There's something else too, I walked away from this conversation thinking/knowing that yes she does love me. Even if we end up divorced I know there are positive feelings between us. I know it sounds strange but there's a bit of peace in the comfort of knowing she's not full of bitterness, anger, resentment and such means. It means the fond memories I do have aren't an illusion, that we did have a lot of wonderful time together. It also means to me that even if she can't ever get to reconciliation that my stand has been a good thing for us all. It kept the positives up front, diminished the negatives and let fond memories and feelings be our memories.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
